Trash Me
by zerofour56
Summary: The World and I Love You
1. Preface

This story is not mine!

Only repost!

You can check the story at chanbaek – xoxo tumblr com

PREFACE

"The reason I smile a lot, hmm…" Park Chanyeol held onto the mike, looking into the camera with his bright and wide eyes.

"Its because I am always grateful for God's gift of happiness."

Byun Baekhyun looked down to adjust his sleeves and looked up towards Chanyeol again.

"There are so much support from our kind fans,"

Park Chanyeol's voice was soft, mixed with only a slight bit of happiness.

Byun Baekhyun continued to gaze at Chanyeol silently.

"And having my wonderful members beside me," Park Chanyeol turned his head to sweep his gaze across the members, and unavoidably met eyes with Byun Baekhyun.

And immediately looked away.

All in a second.

"That's why I always feel really blessed." Park Chanyeol smiled brightly, turning forward to face the front again.

\- You're lying.

Byun Baekhyun turned away from Park Chanyeol, letting his thoughts drift away. The noises from the crowd below the stage, the member's squabbles, were like noises from another world. Only that person's deep voice resonated at the bottom of his heart for countless number of times.

Amidst the happy atmosphere, Chanyeol smiled happily and started to cut the cake.

The heart shaped icing on the cake was sliced into half.

"I feel really blessed."

\- Stop lying.


	2. 01 – B - Punishment

01 – [Byun Baekhyun] Punishment

If I exist, you won't feel any happiness.

Right? Park Chanyeol.

Due to the fact that there would schedule the next day, Park Chanyeol's birthday party ended slightly earlier. Most of the members have returned to the dorm, but Park Chanyeol took a leave from the manager to meet a friend.

Luhan Hyung followed along.

Before they left, Luhan hyung turned around as he held onto Park Chanyeol, "Baekhyun, do you want to come with us?"

I could see a displeased expression form on Park Chanyeol's face from the corner of my eyes.

I forced a tight smile, "Nevermind, I'm going back to rest."

Luhan looked at me silently, eyes filled with what seemed like unhappiness.

I did not look at him, but instead waved at him before walking back upstairs.

Recently, I was always feeling worn out. I have no idea how that person have the energy celebrate a party and then go out to play for the rest of the night.

Probably because it was his birthday, and it has been long since he was this happy.

After washing up, I lay on the bed. From my room, I could hear Sehun and Kyungsoo's voices from outside, but it stopped after sometime and I figured that they had probably gone to sleep. It wasn't long before I fell asleep unknowingly as well.

When I was awoken, it was already 3am in the morning.

The person outside the door was twisting the door knob furiously, but it would not open. I did not need to think to know who it was. Draping a jacket across myself, I climbed off the bed to open the door for him.

"Yah."

The person was reeking with the smell of alcohol, causing me to frown.

"…You're back."

"Yah, why did you lock the door."

"The door wasn't locked; it was just that you couldn't open it." I said in a small voice. I waited for him to stagger into the room and closed the door behind him. I knew it would be difficult to reason with a drunken person, and I did not plan to continue doing so.

"Byun Baek Hyun."

"Yes?"

"You, don't you owe me a birthday wish?" He came closer and grabbed my shoulder.

I instinctively shrunk a little, while watching his bright orbs shining in contrast to the dark room.

"…I said it at the party earlier."

"I want to hear you say it again."

I watched the strange man.

"Park Chanyeol, you're drunk."

"Shut up on the crap. Damn."

I knew the results of going against him, thus I had to comply.

"Happy birthday." I said.

\- Even if they were words of compliance, I still end up in the same horrible state.

A slap came straight at my cheeks.

"Hahahahahaha…How funny." He burst out laughing maniacally. The suddenness startled me, but despite the pain on my cheeks, I still hurriedly grabbed onto him.

"Everyone's sleeping now."

"Ha, Byun Baekhyun, you are becoming funnier," He forcefully pushed me away. I knocked into the wall behind me, but he immediately came up to press me down against it.

"Do you know, Byun Baekhyun," His voice was low, but to my ears, they were like menacing growls, "the way you go around acting like you care for the others is extremely funny."

"The way you wish me happiness is funny as well."

I know, I know.

Watching his agitated face, my heart ached. You can't feel any happiness? Still?

Even on his birthday, he could not feel any happiness.

It was all because of me right?

It was all because of me.

"Chanyeol…" I watched, heart aching. Although I knew that he would most definitely go insane even when he was drunk, I tried to grab onto his hands that were pressed down on my shoulder.

"Don't touch me." He swiped my hand away with force, becoming even more agitated and enraged with my touch.

But his words were filled with sadness.

"Ha…today was my birthday…"

"She was supposed to celebrate it with me…she was supposed to be by my side."

"But because of… because of you… this bastard."

"But you still dare wish me happiness, you really…deserve to die."

Yes. I deserve to die. I caused the one whom I love to be hurt to this state.

Byun Baekhyun, you really deserve to die.

"Chanyeol…" Apart from calling your name, I don't know any other word of consolation.

You must have once made a promise with her, maybe. Made a promise about how sweetly you would spend your birthday with her, holding hands and full of smiles. But now, all those promises are ruined.

But that's all because of me. All because of me.

What gives me the rights to console you?

"Byun Baekhyun, you must be ecstatic now. Right?"

One of his hands suddenly took grip in the roots of my hair and forcefully pulled my head upwards to look up at his face.

"You want to have me, you want the person that I love to leave me."

No, Chanyeol. It's not like that.

"You only want for yourself to be happy."

Chanyeol-ah…

"Are you that desperate for me to fuck you?" His agonized eyes suddenly became fierce and enraged. He gripped at my hair with even more force and used his other hands to start tearing off my loose pyjamas.

"Chan…Chanyeol, no, you can't do this today, there's shedule tomorrow morning…no, Chanyeol…" I started begging him and attempting to block his movements with my hands, wanting him to stop.

"Shouldn't you feel happy like this now? Byun Baek hyun." His movements were rough from the alcohol in his system.

No. Park Chanyeol was always rough with me, even if he was perfectly awake and aware.

He hates me.

Him who I love, hates me to the bones.

It was as if he found it too much off a hassle, he grabbed me and threw me onto the bed and immediately climbed on top on me. The bed made a loud noise, I panicked but dared not move. Afraid that the other members might hear the commotion.

"Luhan Hyung….Is Luhan Hyung asleep? Didn't he…just come back home?" I asked breathlessly.

"Don't talk about other people." Park Chanyeol said into my ears without a trace of warmness. "I thought you only cared about me? And would do anything for me?"

I could not speak anymore and watched him in the darkness, like the god of fury that was about to take me down.

Actually if you were a little bit more drunk, you could have pretended that I was her, at least you would have been a little bit more gentle. Instead of being like this, instead of the purple bruises that would soon appear on my skin.

The Park Chanyeol that slapped me again to make me lie still. The Park Chanyeol that ripped off my shirt in a quick moment. The Park Chanyeol that looked at me with such fury as if he wanted to rip me into pieces. The Park Chanyeol that turned me over and thrust roughly into me.

"Ah…" My fingernails dug into my palms, forming a fist, and I bit down hard on the bed sheets below me. It was too painful.

\- - Even if it was like this, it's the Park Chanyeol whom I love.

He was like a beast that was attacking in the darkness, hands gripped tightly on my waist. Not bothering to even speak, he grunted as he continued entering my body. It was of such pain that I was close to losing consciousness. There was cold sweat dripping down my forehead, but I did not dare to make any sound apart from the whimpers buried deep down in my throat.

This was a punishment that you are giving me, but yet I feel happy.

I must be crazy.


	3. 02 - B - You Are a Good Dream of Mine

02 - [Byun Baekhyun] You Are a Good Dream of Mine

My pains were made unknown as I tried my best to stay silent. It's because I'm afraid that the pain I caused you was much worse than what I was experiencing now.

It was already 5AM when he finished. Afterwards, he fell into deep sleep as he lay on my limp body. I could feel happiness only during moments like these. But I was worried that my body was too skinny for him to lie on comfortably.

The pain in my body was what kept me awake. I gazed blankly at him who was lying on my chest, until the horizon started to brighten.

When it was time to get up for the schedule, I tried to slide off gently from below him ; but, I accidentally fell off. I panicked and turned back to look at him after the commotion, but to my relief, he was still sound asleep.

I trudged to the kitchen and made some hangover soup. Keeping in mind that Luhan Hyung might have drunk quite a bit as well, I made enough for two. Just as I laid the soup out on the dining table, Sehun walked into the kitchen, rubbing his half-opened eyes.

"Morning, Baekhyun hyung."

"Morning. Ah, yes, would you please help me bring the soup to Luhan Hyung, it's time to wake them as well."

"Ok." Looking still groggy, he gave a simple reply.

\- - Sehun has never been very fond of me.

I carried the other bowl of soup into our shared bedroom.

The early morning sunlight seeped into the room through the window, shining on the person's light hair. He lay still asleep, unlike his violence in the early morning. I stood by the bed, imagining that I had spent a night of sweetness with this person that I love and was about to wake him now to see him greeting me a 'good morning' with a wide smile.

Are you crazy Byun Baekhyun? What the fuck were you thinking?

I shook my head, and chided myself silently. I could not bear to wake him from his peace, so I placed the hangover soup aside, and stood by bed, not knowing what to do. I wanted to help him pack his things for the schedule later, so that he could sleep for a while longer, but he hated it when I touched his things.

I stood there like a blankly for 10 minutes, until I heard the slight commotions outside the room made by the members that had just awoken. I mustered up the courage and bent down to give him a light nudge.

"Chanyeol…Chanyeol."

He frowned before opening his eyes.

\- - My darling, he has the world's most beautiful eyes. As long as he'd look at me, I'd be at a loss of words.

"Its t-time to get up. Seven-ah no, seven-thirty, we have to reach the salon by seven-thirty."

My stuttering and gaping must have looked horribly dumb to him. And reality proved my assumption right, Park Chanyeol only threw me an annoyed glance before looking away. He sat up while letting out a deep breath, and winced due to the hangover.

He walked out of the room without a word; even if his tortures early in the morning caused me unbearable pain as I took each step, I followed behind him with the bowl in my hands.

"Drink the hangover soup, you will feel better."

He gave no reply, and took the bowl over from me without even sparing a glance.

Even so, I'd be glad enough if he'd drink the soup.

But, I saw him walk into the kitchen and turned the bowl over in the sink, pouring away the soup.

My smile froze awkwardly, almost as if the soup was thrown right at my face.

I lowered my head to smile bitterly but felt a light tap at my shoulder.

"Don't stone here, go get prepared, we need to leave soon."

It was Luhan Hyung.

"Alright."

On the way to the salon, was when the lack of sleep in the morning came back to haunt me. Wrapped in my jacket, I rested my head against the car window and shut my eyes to get a bit of rest, but due to the pain in my lower body I could barely straighten my back.

"Baekhyun-ah, are you fine? You look really pale." Luhan Hyung's voice came from behind again. Maybe he was the only one in the group who bothered about me.

I opened my eyes to see him staring at me widely.

"I'm fine." I replied with a smile.

From the corner of my eyes, I could see Chanyeol turning his head slightly to look at us.

I did not want him to see me in this haggard state. But Chanyeol, you'd rather see me like this than me happy. Am I right? If yes, then as you wish, I do feel very unwell now.

Luhan Hyung threw a gaze at Chanyeol, and continued to speak to me, "The schedule ends at about 2-3PM today, go get some rest after that."

Our group did not have such a role as a 'Leader'. But the eldest, Luhan, took up the leadership responsibilities in the group. He was kind enough to take care of everyone, even me, the unrecognised one. Actually all the members in the group are kind children; it was just that I was the one who caused them to learn to become distant and cold.

When we reached the destination, I could see the fans that were always there to wait for us at the entrance.

I forced a little smile, while a hand laid itself swiftly on my shoulders.

I turned my head to see - - of course, it was Chanyeol. He's smile was dazzling, nodding his head at the fans to greet them. His close contact looked extremely natural.

This person who I love has got no split-personality disorder or any sort of illness. His actions made me feel no happiness at all. Compared to the rough attacks in the morning, they came off more realistic to me than this – an attempt to please the fans by faking the affection. I entered the salon under his cold touch.

Fans always like to pair me up with him. And it wasn't anything new that I could hear the sound of screaming girls behind us as we entered the salon. But poor children, you have been dreaming a dream that you shouldn't have. The person that your beloved Chanyeol Oppa dislikes the most, is me. Even though I'd like to imagine just like you do that the person he loves the most was named Byun Baekhyun. But, your beloved Chanyeol who is always laughing brightly before the camera is only full of distaste and despise towards me.

As I had expected, he immediately let go after the fans were out of sight and walked forward. I watched his back, not even feeling sad over the fact that his affections were all faked.

"Are you okay?" Kyungsoo asked as he walked by, he must have noticed that I was feeling unwell today.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I said to him with a smile, he must have seen the scene just now, but his fixed gaze on me did make me feel a hint of warmness.

He only nodded. Sehun threw me a look, without saying anything.

I leaned against the chair on the salon, dozing off, allowing the coordi to toy with my face.

"Wait…for the interview later, am I supposed to be wearing heavy eye make-up?" I looked at myself in the mirror as I opened my eyes.

"It says in the interview that it wants to highlight your role as the eyeliner-in-charge of the group."

"Uh…." I was at a lack of a suitable word to use. But the group has only been established for a year, I needed a role for the audiences to recognise me.

At least the thick eye make-up made me look a little more awake. Whe coordi left, I tried practising my gazes in the mirror.

But I ended meeting eyes with Park Chanyeol through the reflection of the mirror.

He sat in the sofa behind, hands still in the position of scrolling through his handphone, but his gaze swept icily across me. I fell into a state of blankness as I made eye-contact with him. I stared at him dumbly as I saw him lift the corners of his lips to mouth a word, and looked down to use his phone again.

'Motherfucker'

He scolded me like that.

It was as if all the energy in my body has been sucked away again all of a sudden, you always know how to make me feel inferior in a second. I stared at myself in the mirror, as if I have turned into a ridiculous and ugly looking clown.

\- - Why bother dressing up for my love if he'll never appreciate.


	4. 03 - Park Chanyeol

03 - [Park Chanyeol]

After she was gone, I no longer knew the meaning of smiles.

"Hello everyone, I'm the happy virus Chanyeol." I pretended to look happy as smiled at the camera.

After that, a clear and soft voice came from beside.

"Hello, I'm..…I'm in charge of eyeliner in the group, Baekhyun."He waved to the camera, slender fingers swaying before my eyes.

How annoying.

"Actually, many of the viewers are very curious about this," The host looked at us, interested, "there are some rumours saying that Baekhyun and Chanyeol don't get along with each other. Is this true?"

Just when I felt that guy was about so say something, the host cut in.

"Is it because of women?"

"Not at all." I immediately denied, "I don't even know where these rumours came from, there must have been some misunderstanding. All of the members are really close with each other, and, none of us have had a girlfriend since debut."

I felt Baekhyun tilt his head to take a glance at me.

Denying it did make me feel a little uneasy. After all, the interviewer this time was rather famous in the entertainment industry. Things between me and Baekhyun aren't exactly unknown, and it was unlikely for him to be unaware of it.

But it can't be helped. As celebrities, every second was acting.

The interviewer gave us a long and meaningful smile, "So its just like how everyone sees it to be? All the members are very close?"

"Yes." This time, it was Luhan who replied.

"Then are there members who behave very differently off-camera?"

Before I could respond to the question, I heard Sehun spoke.

"Chanyeol hyung, he…"

Luhan turned around to look at Sehun and stepped hard onto Sehun's feet where the camera could not capture.

"Ah, no…actually, its Baekhyun hyung, he…"

Luhan was about to roll his eyes.

"Of course the one with the biggest difference off camera would be Sehun," Kyungsoo who was silent the whole time replied, "Sehun always seem meek and obedient infront of the camera, but when he is with us, he messes around a lot."

The interviewer carried on with the other topics, but I did not feel like listening anymore.

\- - Byun Baek hyun, looks like both of us are pretty good at acting.

"Sehun-ah, please think before you speak will you? You shouldn't be finding more topics for the host to talk about!" When the show ended, Tae Shin Hyung reprimanded Sehun while jabbing a finger at his forehead.

"But…It wasn't even anything sensitive…"Sehun complained.

"Who said it wasn't? Why don't you go read the papers!"

"It's alright, Tae Shin Hyung. It wasn't that bad." I tried to cut in.

"Yeah, yeah. Schedule is over now, let's go eat." Sehun said.

"Hm, I heard there's this restaurant that's pretty good, why don't we go try the place out?" Luhan immediately followed with the flow of the conversation, "Come with us too, Baekhyun?"

It was only then when I noticed Byun Baekhyun who was standing the furthest away.

He who originally had his head down looked up at the sudden question directed at him.

\- - The face that I dislike looking at the most.

"N…Nevermind."

"Come with us."

"It's alright… my stomach doesn't feel well…all of a sudden, I think I'm going back to rest first…"

If you looked closely, his face did seem a little pale.

Even so, he looked ridiculous to me.

"You are saying this, so someone would care for you right?"

"You don't suit trying to act pitiful, Byun Baekhyun."

"Chanyeol…"

Luhan was pulling at me.

"That's because no one will be fooled by your acts anymore."

"Park Chanyeol." Luhan stopped me in a stern voice, "Enough."

Byun Baekhyun only lowered his head, and remained silent.

I remained silent as well, because I did not want to ruin everyone's mood. I stared at him coldly with my arms folded, seeing if he could try to come up with whatever new tricks.

Luhan asked him in a soft voice, "Do you feel unwell? I should accompany you back first."

"No, its fine, I can walk back by myself." He kept his head looking downwards.

Pretending to be exhausted and worn out, trying to earn more pity huh? Maybe you should cut down a little on that, but even if you did so no one will be on your side.

If you did something wrong, you should just stand there quietly. No - you should just disappear. Don't ever dream of being forgiven, even if the others can, I won't ever.

"It was right that you decided not to come with us. Seeing you ruins my mood"

How did we become like this, our group.

Or maybe I should say, Byun Baekhyun and I, how did we become like this?

…Nevermind, I don't want to think about it. Whenever I thought of his name, my fists clench automatically.

It was all because of him…

Suddenly, I recalled when I was asked about my ideal type on the interview just now.

"My ideal type…it'd be good if she had long black hair, eyes raised at the ends, even better if she has a pretty eyesmile. Someone who is petite and delicate."

She is very pretty. Very pretty when she smiles, very pretty when she's angry, even her lashes and fingers are pretty.

…Hayeon ah, did you hear that?

I'm always thinking of you. Do you know? I'm yearning for you.

When you are watching the television, surfing the internet, listening to music, will you be reminded of us? Then think of me as a total jerk.

I wanted you to be by my side like crazy…thought of you like crazy.

If I could see you again, I will go to all lengths to make you stay, and never let go of your hands.

My Hayeon ah…I really, miss you.

When we returned to the dorm, it was already evening. I pushed open the bedroom door, and saw Byun Baekhyun – he was curled up on the bed. He only looked up to take a glance at me when I entered, and then closed his eyes again.

"They aren't here now," I looked at him icily, "you don't need to bother act pitiful."

"…yea"

"Always acting like this, what for? To make everyone think that I always bully you?"

"I told you, don't even dream about it. No one will stand on your side."

He continued to keep his eyes closed, silent. It made me even more infuriated. I immediately dashed forward to tug his blanket off and pulled him up from his position.

"Don't fucking pretend to be dead."

He opened his eyes to look at me, face full of weariness.

"I feel really unwell…I don't want to speak."

"You dare talk to me like that. Are you crazy, Byun Baekhyun."

I tightened my grip on him as I said menacingly. He's brows knitted a little, and his lips were almost colourless, looks like he's really sick.

So what. He's not good enough for my pity.

"Chanyeol, let go of me." He's voice was weak.

I let out a dry laugh.

"What if I said no."

"…Park Chanyeol."

"What."

He used all his strength to look up at me, dry and pale lips shivering in the process.

"Just, let me off for once…just today. Just today."

I smirked and pulled him out of the bed to pin him against the wall, then I leaned in to kiss him hardly.

I wanted to gnaw on him, to tear him apart, and I wanted to see him in unbearable pain.

His expression did twist up in pain, one hand continued to press down on his stomach, while the other, weakly grabbing onto me to prevent himself from falling.

I must be crazy.

\- - This person before me.

\- - I wanted to destroy him like crazy.


	5. 04 - B - If You Watch Me Die

04 - [Byun Baekhyun] If You Watch Me Die

There seems to be a light fluttering before me. Warm and peaceful.

\- - Don't wake up, even if you did, there wouldn't be day light.

I opened my eyes slowly, feeling surprised that I was still alive.

It almost felt like as if I should thank Park Chanyeol for not torturing me to death.

Of all the nights that I've laid with him, last night was probably the hardest to bear with. My stomach had been hurting since the interview recording, and by afternoon, it was excruciating, such that I thought I would have died halfway on my way back to the dorm. When Park Chanyeol lifted me off the bed, pinned me against the wall and then threw me onto the bed again to torture me, I could not fight back.

"Just, let me off for once…just today. Just today." I remembered myself pleading him like that.

But what's the use? He enjoys seeing me in pain, my pleading only motivated him further.

I only remember the attacks of pain, mixed with Park Chanyeol's words of cursing.

I woke up to the empty bedroom.

Unlocking the phone to check the time, it was already close to noon, I had slept for such a long time. I slowly supported my body to stand up. The only few steps that I took to carry myself out of the room were enough to kill.

Luhan who was outside of the door gave me a shock.

"Whoa, why does your face look even paler?"

"…Really? Hehe."

"Stop Hehe-ing. Come and eat something, I just ordered some food." He said as he arranged the boxes of take-out.

I looked at the bowls of delicious beef noodles, but felt no appetite at all.

I frowned and shook my head, "I don't feel like eating."

Luhan made a face, "You haven't had anything since yesterday's lunch! Plus your stomach was feeling unwell. How could you not feel like eat anything?"

Truly I did not feel like eating, it felt as if I would throw up anything that I ate.

"What about…Chanyeol." I changed the topic.

"He already went to the company. We'll go join their practice later."

I nodded, maybe he was so fed up in the dorm that he'd rather be in the company. The company was where he first met her.

But in the dorm? He had to face Byun Baekhyun, the bastard, every day when he enters the room. Of course he would not want to see me.

But-But I…

I want to see you so bad, as if I was possessed.

When Luhan, Kyungsoo, Sehun and I walked into the practise room, there was only the dance instructor.

"Chanyeol's not here?" Luhan asked.

"No," the dance instructor frowned, "aren't all of you here?"

"…He might have gone to the toilet." Kyungsoo tried to cover up. Luhan gave Sehun a glance and the younger boy immediately took out his phone to dial Park Chanyeol's number.

"Chanyeol Hyung, where are you? …..alright, come over fast…ok." After hanging up, Sehun mouthed 'coming' to Luhan.

\- - I watched the two's perfect cooperation and couldn't help but to feel a sense of envy.

Without me, the group would've had perfect cooperation.

"Let's not wait and get started." The dance instructor clapped his hands to get them to gather in front of him at the mirror.

Tonight was one of the year-end major music programmes. As one of the special guests, we had to put up a special stage. With only 2 days to learn a brand new choreography, we were definitely feeling rushed. In a while, we would have to get ready to put on the costumes, so this was our last-minute practise.

However, I felt weak just after one round of the dance routine. I took deep breathes as I wiped the sweat off my forehead, looking frustrated at my weak self through the mirror.

That was just when Park Chanyeol entered the room.

"Where were you?" The dance instructor asked him.

"….the washroom." Park Chanyeol said expressionlessly and joined us to stand at his position.

"Since everyone is here, let's do it once again with the solo parts."

Of course, it was more than just once.

I gradually feeling weaker, but the dance instructor's voice would not stop.

"Byun Baekhyun, take note of the rhythm."

"Byun Baekhyun, dance with more force!"

"Byun Baekhyun, are you doing it half-heartedly? Put in more effort!"

"Byun Baekhyun!"

I'm sorry. It's all my fault. Because of me, we messed up the well-choreographed routine.

Under other circumstances, Park Chanyeol would have thrown in his harsh words as well, but today, he didn't, as he received quite a few reprimanding from the dance instructor as well.

I remember when we first debuted, Luhan Hyung and the others would make fun of us, and said that the two of us 'dancing blackholes' were a match. Back then, Park Chanyeol would naturally sling his arms around my back and pretended to get mad at them –"Yah, how could you guys look down on the main vocal and the visual."

Luhan would pull Kyungsoo over – "Strangely, the one who can dance well in our group is also the main vocal and visual."

"Damn, Oh Sehun come here. No matter what you say, our Sehun is one of the lead dancers as well." Park Chanyeol immediately tried to pull people to his side.

"I'll give you that guy that pulls down our average IQ." Luhan was indifferent.

"Yah! Luhan Hyung!" Sehun got mad.

Kyungsoo and I would laugh till we were on the verge of tears.

Time passes. People change.

….That was us back then.

But now, in this same practice room, facing this same mirror, the happy moments won't return.

I watched the members in the mirror as I reminisced about the past. Just when the dance instructor wanted us to practice again, our manager Tae Shin Hyung, entered the room.

"Are you done with practising? We need to get ready."

The dance instructor frowned and looked at us, then turned back to Tae Shin Hyung.

"Can we let three of them go first, and have two stay back to practise?"

Tae Shin Hyung froze for a second, "Chanyeol and Baekhyun?"

"Yeah."

"Alright, the other three follow me." Tae Shin Hyung waved at them. And before he left, he did not forget to nag at Chanyeol and I, "The two of you better put in effort."

When the other members left, the dance instructor put the music back on.

"Let's try the solo part again. Baekhyun. You start first."

I nodded, and tried to be more energetic as I danced to the music.

But I was not even halfway through before the dance instructor cut in.

"Byun Baekhyun! Please would you put in more effort! The performance is tonight!"

"I'm sorry…"

"Try that step again."

"Ok."

But I was interrupted again.

"Again."

"Again."

I don't know how many times I repeated it, until I no longer had any strength left. Park Chanyeol who was resting against the wall seemed to have turned his head to look at me.

\- - I can't do anything right, and I'm disliked by everyone.

\- - I hated myself that was like this.

"Again."

This time, I wanted to use all of my strength to dance the routine perfectly, but my body felt like as if it was pinned down by invisible nails. I could not even lift my arms.

"Yah, Byun Baekhyun, are you ignoring my words?"

"…" Sorry, but I can't even find the strength to say my words of apology.

"Byun Baekhyun!"

Sorry, I can't find the strength to move anymore. Sorry, it feels like I can't hear anything now. Sorry, my existence always pisses people off.

Sorry…

When I collapsed, I saw Park Chanyeol standing there, watching me coldly.

\- - Chanyeol ah. I think I've said this before, even if you'd throw me a glance, I would feel happy.

So, its fine even if I died like this.

Isn't this what you wished for as well?


	6. 05 - B - The Warm and Beautiful Things

05 - [Byun Baekhyun] The Warm and Beautiful Things in Life

It was like a dream.

That person's figure was walking slowly in front of me. But no matter how fast I ran, I could not reach him.

Wait for me.

If you will.

I lay on the hospital bed, watching the ceiling with an empty gaze.

The bottle of liquid entered my blood stream, drop by drop. Rigid and cold, it made me uncomfortable.

I suddenly thought of Lee Hayeon.

I remember once when she was sick, she visited the hospital to get an IV. And when I visited her, I saw Park Chanyeol.

His tall figure stood by the bed. Cupping the bottle of IV drip in his hands, he flashed a smile at Hayeon who was on the bed.

Like an Angel who casted a spell.

"This way, it won't be cold." He said.

I subconsciously turned my head, imagining how it would've been like to watch him from this angle where he stood by the bed.

"You're awake?." This time, someone entered the ward.

It was Tae Shin Hyung, he was still holding his handphone, looking like he just finished a call.

"Hyung, when can I leave?"

"After the bottle finishes. You take a good rest, I've already settled everything with the broadcasting station, I told them you couldn't attend. Tsk, why didn't you tell anyone that you were sick?"

"How can that be…"I was a little panicky when I heard I couldn't attend, "We've already finalised the choreography, it's such a hassle to change it last minute. And tonight is such an important event…"

Tae Shin Hyung didn't speak.

"…I can do it, I feel much better now." I wasn't forcing myself. Even though I still haven't got a chance to ask how I fainted, but after resting here for some time, I did feel slightly better. Furthermore, I didn't want to affect our group's performance.

"….You really want to perform?" Tae Shin Hyung watched me.

I nodded.

He fell into silence again, as if he was thinking about something.

"Alright," He finally spoke, seems like he also thought of tonight's performance to be important, "I will call them again. I'll bring you out after you finish the IV. Oh, and I also have to inform the company to send a new report draft."

I smiled bitterly. News report draft? 'Byun Baekhyun continues performance despite admitted to hospital' something like that? Looks like Park Chanyeol would spite me again for arousing pity.

"Oh yeah. When you get back, you should thank Chanyeol. It was him who carried you out of the company and hailed a cab to bring you to the hospital."

"Ah?"

I froze.

It was Chanyeol? Chanyeol carried me out of the company building? And sent me to the hospital?

….Unbelievable news.

Shouldn't he have carried me and thrown me straight into the Han Gang River?

But, if only I was conscious then, how good would that be? I wanted to feel the temperature of his body, I wanted to see clearly his expression, even if it was cold. Looks like I really have such bad luck; how could I have been unconscious at such a rare moment?

"Where are the rest now? Are they preparing?"

"Yes, Chanyeol went too, after sending you here. Looks like you won't be able to make it for the red carpet event, but since our performance is around the middle, we should be able to make it in time."

When I reached the broadcasting station, the recording had just started. I pushed open the door and walked into the waiting room, and the members all froze when they saw me.

I saw Park Chanyeol frown slightly.

Luhan Hyung ran up to me, "Why are you here? Go back and get some rest."

"I'm feel better already." I told him with a smile. On our way here in the car, Tae Shin Hyung had told me that the reason I fainted was due to me not eating.

\- - The doctor told me that you are slightly malnourished, so you'd better eat well. Tae Shin Hyung said while driving, without looking at me.

I felt touched, looking at Luhan's worried expression, and explained, "There wasn't really much of a problem to begin with."

"Jung Tae Shin is so inhumane." Luhan scolded in a low voice and I couldn't help but to burst out laughing.

"No, I wanted to come here myself."

"Hey Byun Baekhyun, aren't you going to get your make-up done?" Tae Shin Hyung urged as he poked his body around the door.

"Oh, Ok." I hurriedly ran to sit down in front of the mirror. I heard Luhan mumble behind me, "What did I say."

"Oh yeah, remember to eat this medicine later. Maknae, go hand it over to Baekhyun." He dug out a packet of medicine and gave it to Sehun who stood closest to the door, and left afterwards.

I didn't need to think to roughly get an idea of what the medicine was. I couldn't move as the Coordi applied make-up on my face. I could only watch Luhan Hyung with his darkened expression as he grabbed the medicine over from Sehun with a blank face through the mirror.

"Does he want to force you to death? What the hell is he doing?" Luhan Hyung seemed to be angry for real.

"Luhan Hyung, just give it to me." I watched him.

"Are you crazy? Look at yourself." He glared at me, "Sigh, Min Hee Noona, you don't need to apply foundation on him, look at how pale he is."

"I'm fine, I-"

"Just give him the medicine," Kyungsoo who was silent the whole time finally spoke.

"Are you all crazy?"

"If not, he might be unable to withstand it onstage."

"…" Luhan Hyung didn't speak, he froze for a moment before walking forward, and slammed the packet of medicine on the table before me with a loud sound. "They must all want your life." He mumbled.

I held his hand, and looked at him thankfully. Luhan Hyung whose Korean pronunciation still sounded slightly awkward is always so kind. I am thankful that he always looked out for me - such a useless person.

"Luhan Hyung, don't worry. Thank you."

Kneeling on the elevating platform below the stage, we waited for our turn. My position was at the most right, and next to me was Park Chanyeol, he looked extremely good looking as he waited silently. My heart was beating very fast, but I know it was due to the medicine. The two pills worked well, I was excited mentally, trying to bring motion to my corpse like body.

Our title track's intro suddenly sounded, the elevating platform started to move upwards. With my corner vision, I saw the person beside me stand up slowly. The red spotlight shone on his proud yet calm side profile. His energetic expression made him look like the he owned the world.

This…This is the person that I love the most.

Even if he never spares me a glance, is disgusted to speak to me; even if he spites me and tortures me, he is still the one I love. He is also extremely handsome.

It must be the medicine's effect, my thoughts were rather lively. I shook my head gently, realising that I was already on stage.

I closed my eyes a little to calm my heart down, and put all my best into the performance.

The fans below waved their banners and balloons actively, and amongst them, I saw my name. Some were even crying while shouting 'Baekhyun-ah!'

What a group of lovely children. Your unconditional love and support never fails to make me feel touched, it helped me gain energy more than the medicine. What did I ever do to be able to receive your love? If you knew the mistake I committed to Park Chanyeol, how would you see me then? Rip off my posters and photos? Or like what you've done before, crying while saying, 'we only belive in Baekhyun'.

Saying that you only believe in me, you group of lovely children, I don't know how to repay you with the flawed me. I can only try my best to sing for you, and smile at you - - before you hate me and leave me.


	7. 06 – B - Part 1 - C - Part 2

06 – Part I: [Byun Baekhyun] My Existence

To still be able to stand here next to you. It's great.

The moment the music ended, I felt completely drained. Like a puppet whose strings were suddenly cut.

When stage lights dimmed, I felt giddy. The sequence for us to exit the stage was choreographed as well – Park Chanyeol and I exited from the right, while Luhan Hyung and the rest from the left.

I stumbled backstage with unstable footsteps and ended up tripping on the messy wires on the floor. My already weak body fell forward.

But it fell into someone's embrace.

Before I could react to the temperature of the embrace, I was pushed to the ground all of a sudden. I let out huff in pain, and looked up.

"Can you stop acting like a fucking bitch in front of me."

Who else could it be, apart from Park Chanyeol.

"…Sorry…"

Maybe if I fell straight onto the floor after tripping amongst the wires, it would have felt better than being pushed away and landing in such a uncomfortable situation.

"And," He looked at me from above like a god, "It was because the dance instructor wasn't there just now, that's why I had to send you to the hospital."

\- - I know.

"Don't think that your tactics can move me."

\- - I know it all.

But can't you lie to me?

I struggled to stand up, but ended up falling to the floor again. Just when I was attempting to stand up for the second time, a pair of hands suddenly appeared to pull me up.

"…Luhan Hyung." I called softly, while I raised my hands to wipe off the sweat on my forehead.

Luhan looked at me as it to check if there was anything wrong, and turned around to face Park Chanyeol.

"Don't go overboard. Baekhyun isn't feeling well."

"Luhan, you shouldn't be such a busybody either," Park Chanyeol frowned, "you've been butting in too much recently."

"Ha. What did you say?" Luhan looked at Park Chanyeol ludicrously, "do you not want to live anymore by talking to me like that?"

Sehun tugged at Chanyeol, "Don't be like this, Luhan is older."

"So what if he's older - -"

I panicked, everything was because of me. I immediately held onto Luhan.

"Don't quarrel because of me…please. Stop quarrelling." I turned to Park Chanyeol as I spoke and looked at him pleadingly.

He looked at me coldly, and left a sneer before turning to walk away.

"Quarrel because of you? Save it. Don't think of yourself to be that important."

Sehun chased after him, and threw a glance at me as he past me.

\- - The glance that I had always been familiar with, "it's all your fault".

Yes, it's all my fault.

The night is gloomy. Park Chanyeol's even breathing came from the other bed. It was probably because today drained him; he fell asleep early.

But I couldn't fall asleep no matter how hard I tried.

What exactly, is the meaning of my existence.

Since young, my mother would always jokingly tell me that I was an accident. At first I didn't understand, But I did as I grew older, it was because our family wasn't very well-off, and with my brother, my parents didn't want a second child.

Afterwards…when I became a trainee, my family was always against it. At a certain point, they almost wanted to chase me out of the house. Back then I would always console myself, that maybe when they saw my success after debut, they would understand.

So I practiced like crazy, and tried my best to make it down this difficult path. But when I brought home the first trophy for our music broadcast win, I still faced my parent's cold expression.

Then I understood. What they were hoping for was not this career, so even if you succeeded, it wouldn't bother them the least bit.

Afterwards….a person named Park Chanyeol entered my heart.

Afterwards, because of my selfishness, Chanyeol's most beloved girl was chased out of the company, and disappeared in our world.

Afterwards, Park Chanyeol started his revenge.

Afterwards….

So I always think, what is the meaning of my existence?

\- - Maybe if I were never born, that would have been the perfect thing.

06 – Part II: [Park Chanyeol] Christmas Night

Late winter.

"Merry Christmas!"

Everywhere was filled with the warm atmosphere of Christmas as I walked down the streets. Workers were dressed up in Santa Claus costumes as they stood in front of the store, Christmas trees were hung with tiny gift boxes and yesterday's snow, while the snowmen tried their best to smile before they melt as they stood by the streets.

Of course, we weren't appearing on the streets for a stroll.

"From now – Mission start!"

Because there were VJs, PDs, staffs, and the MC with us as well.

"Remember, don't let each other find out that you're the one buying the gift for them!"

The five of us put out our hands together and shouted "fighting" before going separate ways. The VJ in charge of filming me followed along, and asked, "Have you thought on what to buy?"

"Nope," I smiled at the camera, "but I will get some inspirations as I walk around."

I walked forward after I finished speaking and retrieved a piece of paper from my shirt pocket, eyeing the name written on it.

\- - Byun Baek Hyun.

Ha, God really does know how to give me problems.

"What does Baekhyun like?"

How would I know.

"Um…something cute, or something delicate." I made up. No matter what, he probably wouldn't like anything that I get him.

I was in a terrible mood, but if I didn't say something, my section would be edited out completely.

"Ahhh what should I buy? Didn't we win a lot of money from the game earlier." I waved the envelope in front of the camera, it was the money that the show producers had given us. "Baekhyun-ah, just you wait, I'll get you a super cool gift."

Even I was disgusted by my fake smile.

The street was full of youngsters, in their own clusters, friends or couples holding hands. There were many girls who screamed in happiness after seeing me, and followed after the camera some distance away.

\- - How will you spend this day?

Dress up all pretty, and have a blast with your friends?

Or do you have another boy, that you can lean into to hide from the winter cold. Thinking of this, my heart started to ache.

I am still selfishly hoping that you haven't forgotten about me, or our past that was filled with laughter.

No matter what, today is a happy occasion. You have to spend it with a smile.

And wait for me to get you back.

\- - You have to wait for me, Hayeon.

When I finally withdrew from my thoughts, I realised that I have been walking for quite a distance quietly with a dark expression. I licked my dry lips, and just as I was about to say something to the camera, the name of a tiny shop along the street attracted my attention.

"夏の言" (T/N:夏言is the original chinese character of Hayeon. In chinese, it literally means 'words of summer')

My heart felt as if it had been gripped tight.

It's your name.

I walked towards it without realising.

It's an accessory shop that young girls would like. Different types of jewelleries and pendants were hung everywhere. She liked places like these the most, and wouldn't want to head out once she entered.

"Are you going to buy Baekhyun's gift here?" The VJ asked.

"Nope, I just wanted to get something for my friend."

"Girlfriend?"

"No, for my sister." Normally, scenes like these won't be broadcasted, thus I explained rather simply.

I walked around the shop. My eyes ended up fixed on a delicate looking necklace.

The necklace had a simple design with an apple pendant hung on the silver chain, pieces of diamond engraved around the centre. It shone brightly under the light.

She liked apple prints, she said apples always reminded her of my name - - Chanyeol.

I took down the necklace and held it tightly in my hands, the metallic necklace made my palm ache.

\- - When can I give you this present personally?

\- - Regardless, please just wait for me.


	8. 07 – C - Apple

07 – [Park Chanyeol] Apple

After shopping for the presents, we gathered together to rest for a while before we continue filming.

I went to take a call and by the time I got back, I saw everyone already in stand by position.

"Starting?" I asked Sehun.

"Yeah, the staff had already brought over the gifts."

"Oh."

"Hey, Hyung, who did you buy the gift for?" He asked me curiously.

"…Byun Baek Hyun."

He looked rather shocked, pausing for a while before carefully asking, " Uhh, what did you buy?"

"I just randomly got him some tiny thing," I eyed him, "Why are you asking so much?"

"Nothing, hehe," He laughed dryly, looking like he was worrying for the awkward situation that would soon happen.

Yeah, when they reveal "Byun Baek Hyun's Present is from Park Chanyeol", what am I supposed to do? Hug that person and exchange wishes?

Ah, seriously. Damn it, why did it have to be him?

A while later, the camera's red light started to flash and I prepared a smile on my face.  
And turn into the Park Chanyeol in the eyes of the rest of the world.

"Alright, lets see. After an hour of picking out the gifts, what did the members buy for each other?" The host pointed at the five boxes of gifts on a platform. The staff put in effort to wrap all the gifts to make them of the same size, with the recipient's name pasted on it.

"Lets reveal the gifts, starting from Baekhyun!" The host called Byun Baekhyun out, who was standing at the side.

Ha, he must've put on his mask, smiling kindly.

He stepped forward, and stood before the box with his name labelled on it.

"What do you want to receive the most for Christmas?" The host asked.

"Um…Anything is fine, an apple would be good enough."

"Oh right, youngsters like to gift each other apples on Christmas Night. So Baekhyun, who do you think is your Secret Santa? Who do you think bought this gift before you."

Byun Baekhyun turned around to look at all of us, and said, "Um…maybe Luhan Hyung?"  
Luhan let out a giggle but did not speak.

I'm so sorry Byun Baekhyun, it's not your dear Luhan Hyung, but me. I hope you burst out crying later because you feel touched.

I mindlessly ruffled my hair and let out a yawn.

That guy had already started unwrapping the present. The staff had made the box of the gift big in size, inside it was stuffed with huge pieces of styrofoam. He difficultly reached in to retrieve the tiny object.

Wait. The packaging looks extremely familiar.

It can't be…I immediately became alert.

The recording studio's lights were bright, when Byun Baekhyun raised up the thing in his hands, the brilliant pieces of engraved diamond shone with the slightest sparkle.

It was the necklace, with the apple pendant.

I immediately froze.

"Wow, you said just a moment ago that you'd like to have an apple as a present, and now you've re cieved such a pretty apple!" The host exclaimed with much exaggeration.

"I wonder who sent this?" The host turned around to look at the four of us.

Byun Baekhyun turned around as well.

The reasonless anger in my heart was about to swallow me whole, the way he held the necklace tightly in his hands made me want to rush up to him and tear him into pieces.

The 'her' that was mine was chased away by you. Do you really have to take away my gift for her as well?

"So who sent it?" Seeing no response, the host asked us again.

Sehun who was beside me gave me a nudge, and I unwillingly raised my hands.

"Ah! It's Chanyeol!"

Byun Baekhyun froze. Yeah, you didn't expect this right? You must feel happy to death.  
I glared at him, and he hurriedly avoided my gaze.

"Do you like Chanyeol's gift?" The host asked foolishly, as he continued to drag down the atmosphere.

"Um, I like it a lot…Chan…Chanyeol's name means 'prosperous fruit' …when I see this apple, I will think of him," He said as he smiled at the necklace, looking extremely pleased.

I could not stop myself from balling up my fists - - you don't deserve to say such words.  
"Why not have Chanyeol put on his gift for Baekhyun!"

I stared at Byun Baekhyun without moving, staying silent for a while before walking up to him. He stood there watching me with an empty gaze as walked forward. I took the necklace from his hands, more like a snatch.

"Turn around." I whispered in a low voice.  
He obeyed and turned around.

The host continued to make unnecessary exclamations at the side, trying to bring up the atmosphere. Yeah, it must look like such a warm and happy scene to others.

"Are you happy,"I stood behind him, asking him in a voice that can only be heard amongst the two of us as I fastened the necklace.

"…Thank you." He said as he lowered his head, hand at his neck, gently touching the apple pendant.

I let out a cold laugh.

"What a bitch."

I said each word clearly, yet softly next to his ear.

His body obviously froze, but due to the fact that we were still in the middle of shooting, he turned around to smile at me after I had put on the necklace for him.

What an unnatural smile.

From that day onwards, no matter how much I cursed and scolded him, he never took the necklace off.

What thick skin he has.

But in the end I guess he was afraid that I would sneer at him for it. A few days later, he changed to wear the necklace at his wrist, winding it around twice. The silver chain was always hidden underneath his watch, only the bright red apple was partly shown.

\- - You weren't supposed to wear it in the first place.

I get often get angry whenever I see it on his wrist.  
But what can I do?

'Oh my god! Baekhyun Oppa is still wearing the necklace that Chanyeol Oppa gave!'

'He tried to be low key by wearing it on his wrist~ Does he think we wouldn't see it this way?'

'Such a sweet couple just date each other already!'

I shut the laptop with a slam, too lazy to bother more about the comments in the fanclub.

"Chanyeol-ah," This time Luhan stuck his head into the room, "Don't forget the dinner event tonight. Tae Shin Hyung will come fetch us at seven."

"Ok."

"…In a bad mood?"

"No. I'll go get prepared."

"Oh yeah. When Baekhyun returns, tell him that as well."

"Tell him yourself." I said with a frown.

"I need to leave the dorm for something, and I'll head there later myself. So remember to tell him. Bye bye." Luhan Hyung did not give me a chance to talk, leaving immediately after finishing his sentence.

I let out a frustrated sigh and walked over to the closet, pulling out a piece of suit before placing it against my body. Such dinner events are usually held with the purpose of communication between the entertainment and business industry. But it is actually an important event where each company tries to attract the wealthy for their artistes. Some A-list celebrities do not need their companies and instead appear at such events to take matters into their own hands. Of course what kind of wealthy you attract would be up to your own performance.

Male artistes have it better than the female as little rich old women took interest in male idols. They leaned more toward the good looking male leads on the big screen instead. However, it may not be completely this way. This time, the organisers of the event gave our company a chance by allowing us as rookies to attend to make some connections.


	9. 08 – B - Her

08 – [Byun Baek Hyun] Her

I don't know if I should've came to the dinner event today.

It was held at the city centre plaza's 19th floor. It was a high profile place, only those invited could enter, there was little chance of crowds and chaos.

I had imagined it to be a scene where the members of each parties enjoy wine while chatting with each other. In reality however, there were nothing but a handful of people in the ballroom - there were only around four or five tables.

After we were seated, Sehun asked, a little puzzled, "Didn't say that many people would attend? Where are all the people?"

Luhan Hyung did not speak, calmly cocking his head to the side.

"Hey?" Sehun tried to reiterate his question.

"They're all in the suites you stupid." Luhan pointed towards the side of the hall. It was only then when I noticed the corridors at the side with doors along them.

"Did you think they'd show you how they're proceeding on to the next level of their 'business collaboration'?"

So that was the case. I nodded. Feeling bored as my fingers fiddled with the napkins.

"How boring," Park Chanyeol said in a low voice. Before he finished his statement, I could hear Luhan Hyung's delighted voice.

'Mr Moon, nice to meet you!'

'Mr Lee, you're here too. …Oh no not at all…'

'Mr Kim, if not for you, we couldn't have…'

The four of us followed Luhan Hyung, standing up, bowing and offering wine. After a sometime, the bottles of wine that was on our table had reduced by two.

After another man left, Sehun was in awe, "Luhan Hyung, you're really capable."

"It's what Tae Shin Hyung had reminded me, that there are a few we have to greet properly."

I lifted my glass to knock it against one of the CEOs and lifted my hand to wipe the cold sweat off my forehead.

My gastric pains had surfaced again.

I don't know why exactly, but my gastric pains were starting to happen more frequently.

Maybe it was because I did not eat my food regularly. With only two or three glasses of wine down my stomach, it already felt like it was burning with pain.

"I'm going to the toilet." I said softly to Kyungsoo who was beside me, and forced an apologetic smile to the CEO.

"You're fine right?" He grabbed me.

I shook my head and walked towards the corridor.

The toilet was at the most end of the corridor, and along the corridor, just like what Luhan Hyung had said, was filled with luxurious suites. Despite the soundproof walls, I could still hear the laughter and noises made. But any sound I heard was getting faint and unclear.

I staggered into one of the toilet cubicles, and vomited into the toilet bowl. From what I have always known, my alcohol tolerance wasn't this bad. But the strong uncomfortable feeling in my stomach made me want to vomit out everything inside.

When I pressed down on the flush, I noticed that there was blood amongst the substance.  
I did not bother about it, and walked out of the cubicle to the basin to rinse my mouth. Supporting myself on the basin with my arms, I huffed slightly, resting for a while before walking out of the toilet.

On my way back, I could still here the noises coming from the suites. I walked with my head down, hearing sounds behind me.

It seemed like a pair of drunk male and female, walking as they laughed out loud. I walked along the side, making way for them. I had not expected to bump into me, but when the man walked past me, he forcefully pushed me towards the side.

I felt myself lose balance. In panic, I held onto one of the suite's door knob.

I did not expect for the door to be open and in the next moment, I fell into the dim suite.

\- - Oh no.

I looked up, there were many men standing there dressed in suits. The man seated at the centre of the sofa, looked at me with much interest.

I stood up in a hurry, wanting to apologise, but heard a small and shaky voice calling my name.

"…Byun Baek Hyun…"

I turned my head around to see the only woman in the suite, at the corner of the wall.

Her hair was messy, coat thrown aside and she had tear streaks on her cheeks. She was hugging her arms, shivering non-stop.

Lee Hayeon.

I realised the situation in an instance.

"Are you not going to get out?" One of the standing man dressed in black said.

I took a deep breath and leaned towards Lee Hayeon's side, looking at the man on the sofa.

"…Boss," Even though I didn't know who the man was, but from the situation, it was the most appropriate label. "She…she's my friend, can I bring her away?"

The man let out a laugh as if he just heard a joke. He stood up and walked towards us.

he way he approaches held an undeniable oppression, he seemed slightly taller than Park Chanyeol.

"What's your name, you."

He asked, looking at Hayeon.

"…Lee…Hayeon…" She said shakily, shrinking inwards.

"Oh, Hayeon-ah."

"…Yes…."

"This sir…is he your friend?" He said while putting his arms around my shoulders.

"…" Hayeon looked up to stare at me, mouth opening a little, but said nothing.

"Boyfriend?" This time he asked, turning to look at me.

I bit my lips.

"Yes."

"No."

The two answers popped up at the same time. The lie was exposed. I was at a loss, turning my head to look at Hayeon. Even in such a situation, the way she looked at me was filled with hatred.

"Ha," The man opposite us let out a laugh, putting more force on his hands around me. "I'm sorry that I have no knowledge on your industry's dirt." His smile was puzzling, "But seeing that the situation has become this way, the game had gotten more interesting."

What?

Before I wrapped my mind around anything, I was pulled away by that person. Nudging his chin towards Hayeon's direction, he said to the men dressed in black, "Let's continue the game from where we left off."

I froze, watching the men walk up to Hayeon and starting to rip off her clothes. Hayeon started crying and shouting in protest.

"What are you trying to do! Stop!" I shouted. But I was held tightly by the man, unable to move.

Amongst the chaos, I heard a man shout. Looking towards their direction, it seemed that she had bitten a man on his arm.

"This bitch." The man cursed, lifting his hands to give Hayeon a tight slap, hands reaching towards her again.

I could not hold back, desperately struggling to free myself from the man's grasp and rushed forward to block her.

"What the hell, fuck off you brat." The man behind me cursed while giving me a kick.

I hugged onto Hayeon tightly. She was shivering uncontrollably in my arms, unable to speak.

"Please, let her off."

"Are you not going to fuck off?" The men around me continued to curse at me, amongst the commotion, the boss-like man spoke.

"It's not that we are being cruel here but this lady's company asked us to invest in her, to sponsor her. But nothing is free in this world, we're just trying to get what we deserve in return for our money. Am I not right?"

"And, I, Wu Yifan, will never invest emptily."

No. I can't let them have their way.

If Park Chanyeol knew what Hayeon was going through right now, he would go crazy.

"So, young boy, are you going to scram or not."

I looked at him and shook my head.

"Mr. Wu, what do we do with him?" Someone asked.

The man called Wu Yifan stared at me for a moment before opening his mouth.

"Since he is a celebrity…don't hit his face, let's see when he's willing to move away."

The moment he finished his sentence, a wave of kicks and punches came at me. I gritted my teeth, hugging the girl's arms tightly, afraid that the punches would somehow hurt her.

"…You…" She said with her voice still shaky.

"…Don't be afraid…Don't be." I told her silently as I tried to bear with the pain.

I…need to protect her well….

Park Chanyeol's darling.


	10. 09 – B - Only Your Hands Can Crush Me

09 [Byun Baekhyun] Only Your Hands Can Crush Me

I can save everyone, but I can't save myself.

The punches and kicks continued to come at me, till I was dizzy and my eyesight was blurry.  
Soft sobs slowly came from my embrace.

Even I myself lost track of time as they beat me, but after a while, they seemed to have given up wasting their energy on me that had zero intention on moving.

"Byun Baekhyun right? Ok, I'll remember you."

The Wu Yifan man left his sentence before he left with his men.

I heaved a breath in relief, let go of the girl in my arms and fell towards the floor in a seated position. I picked up my ID which was taken away by Wu Yifan and took off my jacket to drape it on Lee Hayeon's shoulders. After my mind calmed down, the physical pain crepted up.

"…Are…you alright?" I asked.

Lee Hayeon did not say anything for a long time. She seemed to have rearranged her emotions and stopped sobbing.

"…What is the meaning of this, are you trying to repay me?"

"Yeah, you ought to, it was you who landed me in this state."

"Byun Baekhyun, isn't it because of you?"

"Sorry…"

She leaned against the wall, with her empty gaze staring straight forward. Her voice was still nasally sounding but her words were desolate yet filled with hatred.

"Now you pretend to be noble, trying to save me. Because of your guilt right? Haha."

"Hayeon…I…"

"Or is it because of Park Chanyeol? Trying to get to the good side of him?"

That person's image surfaced before my eyes, but his eyes were filled with despise. I looked down, not speaking.

"Handphone. Lend me your handphone." After a moment of silence, she spoke calmly.  
I said nothing and handed her my handphone.

I thought she was going to call her manager, but instead of dialling a certain number, she seemed to be scrolling through my contacts.

"You…" I paused, I had no reason to stop her.

She made a few strokes on my handphone screen and placed the phone beside her ear.  
I could hear the other end pick up.

"Oppa, Chanyeol Oppa…It's me, Hayeon-ah." She said, beinging to sob uncontrollably.

Chanyeol-ah…my Chanyeol, what will he do? If you saw Hayeon like this, you would go crazy right? But at least you found her, while you thought she would disappear from your world forever.

Maybe, I should be happy for you.

"…I'm in suite 235…Yeah, I'll wait for you." She hung up, but her tears would not stop flowing.

I slowly stood up, leaning against the wall in a daze. A while later, I could hear the door being pushed open forcefully.

Following the direction of the sound, I saw Park Chanyeol at the door. It's been too long since I last saw Park Chanyeol looking like that, his coldness and forced smiles have all been replaced by the long lost surprise and worry.

"Hayeon!" He rushed forward, anxiously grabbing her shoulders, "What happened?"

"Oppa…Chanyeol Oppa." She threw herself into Chanyeol's embrace, crying.

"Did someone do something to you? Huh? Are you hurt?"

Hayeon hugged him while crying. Park Chanyeol however, had no patience, he helped her up and wanted to leave the place. But he was immediately stopped by the other members who rushed to the scene only then.

"…Hayeon?" Luhan Hyung froze for a second when he saw the scene, and his gaze immediately swept towards me.

"Baekhyun, you're fine right? What happened?"

"Um…" What do I say? How could I explain how she was almost raped by all those people? Infront of Chanyeol?

"Maybe you should look at Hayeon first…she seems to have experienced some…shock." I changed the topic and looked towards Park Chanyeol at the side.

"I'm bring her away." Park Chanyeol said without hesitance.

"Are you crazy? The place is filled with reporters waiting outside!" Luhan glared at him.

"I don't care! I need her to be by my side!"

"Park Chanyeol please wake up, even if you don't want your image, please be considerate for Hayeon's!"

Park Chanyeol didn't speak, he seemed to have realised the problem as well.

"Why not let Hayeon Noona disguise herself then leave with us?" Sehun suggested naively.

"Do you think the reporters are stupid?" Luhan threw Sehun a glance, stressed out by the current situation.

"Why not we do this," Kyungsoo who was silent the whole time spoke, "I have a friend who lives nearby, I'll call him to ask him to pick us up with his car…regarding how we leave this place, I think there should be some special exit, we could try it out."

About an hour later, we finally ended up back in the apartment. Thankfully it was already past midnight and there wasn't much people around the building. We tried to hide Hayeon as we entered the apartment.

I walked at the back, the wounds on my body still causing me some pain. The moment the apartment door closed behind me, there was a sudden flash of darkness before my eyes, my body swayed a little and I immediately grabbed onto the cabinet beside me.

When I regained my vision, I saw Park Chanyeol help Hayeon into our shared bedroom with a worried expression.

I felt a pang of envy.

"Baekhyun, what exactly happened?" Luhan Hyung came up to me, asking in a quiet voice.

I explained the situation briefly, excluding the part where I was beaten up. With the current situation, I did not want to bring more problems to everyone else. Luckily, there were no wounds on my face, no one noticed my state.

After hearing me out, Luhan Hyung sighed, "It must've been hard on Hayeon, she's a girl after all…"

I lowered my head without speaking upon hearing his words.

"…Ah, that's not what I meant." Luhan Hyung seemed to have realised something, looking at me awkwardly.

I smiled bitterly, "I know, you should go rest, it's been a tiring day."

"Yeah," Luhan Hyung nodded, "you too."

After I finished washing up, all of the members were already in their own bedrooms and seemed to have gone to bed. I stared at the closed door of mine and Chanyeol's joint bedroom, feeling hesitant. I already got my mind around the fact that I would be sleeping in the living room today, but I should at least go in to grab some clothes.

I walked towards and tried to push open the door gently - but realised that it was locked.

…Nevermind.

I walked back into the living room, closed lights and lay down slowly on the sofa with my clothes still intact.

Upon contact with my wounds, I drew a sharp breath in pain. I remembered seeing I saw the patches of purple and black on my body while I was bathing just now.

After lying down for some time, I started to shiver due to the cold. Even with a jacket draped across, I knew it wasn't enough for me to withstand the cold night.

The sleepiness soon kicked in, but due to the chilly weather, I could not fall asleep.  
Maybe it was because I caught a cold, my gastric pains surfaced again.

I shut my eyes tight and pulled the jacket tighter around myself. Hayeon's words resurfaced in my brains again.

"Now you pretend to be noble by trying to save me. Because of your guilt right? Or is it because of Park Chanyeol? Trying to get to the good side of him?"

\- - I landed you in this state. Sorry.

\- - If possible, let me repent my sins. Together with Park Chanyeol's piece of happiness that he lost, I'll do all I can to repay it to you.

The winter night was cold and soundless, but the pain coming from the various parts of my body made it difficult to fall asleep. I was not sure how long later when I heard a sound from the bedroom door, afterwards, someone walked out.

Who?

I did not have the strength to go find out, I could only hear the footsteps coming closer. In the murky darkness, I saw someone's figure standing before me.

Before I could react, that person dragged me up.

I almost let out a surprised gasp, even in the darkness, I could see his features.

"You get in here." That person said in a low voice and dragged me into the bathroom.

"…Chanyeol-ah, what's wrong." Please be gentler, the wound on my arm hurts so much.

He locked the bathroom door and forced me against the wall. Under the bright light of the bathroom, I saw his furious face. "Why don't you go die? You motherfucker." He cursed in my face.

"What's wrong…" I felt slightly helpless, I don't know how I've pissed him off again.

"Exactly how evil you are? Ha, Byun Baekhyun, I've underestimated you."

He put in more force on his hands, causing my brows to knit in pain.

"You actually let those jerks torture Hayeon like that! Have you not brought her enough pain!"

What? What did this mean…I was stunned.

"Don't pretend to be innocent. Wasn't it you huh? Who called her to that suite, lying, saying it would ensure her a successful debut!"

"…No…." How could you think this way?

"Then explain to me what the fuck you wered doing there! Huh!" He glared at me, as if he was about to tear me apart.

I looked at him blankly, and seemed to have realised something, "Was…it Hayeon who said that to you?"

"If not who else? You?"

Actually…

I opened my mouth, but no words of explanation came out.

Between Lee Hayeon and Byun Baekhyun, who would Park Chanyeol believe?

What happened for real might not be the truth. You'd only believe her words.

So, what is the point of me explaining? Would it not just sound like bullshit to you?

"Byun Baekhyun, let me tell you. No matter what happens to Hayeon, she'd be the one I love," He tugged at my collar, and pulled me before his eyes, "So, you had better take away all your evil thoughts. No matter what happens, it wouldn't be you that I like."

I know. I know it all. So I don't dare have any extra thoughts, that way I would even look down on myself.

But, Chanyeol-ah. My body standing in front of you is full of wounds, its fine if you don't see them, its fine if you continue to despise me and ignore me. But it hurts hearing of the sins that I've never committed.

"What? You've got nothing to say now!" His eyes were turning red from the anger, hands fisted up as if he would throw a punch any moment.

Yeah. I've got nothing to say. The pain and you, robbed me of my words.

So, all I can do is let you remove my pants, let you flip me around and push me against the wall, and let you scold and curse at me to your discretion.

"I'll let you experience the pain! That you brought to Hayeon!"

\- - Park Chanyeol, you've always been successful when it comes to torturing me.

\- - I'm experiencing the pain, deep in my bones.


	11. 10 – B - I'm Sorry

10 [Byun Baekhyun] I'm Sorry

"Ahh…"

I was back-facing him. Unable to see his actions, I was terrified.

When he thrust into my body violently, I let out a scream, unprepared.

"Shut your mouth, bitch." He spat at my ears, in between hot breaths, despite so, I felt no sense of warmness.

His strong and big hand held onto my waist tightly, the already wounded place felt extremely painful under his tight grip. He attacked my body without even half a bit of pity, like I was a lifeless toy. His other hand found its way to the front of my body, pushing my legs open with force so that he could thrust in deeper.

The white dress shirt I had on for the dinner event was still draped on my body, he could probably see the patches of blue on my back and waist if he lifted my shirt even the slightest bit. I could only let out soft whines from the pain all over my body. My tears somehow surfaced, wetting my eyes and causing my vision to turn blurry.

The hand on my waist moved away, and reached up to forcefully tug at my hair. At that moment, I could not even let out a sound, instead I was gasping and gaping with my mouth open – like a dead fish.

"You feel this pain?" He said in a low voice as he pulled my hair, causing my head to jerk back, the attacks from his lower body had yet to cease.

Yes. It's extremely painful. Till I can no longer speak. I could only let out a few broken sounds, along with the shameless sobbing tone.

"You need to know! That her pain was ten times worse than yours!" He shouted angrily next to my ear. As if to worsen the punishment, he pounded even hard into my body.

"…Ahh…Chan…Chanyeol….Ah…" I wanted to beg him to stop.

"Don't you dare call my name."

…Alright. I won't call your name. I can't help but to feel afraid of the current you. Even if all I ever do is to stand there silently, there would always be a chance of you pulling me over to abuse me.

I can't help but to feel afraid of the current you.

And after you're done with your punishment, you are going to throw me to the floor like a worthless piece of clothing.

Almost as if it wasn't enough for you to release your anger, you pulled me up again to throw me into the bath tub.

Park Chanyeol. You, are such a scary person.

He forcefully turned on the shower head from above before switching the water temperature down to its lowest. All of a sudden, the ice cold water showered down from above, the water droplets splattered onto my skin, the coldness felt piercing.

I had no energy to fight back, not even able to let out a sound from my throat. Only like a worthless animal, I curled my body up, shivering hysterically.

He cruelly sprayed cold water at me with the shower head, and in the end throwing it at me, before turning to walk away.

"How dirty."

He said.

I continued to sit in that bathtub. Without even having enough energy to turn off the cold water.

The chillness spread through my whole body. The water from hair dripped off drop by drop, some sliding off from the side of my cheeks. Some dripped into my mouth mixed with a salty liquid, dripped into my heart, into the gaps of the wounds.

I continued shivering unstoppably. In the hell like coldness, I curled up and hugged myself tight, burying my face in my arms.

The next day, I caught a fever.

Hayeon had already left. Manager Hyung found out about her stay when came to our dorm in the morning. He called Hayeon's manager to fetch her away after throwing a massive temper.

I who was originally lying on the sofa, wearily returned to the bedroom to lie down. But even after I closed the door, I could hear the loud bickering between Park Chanyeol and the manager.

"Are you trying to joke around? Bringing a girl back to the dorm? And it actually being that Lee Hayeon!"

I also heard him reprimanding Luhan Hyung along with Park Chanyeol.

I didn't know why but I kept hearing a voice in my mind saying –

Byun Baekhyun, this is what you've caused. These are all the mistakes that you've made.

I'm not sure if it was the fever that had caused my mind to feel unclear, but the words felt like a spell, repeating itself again and again in my head, accusing me over and over. I felt like I was about to go crazy.

\- I'm sorry, it's all because of me, it's all my fault.

\- But please let me go, even if just for a while.

The scolding from outside gradually faded. I'm not sure if I was falling asleep, or Tae Shin Hyung had left for real. But the silence did not last for long; I heard the bedroom door being pushed open violently. Followed by that, I was pulled off the bed and thrown onto the floor.

…Are you here to punish me again? I looked up, to see Park Chanyeol's darkened expression, and Luhan Hyung who had just dashed in.

"Park Chanyeol! What the hell are you doing?" Luhan Hyung helped me up, but I did not have much energy to stand properly by myself. I was relying most of my weight on Luhan Hyung's body.

"Baekhyun, what's wrong? — Park Chanyeol, he is sick!"

"That's not my problem."

"You —"

"Byun Baekhyun, why don't you say it," Park Chanyeol's sharp arrow-like gaze, stared at me viciously, "Tell us what you did."

What I did…was he still referring to last night?

Last night…actually I did nothing last night, Chanyeol-ah.

All the other members entered the room.

"Yesterday, Baekhyun told me about the situation, he was barely there by coincidence. Park Chanyeol, don't release your anger on Baekhyun just because you got a scolding." Luhan Hyung spoke again.

Park Chanyeol who was in front of me opened his mouth to speak. But Sehun spoke first.

"But back then, wasn't it because of Baekhyun Hyung?"

I tried hard to lift my eyelids open to look at him.

Sehun watched me expressionlessly, "Wasn't it because Baekhyun Hyung went to tell on you to the company, that's why you and Hayeon noona had to be separated."

"…I…"

"Isn't that the reason why Hayeon noona is in her current state?"

"Oh Sehun! You shut up!" Luhan Hyung shouted, furious.

"Hyung, why are you always helping him?" Sehun continued to show no expression as he watched Luhan.

"Because I'm more rational then the bunch of you insane people!"

"Luhan Hyung…"

Are they fighting because of me, again?

Don't quarrel anymore, please. It's not worth it over me.

"I'm sorry…It's my entire fault."

I heard Park Chanyeol's cold laugh.

This is what you like to watch right? The people around me leaving one by one, going over to your side, accusing me of crimes that can never be forgiven of.

"Why are you apologising!" Luhan Hyung said, "Let me tell you Park Chanyeol, back then if it was me, I would've done the same as Baekhyun, it was for your good!"

"Ha, maybe you might have done so for my good, but why not ask this bastard beside you what was his ultimate intention of telling on me and Hayeon to the company?" Park Chanyeol continued to smile coldly, step by step coming closer to me. His hand reached forward, causing me to feel afraid. Luhan Hyung slapped his hand away.

"Speak, Byun Baekhyun. Aren't you the capable one? Wasn't it because you had feelings for me, that's why you went to tell the company about us, asking the company to chase Hayeon away. Aren't you the one who wants to see the people I love in a terrible state, that's why you asked those bastards last night to torture her."

I could hear from Park Chanyeol's snide tone that it was filled with anger and hatred.

"…Last night, I really didn't…" I tried my best to open my mouth to explain.

"Hayeon already told me all about it, and yet you bastard – "

"Baekhyun said he did not do it." Luhan Hyung cut in.

"Ha," Park Chanyeol laughed incredulously, "Hyung you still believe him."

"I believe him."

When Luhan Hyung said those three words, I almost teared.

Right at that moment, there was a noise from the living room's door.

Hearing that someone has come, none of us spoke, leaving the tensed atmosphere hanging in the air.

It was Tae Shin Hyung. He froze when he pushed open the door to the bedroom to see the current scene.

"Why are you all here?" He asked.

"We had things to discuss." Luhan Hyung said calmly.

When I saw the manager, I tried my best to hide my sickly state.

Tae Shin Hyung seemed to still be in a bad mood from the events just now, but he also had a strange expression.

"Oh…Then Baekhyun, go get ready, and then follow me."

…Me?

Before I could ask anything, Luhan Hyung spoke, "I thought we had no schedule today? Baekhyun is sick, can he…"

"Sick? That's fine, I'll bring him to the hospital." Tae Shin Hyung said as he stared at me with a strange expression. I nodded, not sure what was happening such that I had to go alone.

"…Alright, I'll go get ready."


	12. 11 - B - The Deal

11 [Byun Baekhyun] The Deal

"Where…Are we going?"

"Didn't I say it, the hospital."

"Huh?"

"Just now, the company called. Remember last time when the group went for the health check? The hospital said that there were some areas for you that needed to be rechecked."

"Ah, so that's why."

Every year during year-end, the company would arrange for its artists to get a health check at the hospital. We had ours around a week ago.

I nodded, but immediately thought of something.

The wounds on my body…what if Tae Shin Hyung knew about them.

"Umm, will I have a full body check?"

"…Nope, just uhh…...a few scans or some sort."

I heaved a breath.

Thank goodness.

We registered after reaching the hospital, and then Tae Shin Hyung brought me to one of the rooms. I was seated down and asked a few questions. Afterwards, I was ushered to take CT scans.

…Actually during the initial health check, there wasn't a section where we had to go for CT scans.

But I had no energy to inspect. Maybe I was looking terrible in my current state; the normally stern Tae Shin Hyung was rather nice to me and took good care of me.

We went back to the room to wait for the forms. After taking a call, Tae Shin Hyung said, "Look at you, let's go have you get an IV drip later."

"Alright. Hyung, since you're busy, maybe you should get back to work. I can manage by myself."

"Look at yourself, you barely have energy to talk. Um…is your body not feeling well recently?" He asked me with a frown.

"…Nope, I'm good."

He nodded, not speaking, looking like he was deep in thought.

After receiving the forms, we went to register for an IV Drip. Along the way, I felt dizzy and my vision was blurry, but I heard someone call my name.

"…Byun Baekhyun?"

I turned around to look at the person a few steps away from me. He had a rather big stature and looked familiar.

I was suddenly hit with realisation, my unclear mind was immediately unclouded.  
Isn't that person Wu Yifan?

I was stoned at my place, not knowing how to react.

Tae Shin Hyung looked at me with curiosity, and whispered, "Isn't that person the CEO of SmartMerry Company?"

"Ah…I'm not sure."

"The two of you know each other?"

"No…" I mumbled to myself, alert of the person who was approaching me.

However, Wu Yifan acting as if we were close friends.

"Are you okay?" He smiled pleasantly.

I watched him coldly without speaking. Of course I'm okay – beaten up by your people, followed by Park Chanyeol's punishment last night. Thanks to you.

I could not be better.

"Mr Wu, nice to meet you, nice to meet you." Tae Shin Hyung immediately reached out to shake hands with the man.

"Nice to meet you too."

"I'm Baekhyun's manager Tae Shin. Ah, I wasn't aware that the both of you knew each other."

Wu Yifan smiled, "It hasn't been that long since we got to know each other though," He then turned to me, "Why are you at the hospital, are you sick?"

I eyed him coldly, unwilling to speak.

Tae Shin Hyung nudged me, forcing me to speak.

"I'm just here for an extra check-up."

"You don't look too well."

"Yeah."

I bet Tae Shin Hyung was reprimanding me harshly in his mind – this impolite brat. He immediately added on, "Baekhyun has a fever and is not feeling well, we're about to go get him an IV Drip."

I turned to look away, trying to seem like I was in a good condition.

"How about this, Mr Jung, I'll bring Baekhyun to get the IV Drip, you can go back first."  
I turned around to look at him incredulously.

"How can that be…"

"I haven't seen Baekhyun in such a long time. Just nice, we can catch up with each other."  
Catch up with what? It was only yesterday when I got to learn about your existence.

"I'll send him back afterwards," Wu Yifan continued to pester on.

What did he want? I looked at him, confused, wanting to decline his offer. However, Tae Shin Hyung was already complying.

"That'd be nice. Sorry for troubling you though, Mr Wu. Such luck Baekhyun has to have a friend like you."

Yeah. I can't be luckier.

I watched Tae Shin Hyung leave, while Wu Yifan looked at me with an amused expression.

"What exactly do you want," I looked at him with no expression.

"Let's go, aren't you going to get the IV Drip?" He reached over, wanting to put his arms across my shoulders, but was avoided.

I continued to stare at him.

"Well," His smile turned a little dangerous, "are you not going to treat your sickness?"

"I can go alone. Please leave."

He did not speak, instead, reached over to grab my arm. But I immediately shook it off.

Unexpectedly, the papers in my hand fell out, scattering all over the floor.

Seriously…Annoyed, I bent down to pick up the papers. However, when I stood up, there was a flash of darkness before my eyes.

Just when I was about to fall, I was held onto by him.

"Don't be stubborn. Just follow me."

I sat on the hospital bed, leaning on the pillow against the bedframe while looking out of the window.

I did not ask Wu Yifan about why he appeared in the hospital, simply because I could not be bothered.

Just like how I was about the fact that he helped me avoid the registration process - by bring me to a well-furnished single bed ward.

I pulled my jacket tighter to myself.

The single bed ward had a much better heater system, but the IV Drip was still of its cold temperature.

— In this life time, I would probably never get to witness Chanyeol standing by my bed and warming the IV Drip.

"Do you feel better." I could hear Wu Yifan say.

"Why."

"Huh?"

"Why are you doing this?" Pretending to be nice to me, doesn't it seem fake?

"Because —" He reached over to touch my cheeks, but I turned my head aside, disgusted.

"Because I'm interested in you."

He was unaffected, even by the fact that I chose to ignore him. Instead, he sat down beside me - opening his mouth to speak as if it was just another daily conversation.

"Today, Ms Hayeon's company called me again, asking me to sponsor her to fame."  
I turned around to face him in a flash.

He smiled, as if he had received his expected response.

"I feel troubled; tell me what should I do?" He pretended to put on a worried expression.

"Let me warn you, don't you dare touch her again." I looked at him angrily, except I was weak with sickness, it did not sound the least bit threatening.

"That's why, I'm worried," He said, though his tone was playful, "Her management company had a partnership with mine, I can't let them down. But you —"

Ha…since when am I the least bit of your concern.

"And as I have said, I don't do business where I am at loss, so," He stared at me intently, "I have thought of the perfect solution."

I did not speak, waiting for him to finish his words.

"Since you desperately don't want that woman to be touched, then I can let her go — Lee Hayeon, I will continue to push her to fame. However, the originally planned services, would be done by you."

What…...does he mean? I looked at him with shock.

"Of course, I never force people; you may feel free to decline."

"But if you do, I have no other option but to make the deal with the girl."

"You're an insane freak…"

He had no reaction to my words, instead, looked at me while smiling, "If you are unwilling then…"

"I'm willing." I said softly, while looking down.

"What did you said?"

"I said, deal."

His smile turned meaningful, "Byun Baekhyun, you never fail to disappoint me."

I closed my eyes, feeling the wave of fatigue hit me.


	13. 12 - C - I hate this love song

12 [Park Chanyeol] I hate this love song, I'll never sing it again

In the darkness, I hugged the person in front of me tightly.

"Let me stay for a while more…" I whispered by her ear, along with warm white mist formed in the midnight of deep winter.

She nodded, quietly hiding in my embrace.

The few months of which I have yet to see Hayeon felt like years.

She had thinned down a lot. When we met, she was wearing heavy make-up, but it was all smudged due to those tears she cried from those bastards' harassments. But afterwards, when we met again, my Hayeon was looking fresh and beautiful.

But, I'm sorry. I let you receive so much hurt, I couldn't be there when you needed me the most, blocking them in front of you to protect you.

"Oppa. You should go back…" She slightly backed away from my embrace and lifted her head to look at me.

Instead of replying, I leaned my head down, and kissed her soft lips.

The feeling of longing was much more than the short night. I hugged her tightly, losing myself in the kiss.

All of a sudden, it felt as if the person in my embrace was someone else.

That person was thin as well, with a small frame. And the fringe before his forehead would always brush against mine when we kissed.

— This wasn't the first time I've felt this way.

As if panicking, I pushed her away.

"What's wrong?" She looked at me strangely.

"Nothing, I'd…I'd better go," I raised my hand to look at my watch, "It's already four, I have a schedule at eight."

She smiled, looking even prettier than before; it caused me to forget all other thoughts on my mind.

"So that's the life of a celebrity huh," She adjusted my scarf for me while saying, "Oppa, have strength!"

"Alright," I kissed her forehead, "I'll call you when I have time."

Morning came after the sky brightened up. I sat in the speeding car, watching the scenery outside the window fly past, as if I was hopelessly chasing after the past.

As I recalled the palpitating feeling from last night, I felt annoyed.

I closed my eyes, deciding to catch up on some sleep in the car. I had only returned to the dorm at five, but now we were on our way to the schedule, which was about a two hour ride.

I did feel rather sleepy.

Not long after, a few soft coughs came from beside me.

Annoyed, I opened my eyes to look at the person.

"Have I disturbed you?" That guy asked, slightly panicky.

I did not bother about him, instead, closed my eyes and turned around to sleep on my side.

Seriously…just thinking about what happened previously was making me angry. Before we left, Kyungsoo was the first to find a seat next to the driver's. Coordi Noona and the other two staffs sat at the last row, and after Sehun and Luhan got seated, I could only seat at the row behind the driver. Afterwards, I turned around to see Byun Baekhyun standing outside of the car, watching the only empty seat left in the car, his expression was hesitant along with his sickening innocence.

I could only end up beside this guy.

During these periods of times, after I have realised my need towards Byun Baekhyun's body, I forced myself to cut contact with him, even if it was torturous.

— Habit is a scary thing.

I forced myself to not think about it. Thankfully, my exhaustion allowed me to drift into sleep quickly.

I'm not sure how long has passed, but when I woke, I was leaning against the shoulder of the guy beside me.

He was sitting perfectly straight, so that his small body could allow my head to be leaned completely against his shoulders. He was still coughing, but trying his best to restrain himself.

After being in a daze, I immediately straightened my body.

"I…Did I wake you again? I'm sorry."

"There's still some time before we reach, sleep for a while longer."

"Shut up."

Being obedient, he did not speak. I scratched my head, feeling annoyed, and turned around towards the back row.

"Oh Sehun, swap seats with me."

However, Sehun was in the middle of giggling while grabbing onto Luhan as they were watching a movie together.

He looked at me, horrified.

"No, I don't want to."

"Don't bullshit me, come here."

"I already said I don't want to!"

Luhan Hyung could not stand it anymore, "I'll change places with you."

He moved with much difficulty in the small and constrained place, not forgetting to take his iPad along. Sehun pursed his lips as he called, "Ah, Ah, Lu Hyung…"

Luhan did not reply him.

"Stop going 'Lu Hyung'." I went over expressionlessly. After seating down, I decided to just lean on Sehun and continue my sleep. Instead, I unintentionally saw Byun Baekhyun who was seated in front take the earpiece Luhan had handed him. The two seemed to be watching a movie, and I could tell it was a comedy. I could see his lips curve upwards even from his side profile.

There was a sudden fire in my heart.

Byun Baekhyun, I bet you didn't know.

I hate the way you look when you smile.

But what I hate more is the way you look like a bitch when you smile at someone else.

The programme this time was a music show featuring only our group, it could match up to a mini-concert. To be able to receive this opportunity, every one worked hard for the preparation.

Luhan Hyung and Sehun had to go rehearse for their dance stage first, leaving the rest of us three in the waiting room. The two main vocalists were practising their ballad, feeling bored, I went out to take a walk.

Of course it was also because I didn't want to hear Byun Baekhyun's voice.

I bought a can of coke back to the waiting room, just as I was about to push open the door, I could hear the voices inside turn into conversation instead of their singing voices.

"…I'm fine, thank you."

It was Byun Baekhyun's voice.

"You shouldn't mind too much about Sehun. He's just a kid…and you know, Luhan has been on your side a lot recently, he is just throwing a temper." The other person's voice was calm and simple as usual.

Even Kyungsoo too…Ha, Byun Baekhyun, you must be so charming.

"It's nothing, its my fault to begin with anyway."

"You can't be blamed for that either. It's just that you…care too much about what Chanyeol thinks, so you thought of it to be too severe, actually at that time –"

Hearing these, I pushed the door open with a bang and entered the room.

So are you saying that all those pain that Hayeon went through is nothing severe to you?

Till now, I still remember when we reunited for the first time, she told me expectantly that she had signed with an acting company. And that she would be able to debut soon as an actress.

— You are not dancing anymore? You used to look gorgeous when you danced.

— …No. I don't think there's a way for me to continue.

She smiled weakly. It pained me to see her that way, I gently held her hand.

Even though the company had quickly sealed the news, but within the entertainment industry, she was marked with the 'Park Chanyeol's ex-girlfriend' label. No company in the singing industry dared to sign her. After all, no one could imagine what would happen if she stood on the same stage as Park Chanyeol after her debut, furthermore, it's a known fact within the industry that we were forced by the company to end our relationship. I only knew afterwards that after various difficulties, she was signed with a not-exactly-big movie company – so she could continue on with her dream of becoming a celebrity.

So, all these that she went through, is only things that are "not too severe" to you?

How funny.

I watched them coldly.

Do Kyungsoo stayed calm, not saying anything after dropping a "you're back". While Byun Baekhyun on the other hand, clenched the lyric sheet in his hands nervously.

"Byun Baekhyun. You come out for a while." I said expressionlessly.

He did not move. I could tell, that he was afraid.

Are you that scared of me. I laughed coldly in my heart.

"Byun Baekhyun" "Are you not going to come out."

He stood up slowly, forcing himself to walk towards me.

Kyungsoo wasn't like Luhan Hyung, he didn't like to get involved in other's business, he only frowned and looked over at us.

When Byun Baekhyun walked up to me, I grabbed his arms and dragged him to the bathroom.

There was no suspicion aroused on our way there. I tried to control my emotions and tried to keep myself calm. So that we would only look like friends going to the bathroom together.

After entering the toilet, I pulled him into one of the cubicles and forcefully shut the door.

"Chanyeol…" He called me quietly.

Are you afraid that I'd do something to you? In this small secluded space.

"You really are capable Byun Baekhyun," I fixed my glare on him, "even Kyungsoo has been drawn over to your side."

"…You, you heard our conversation?"

"Why? Is there anything to hide?" His attempt to conceal was making me even more angered.

"Don't blame him, he was only saying that to console me, I —" He immediately tried to explain, but it only sounded hilarious to me..

"Let me remind you one more time Byun Baekhyun, don't act cocky," I said with pauses in between each word, "Don't think you can influence the way I think about other people. You are far from having the rights to do so."

He didn't speak, lowering his head, neither did he look at me.

I was originally planning to let him go after some shouting but just as I was about to let him go, I heard the phone ring.

It was Byun Baekhyun's.

"We're about to record for a show, yet you don't even know to set your phone to silent mode." I taunted.

"I'm sorry…" He said as he took out his phone. Before he could answer the call, I snatched it over.

I felt as if I was struck by thunder, when I saw the caller ID that was displayed.

[Wu Yifan]

Displayed clearly on the screen.

"…and you said that day, that it wasn't you." I smiled coldly, waving the phone before his face.

"Looks like you have good social relations, you and that bastard who bullied Hayeon."

He looked as if he had no realisation of the situation. But as he finally saw the caller ID, his eyes widened in shock.

"No, Chanyeol, me and him –"

Before he could finish, I had given him a tight slap.

I was outraged, even my hands were shaking. So it was this bastard, and you, who joint hands to bring harm to my most beloved person. Already in this situation, yet you want to find these ridiculous excuses?

His face was hit to the side from the slap, yet he was still trying to explain weakly, "It's not what you think, I don't know him well—"

"Shhhh"

I held his phone in one hand and my other index finger in front of my lips, signalling him to keep quiet.

He looked at me incredulously.

— He looked at me as I took the call.

"Hello."


	14. 13 - B - Dark Coloured

13 [Byun Baekhyun] Dark Coloured

When our schedule ended, it was already the afternoon.

I stood in front of Wu Yifan. This was already the second time I was attending our so called 'deal'. The location was still at the hotel he owned.

The man in front of me sat gracefully on the sofa by the window, carefully caressing the thick ring on his finger.

No matter how, I'd always look as if I was in a state of despair.

"Do you have anything to say." He didn't look at me, but his voice was filled with force.

"…I'm sorry."

"Why do you apologise."

"Earlier today…Chanyeol he…he was just …"

"Chanyeol…Park Chanyeol, am I right?" For some reason he decided to cut in.

Wu Yifan usually takes no interest in the entertainment industry, but if he remembered someone's name, it would only be dangerous for that person.

I was at a loss for words.

When we were at the bathroom, Park Chanyeol had snatched my phone away and answered the call. Before I could hear Wu Yifan's voice from the other end, Park Chanyeol had started shouting.

"Damn you. This is Wu Yifan right?"

I got a shock, immediately wanting to grab my phone back, but Park Chanyeol grabbed my wrists and restricted it from moving.

"…Let me tell you, you bastard, I don't give a fuck about who you are,"

"Chanyeol! Stop!" I begged softly at the side.

But he continued on with the gloomy phone conversation.

"Whoever bullies Hayeon, I won't let them go."

I couldn't care about anything else; when Chanyeol was slightly distracted, I snatched the phone back. I hurriedly pressed the 'decline' button.

Of course to Chanyeol, my actions would only look like an attempt to protect Wu Yifan.  
It didn't matter if Park Chanyeol gave me another few slaps, but I only hoped that he did not anger Wu Yifan. Because it wouldn't benefit him at all if he did enrage that dangerous man.  
I kept feeling anxious afterwards.

When our schedule ended, I secretly went to give Wu Yifan a call.

"…Hello?" I asked, nervously.

"Hm." A calm response came from the other end, I could not hear any form of emotion.

"About just now, I'm sorry, that was…"

"Come to SmartMerry Hotel later, 816." He simply cut in and hung up afterwards.

And now, I was standing in front of him awkwardly, listening anxiously as he spoke of Park Chanyeol's name.

"As I have told you before, I don't catch up well on news. I am not really aware of the rumours in your industry," He looked at me with the corner of his lips lifted, "So, what I'm curious about is, I've always thought you've been doing this for that lady…what's her name again, ah I've forgotten."

"…Lee, Lee Hayeon." I licked my dry lips and answered weakly.

"Ah, right. So, I thought you were helping her because you liked her. Who knew," He said, standing up and nearing me slowly.

"Who knew, it was actually Mr Park Chanyeol who was one together with her."

"You're helping him like this, because the person you like, is Park Chanyeol, am I right?"

"No, I just owed Hayeon a favour." I felt uncomfortable from his stare and turned my head to the side.

After a while of nerve-wracking silence, I heard his quiet laugh.

"How interesting, this game." He said, lifting up his hands to stroke my hair.

But his actions only made me afraid. I tried my best to push away the urge to dodge his movements.

"But, Baekhyun-ah, your Chanyeol, has made me rather unhappy earlier today."

"I'm sorry…"

"There has yet to be someone who dared to scold me like that apart from him," His mocking tone suddenly changed and suddenly sounded extremely cold and heartless.

I know, no matter how big Park Chanyeol's popularity may be, no matter how many girls are smitten over him, to people like Wu Yifan, he was still just another young boy.

He spoke, as his hands slid downwards, touching my cheeks.

"I'll do anything you want…anything to pay for it, please forgive him." I begged, mustering up courage to look at him in the eye.

He started to smile again, but his voice still cold, making me afraid.

"Take off your clothes."

The moment I was pushed down onto the bed by him, the thought that I might be able to get used to it a little sunk to the bottom.

Thinking of the shame and hopelessness I felt the first time when I was pressed under him, I realised that being treated like this by someone else apart from Park Chanyeol felt so unbearable. Wu Yifan did not have any deep hatred towards me like that of Park Chanyeol, but he wasn't any less gentle than Chanyeol. His doings were only to satisfy his own desires there wasn't any form of joy or love.

But this time, his actions had a hint of punishment; it was a lot more forceful than the last time.

He entered without preparation, such that I clenched my teeth. My arms that were locked on top of my head made me feel helpless. I shut my eyes tight and turned my head to the side.

"Look at me." Wu Yifan's voice came from above. Cold and emotionless.

I opened my eyes, but it was wet from the tears that surfaced due to the pain. His face was blurry.

There was another wave of forceful thrusts, I couldn't help but to scream out loud.

He lowered his head to bite gently on my lips.

"You must sing well, what a lovely voice you've got." His voice was low, along with pants.  
I was unable to reply to his words due to the pain.

"Your body is beautiful too," He let out a sigh out of pleasure, "…hot and tight."

I turned my head to the side again from the shame.

"What a pity. That guy doesn't like you right, Park Chanyeol that bastard."

"How about you be mine."

My body caved into the hotel's soft and big bed, I felt the sheets below me damp from sweat. My consciousness started to falter.

— But I clearly heard those words of his.

I only returned to the apartment the next day.

I had fallen asleep from exhaustion last night. When I woke up, it was already the next day.

In the winter morning when the sky is still dark, I curled my naked body up in the blanket, the room was empty.

I dug out my phone from my clothes to look at the time, then went to wash up. Feeling giddy, I almost fell when I got off the bed.

But I didn't stop what I was doing, because I didn't want to stay a second longer in that place.

When I finally returned to the apartment, I pushed open the door gently, not wanting to wake anyone.

But when I opened the door of the bedroom, I saw someone sitting at the side of the bed.

The soft morning light shone through the window, soaking the person who was looking at me in light, turning his hair light brown.

He really is good looking.

"…You're awake early." I said despite my headache and dry throat.

He continued to stare at me with an unreadable expression.

"You were out the whole night. Where the fuck did you go?"

"…" Because I was feeling unwell, I could not think of a reasonable excuse. I did remember Wu Yifan calling our manager and informing him on my whereabouts, so I did not get into any trouble.

Seeing that I did not answer, he shot up.

"I asked you. Where did you go." His voice was low and heavy and his glare turned more intense and fierce.

"I…"

"You went to find Wu Yifan right? Huh?"

"…." I did not know what to say.

"Fucking speak!" He gave me a push. Unprepared, I knocked onto the wall behind me and hit the room's light switch. The room lit up all of a sudden.

Under the bright light, I saw clearly Park Chanyeol's enraged face.

I replied softly.

"Yes, I went to find him."

"You —" He came up to grab my collar angrily. Just as he was about to shout at me, he turned to glare intensely at my neck.

I knew he saw something.

I suddenly felt so upset. Despair gushed up again from the bottom of my heart. Even though he always sees me as worthless, I've never felt as lowly.

"You did it with him." After a while of silence, he asked coldly.

"Answer me! Did you fucking do it with him!"

"…Yes. I did." I answered hopelessly, and shut my eyes out of exhaustion.

I thought he would hit me with his fist so I shut my eyes tight. I waited, but nothing happened, when I opened my eyes, he was still glaring at me, but there was a hint of disbelief in his eyes.

"Byun Baekhyun, you are such a bastard."

That's it? Wasn't it supposed to be slaps and cursings as you press me onto the bed.

My throat felt like it was burning and I could barely speak. I raised my hands to try to push him away weakly but didn't expect to swipe his hands away from my collar so easily.

I hastily staggered to the desk. From my corner vision, I could sense the dangerous glares he shot at me.

I held up the cup of water on the desk with my shaky hands.

"Why are you such a bitch."

I nodded acceptingly. I have to be one to repay what I owe you and Hayeon.

The cold water wetted my throat, but it stimulated the pain in my stomach.

It felt unbearable, I couldn't help but to cough twice as I drank the water.

When I put down the cup, I saw his strange expression opposite me.

"…What's wrong with you." I heard him ask.

What's wrong with me? I'm fine, what do you mean what's wrong…I wanted to speak, but I was unable to. I lowered my eyes to look at the cup of water; there was red colour diffusing in the transparent liquid.

I froze, unable to realise the situation, I started to reply instinctively to him instead.

I'm fine. You don't have to worry. Don't be afraid I'll be fine. I answered him, but couldn't help but laugh at myself, — will he even worry about you. Will he even bother if you were dead or alive? The person Park Chanyeol hates the most is you, Byun Baekhyun.

My head was in a jumble of confusion and mess.

But I heard the cup hit the ground.

And fell into deep and endless darkness.


	15. 14 – Park Chanyeol

14 – [Park Chanyeol]

Like a fish in your palms, it will struggle with all its might if you grab onto it tightly. But if you let it go and place it back into the river, it will swim away to an unknown direction.

Trying hard to restrain, but you can't just let it go on its own.

Such futile efforts and feeling of helplessness.

— This heart of mine.

This hidden and obscure feeling of mine.

Its because of that person.

He's actually a few months older than I am, but he was born with such a small frame; he sings so well, but I rarely hear him speak to me; he's very afraid of pain, but he forcefully restrains himself from letting out sounds when I torture him.

I'm clearly supposed to hate you, I'm clearly supposed to despise you, from head to toe, but —

No matter how I try to reason with myself, the sentences in my heart will always swerve to another direction, forming a rushed and unknown twist.

Just like the fish which disappears in the water.

How long exactly did it take, for me to understand? The feeling of annoyance when you are around, the disregard of your existence like a stubborn child. The more I am attracted, the more I wanted to destroy your tenacity and your resistance.

In my eyes, you still are the horrible jerk who isn't worthy of anyone's liking or anyone's love. You still are the unforgivable jerk who committed the biggest sin on the one I love.

Now, you've turned into someone who gets into relationships with just any other man, someone who has sex with just any other man.

Thinking that you have moaned and pleasured beneath someone else, makes me furious. So much that I wanted to kill you.

So, I'm trying hard to restrain, working hard to tolerate.

With you like this, how could you be worthy of anyone's liking?

But actually.

Did you know, Byun Baekhyun.

Actually…

"In the following few months, it will only be the four of you promoting. And, we temporarily won't be having group promotions. The company will arrange things for you guys, you might be taking lessons or taking on drama scripts. Alright, that's it, you may all go."

Manager Jang and Tae Shin Hyung engaged in a conversation as they left the conference room, leaving the rest of us frozen at our spots.

"…Baekhyun hyung, what's wrong with him?" Sehun was the first to wrap his head around the situation.

I felt a strange panic in my heart, as if I was forced by someone to face something that I've been trying desperately to ignore.

"Chanyeol hyung, wasn't it you who brought Baekhyun hyung to the hospital?" Sehun asked,

"What exactly is wrong with him?"

Luhan Hyung and Kyungsoo looked over as well.

"…I don't know…" I mumbled to myself.

"I called but he didn't answer, looks like he's still in the hospital…I thought…he already returned to the apartment, and would be all fine, like last time…"Luhan muttered, his tone contained a bit of self-blame.

"We've had schedules these few days, and didn't have time," Kyungsoo patted Luhan Hyung's shoulders comfortingly, "Lets just go visit him. Chanyeol, you know which hospital ward Baekhyun is in right?"

I nodded. I know. I know he's sick, I know he vomited blood, I know which hospital ward he stayed in. But despite so, I still felt so clueless.

The only clear image in my brain was his pale face from yesterday.

…It must've been very painful, during then.

When we pushed open the door, Byun Baekhyun was sitting quietly on the ward bed. The white-washed hospital ward felt slightly warm from the rays of the setting sun, but the image contained a hint of sadness.

The person sitting amidst the rays turned around to look at us in shock.

"…Why did…you all come."

Why are you speaking so weakly. This jerk, why did you turn so weak. How useless.

I stood at the end, restraining my emotions, and followed them into the room.

"Baekhyun, what happened to you?" Luhan Hyung asked anxiously before even fixing himself by the bed.

Byun Baekhyun looked at us, "…Tae Shin Hyung didn't tell you?"

"We only just had a meeting, he said you wouldn't be having work for the next few months. What exactly happened? Are you very sick?"

Byun Baekhyun quietly watched the anxious Luhan Hyung for a moment, and suddenly smiled.

"Am I not fine right now."

"Then why—"

"They said I have gastric flu, I probably have to…go for surgery."

"Surgery?" Sehun asked, shocked, "it is very bad?"

"No, I'm perfectly fine right now you see?" He was still smiling, along with some hint of apology, "Sorry, I made you guys worry."

"Don't say that…when will you be discharged?"

"Tomorrow morning. About the surgery, I'm still waiting for it to be scheduled."

I don't know why but somehow, it felt as if my clenched heart was released all of a sudden.

Just like this feeling, I let out a sigh in relief – without realising it myself.

…So actually, you aren't very sick. So what the hell are you doing right now? Do you still plan to use your pitiful state to gain the pity of the members, and forgive the malicious and horrible person you once were?

I continued to stand at the end, coldly watching the seemingly warm and happy scene.

After speaking for some time, the three said their goodbyes and were preparing to leave.  
I stood rooted at my place.

Luhan Hyung pulled me, feeling my strangeness.

"Chanyeol, we should go."

"You guys go first, I have something to say to him." I told Luhan, eyes still looking at the person sitting on the bed.

Hearing my sentence, that jerk looked over fearfully.

Ha, looks like you're afraid of me.

Luhan Hyung pulled at me worriedly again, "Baekhyun needs to rest, let's just —"

Hyung, are you also afraid that I would do something to that guy if we were alone.

"I won't stay for long, you guys should go first." I interrupted.

Luhan Hyung looked at us each of us helplessly. Finally letting go of me, he left the hospital with Sehun and Kyungsoo.

The hospital door closed softly. The whole ward was soundless.

I continued standing at my place and looked at him expressionlessly from a distance away.

Not knowing what to do, he lowered his head and started toying with his own fingers. He coughed softly out of awkwardness.

The silence lasted for some time, and he finally couldn't stand it anymore.

"…do you want to eat an apple," He reached his hand towards the cupboard by the bed and took out an apple from one of the bags. Then handed it to me.

The IV drip tube connected to him arm swayed along with his movements.

"…I can't eat anything right now, but do you want to eat it? It looks pretty sweet…"

"No," I answered coldly, "I dislike dirty things."

Just as I expected, he immediately froze and stared emptily at his hand holding the apple.

"…I see," He awkwardly replied and placed the apple back to its original place. He lowered his head and stopped speaking.

I laughed coldly.

"I wasn't wrong right? Byun Baekhyun."

"Thinking of your hand, your mouth your body - who knew what you did with that Wu Yifan bastard, thinking of it makes me sick."

Hearing these, his body shuddered a little involuntarily.

"So aren't you extremely dirty? You whore."

I tilted my head to the side to look at him, eyes mocking him — he seemed to be unable to lift his head out of shame from my teasing.

I bent forward, one hand placed at the side of his body to support myself, the other hand reached upwards to pull up his chin.

"Look at me." I commanded.

He shrunk a little, afraid of my touch. In the end, he decided to face his fate and looked at me, face still filled with his disgusting innocence.

"Tell me, what's you and Wu Yifan?"

He opened his mouth, but couldn't give me an answer, his eyes lowered.

"Look at me," I growled in a low voice. Commanding him to do so again, I put in more force on the hand I used to grab his chin.

He frowned a little, carefully lifting his gaze to look at me.

"How many men have you fucked exactly? Huh? A lot? I wasn't enough to satisfy you, huh?"

"No…no one else…..." His face turned paler as he answered quietly.

"No one else?" I laughed out of anger, "Only him? So what is he to you."

"I…"

"You've got nothing to say huh?" I laughed coldly, and shook my hand off to let go of him.

His body fell to the side and immediately grabbed onto the bed railing for support.

"Sluts like you deserve to die."

I said as I turned to walk away towards the door.

The moment my hand grabbed onto the door handle, his voice came from behind me.

"…Chanyeol." He called my name softly.

I stopped my footsteps, but I didn't turn around.

"…if, if I'm dead, will you be glad?"

It sounded like words out of anger, but his tone was serious.

My heart started to panic all of a sudden – without a reason.

But I rearranged my emotions, and answered coldly.

"Of course."

After a moment of silence, I heard his voice again, as if a tired sigh.

"…I understand."

I paused a little but chose to ignore it. Afterwards, I left the room, slamming the door shut behind me.

After I left, my heart became more panicked from those previous words.

What's wrong with me.

Park Chanyeol, what's wrong with you.

— Like a fish in my palm.  
I let it go.  
And it ended up swimming to a place I can't see.


	16. 15 16

15 [Byun Baekhyun] Failure

"What did you say? Did I hear wrong," Tae Shin Hyung looked at me with a shocked expression.

"…I said, can I push back the surgery," I calmly repeated myself.

The next morning, after I had packed up in the hospital ward, Tae Shin Hyung came to fetch me.

"Why would you want to drag it? Don't you know that you need to get the surgery done as fast as possible so that you can recover quickly, if you drag it, it will only worsen your condition, how could you…"

"Its because," I broke him off, "because…I don't want my parents to know about it, so, I'm looking for other ways to borrow some money, so, the surgery might be pushed back a little…"

Tae Shin Hyung probably didn't expect that it would be because of such a reason, he froze for a moment.

"Even though that's the reason, you should never risk your health…...you should find a time to tell your parents about it, at the end of the day, they'll still know about it somehow," Tae Shin Hyung sighed. "You don't have to worry too much about the surgery fee, the company won't make it difficult for you."

"Thanks Hyung," I smiled at him, at least the discussion about when to have surgery is over.

"Oh yeah, they came to see you yesterday right? The members."

"Yes, they came yesterday."

"…...What did you say to them?"

"I told them I had stomach flu, and needs some time to rest."

Tae Shin Hyung sighed again, and patted my shoulders, "I know you feel upset inside as well, yet you have to go through this by yourself. But now that we're missing one of the members of the group, its important for them to develop as an individual artiste, they can't be distracted…"

I nodded. I know, even though some of the members aren't close with each other, but thinking about it, if we had a member resting in a hospital waiting for surgery, it wouldn't feel good when being reminded of it while recording a variety show or some sort.

I stared blankly at the road as I sat on the car back to the dorm. There were all types of pedestrians, some rushed and others relaxed, all types of cars, from pretty race cars to trucks loaded with goods.

Left turn, right turn, green light, red light.

This bustling and diverse world.

It felt as if I belonged somewhere out of this world.

In a daze, I could recall those words Tae Shin Hyung told me when I was admitted to the hospital.

"Baekhyun-ah, do you feel better?"

"…What I'm going to you next – don't panic when you hear it…calm down first, and listen to me."

"The hospital says that there's a tumour at your stomach, it was already identified at your last health check-up, that's why I had called you to the hospital again for a re-check."

"Don't be afraid…thankfully, it isn't dangerous. I'm already trying my best to arrange a surgery for you as fast as possible, if not, the tumour might…"

"Don't be too sad either, it may sound serious, but you will definitely be okay…be optimistic."

I'm not afraid, neither am I the least bit saddened. Apart from feeling a little surprised, I have calmly accepted the fact that such a thing has happened on me.

I even wonder if God has finally had enough, and decided to give Byun Baekhyun who gets everyone's hate where ever he goes a way to end it.

Even if I were to be saved from this illness, it would only cause me pain and the others around me more trouble.

I'm sorry.

I'm also tired of this.

After I returned to the empty dorm, I went straight to bed.

Recently, I've always been feeling more tired than the in the past.  
I'm not sure how long after, I was awoken by my phone's ringtone.

Incoming call: Wu Yifan

"Hello."

"Come out now."

"…Where?" I asked weakly.

"I'm already waiting below your apartment, come down fast."

He hung up after saying so.

I sighed, and briefly groomed myself before heading downstairs.

Seeing the familiar car opposite the road, I felt my head ache. But I had no choice, I walked towards it and opened the door before seating inside.

He still had his hands on the steering wheel, as usual, in his arrogant and proud manner.

"Why did you come out dressed just like that?" He asked me with a raised eyebrow.

I looked my own clothes — they weren't too different from the ones I wore in the past.  
— But even if I were to dress up in my best clothes, they'll still end up being removed by you.

Seeing that I didn't reply, he replied to his own words, "Oh…I almost forgot that you are a celebrity. You have to dress low key to prevent being recognised by the public."

I turned my head to the side.

"I'm quite tired today, can we be fast? So that I can return earlier."

From my corner vision, I saw Wu Yifan staring at me, and burst out laughing.

"What are you thinking?"

"In your eyes, am I just a perverted jerk to you?"

"…No."

"Alright, then I'll be fast today. But before that, let's go get you new clothes."

"…Huh?"

I had no idea what kind of tricks he was trying to play.

"I'm bringing you to a party tonight, how could you go dressed like that."

"…Party? Why do you want to bring me there?..." I was even more confused.  
He didn't replied and grinned before starting the car engine.

When I stood before the door of the building where the party was held, I was already dressed in a black suit.

"You dressed up like this…" He examined me for a moment, "not very nice."

…I did not know what to say.

"Look at your skinny form, you really do look better dressed in thick clothes that cover your frame up."

"If you prefer muscular men, why did you call me along to this place with you." I muttered in a quiet voice. Is it interesting? Teasing me.

"What did you say?" He lowered his head and leaned close to me.

"…Nothing," Knowing that it'd be better not to get on his nerves, I kept quiet.

Wu Yifan was probably one of the major people in the business industry. People who looked similar to his status came up to us as soon as we entered the hall.

"Hey! Long time no see, Mr Wu."

Wu Yifan returned to his composed self and interacted with each of the people, briefly introducing me when needed.

"This is my friend, Baekhyun."

I bowed and greeted them, after all, they all looked like respectable seniors or people of higher status.

"This youngster here seems like…hmm, isn't he the main vocal of which group?" One of the bosses was trying hard to recall.

"M1," I replied respectfully.

"Ah yes yes yes yes. My daughter really likes them a lot, and that – who? She goes on and on about him all day…Chan…something."

"…Chanyeol."

— The moment I say out your name, I felt as if I was in a daze. Look, only your name is enough to make my heart flutter.

I should just die just die, because no matter how you spite me for being a bitch, as long as you are Park Chanyeol, you'd be a drug I am addicted to, something I can't do without.

"We'll be going over first," While I was in a trance, Wu Yifan's voice came from beside me, a hand also reached over. I tilted my head to look at him, he nodded politely at the group of people and softly pulled me towards the seats at the corner.

"How do you like hearing his name?" He asked expressionlessly.

Seeing that I did not speak, he asked me to seat down beside the table.

"I have to go somewhere to discuss some things, you sit here first," He said.

"Yea," I nodded.

"Don't ever drink wine, not even when someone offers," He nagged again before he left.

After watching him leave, I sat quietly alone at the table. Bored, I fiddled around with the forks and spoons on the table. All around me were people chatting, I seemed like someone out of this circle.

On the other hand, Wu Yifan was at another faraway area talking to some people, a glass of wine in his hands. He looked like one of those young masters in dramas.

Thinking of when I first met him, it was in a similar occasion.

Just as I was in my own world, someone suddenly sat down on the empty seat beside me.

I turned my head around. My eyes widened.

"Hayeon…" I muttered while looking at her shocked, "…Why are you here?"

"You don't wish to see me? Byun Baekhyun."

I just…the way you speak to me harshly, its almost exactly the same as Park Chanyeol.

"No," I'm just afraid you'll end up in the same situation as last time.

I looked around her, "You're here alone?"

But she didn't answer my question.

"Why? Don't you want to ask me why I said that to Chanyeol about you?"

I froze for a little, then realised that Hayeon was referring to her telling Chanyeol that I was the one who worked together with Wu Yifan to try to harm her.

"You wanted revenge. I have nothing to say," I lowered my eyes.

Afterwards, I heard her laugh, similar to that of a winner's towards the loser.

"Byun Baekhyun, you must not know yet, but I finally got the script in a drama not long ago."

"…Congratulations."

"Even though, you caused me to be unable to debut, I still did it, all by myself." She stared at me, like a complain, but more like as if she was trying to show off.

Yes, Hayeon, look how fast karma has done its job. You will soon appear in front of the public's eye like a star, just as charming and pretty as back then while Byun Baekhyun would have to slowly disappear from it.

Isn't it always like this in the dramas? The main characters go through hard times, but still end up having their dreams come true, end up with the person they love, while the once villians end up in a pitiful state.

"I hope I haven't interrupted your little chat," Just then, Wu Yifan appeared in between the both of us, one hand supported on the back of my chair.

Hayeon looked at Wu Yifan, expression still filled with fear, probably being reminded of their horrible past encounter.

"M…Mr Wu," She called, afraid.

"Ms Lee, if there isn't anything, I'll be leaving with my friend first," He said as he began to pull me up.

Lee Hayeon bit her lip, not speaking.

"Ah, and also, thanks to Ms Lee, I managed to become friends with Baekhyun."

"Isn't it Ms Lee who told others that we were partners in crime, trying to harm you together?" Wu Yifan continued to smile, yet his words made one afraid.

"So, me and Baekhyun must look as if we were friends, right?"

Hayeon's face turned pale.

Seeing such a situation, I immediately nudged Wu Yifan a little, and said my goodbyes to Hayeon, "We'll go first."

Hayeon's eyes were still filled with hatred as she looked at me. I smiled bitterly, she's probably guessing that I was the one who told all these to Wu Yifan.

In the car, Wu Yifan lit up a cigarette while I sat silently beside the driver's seat.  
After a long time, I opened my mouth to break the silence.

"You did it on purpose right?"

He took a drag of the cigarette, and slowly huffed out the cloudy smoke.

"What are you saying."

I sighed silently, and leaned onto the car window, tired.

"You knew Hayeon came, that's why you brought me here. Am I right?"  
He listened, and laughed softly.

"Looks like you are a lot more smarter that I thought."

"Why are you doing this?"

"Because," He turned his head around to look at me, "I'm very curious, where's your bottom-line."

I looked back at him, confused.

"You're helping Lee Hayeon so much, but she doesn't appreciate it. Looks like this pitiful lady, doesn't know what she had exchanged for to ensure a successful debut."

This topic made me slightly uncomfortable. I was suddenly reminded of how on the bed, how this person had shamed me by making me lose all my pride.

"You saw it too just now, what an unappreciative little lady, how upsetting."

"So, let me ask you again, our deal, do you still want to continue it? Its still your own choice."

My hands balled up into fists.

"The token in exchange to her position, do you still pick yourself, or her — "

"Myself," I cut in and answered, before he finished.

I'm already this rotten beyond repair, I'm not afraid of being worse.

"Now you've heard my answer, can I go back now?" I shut my eyes out of exhaustion.

After sometime without a reply, just as I was about to open my eyes to look over, I was pulled over by someone, and then pressed into a firm chest.

Wu Yifan…is embracing me.

I'm a little afraid, afraid that he'll do something to me, but I didn't dare to push him away.

"You doing all these silly things, is it all for Park Chanyeol?" He suddenly asked, I could not identify his emotion from his words.

"…No, I said this before, its only because I owe Hayeon."

"Don't you feel as if you are wronged and suffering?"

I shook my head, but I felt an ache in my heart from those words.

Maybe I do feel that way. Hatred and misunderstanding from the person I love, I'm repaying for my sins, yet no one is willing to forgive me.

I want to…I want to become closer with that person, but all I see is coldness and despise.  
But, a person like me, am I even fit to feel wronged?

Seeing that I did not speak, Wu Yifan let me go.

"How old are you already, yet you are dropping tears," He looked at me, words with a teasing tone. His hands reached over.

I duck instinctively, hurriedly, wiping off the tears on my cheeks.

He watched me, he put down his hand in mid-air awkwardly.

I immediately arranged my emotions, silently scolding myself if it was because of my illness that I've became this weak and emotional.

It felt as if that hug never happened, we went back to our distant state.

"Oh yeah," He opened his mouth to speak, "When is your surgery?"

His question made me froze.

"You…how did you know?" I thought about it, "Tae Shin Hyung told you?"

"Who is Tae Shin Hyung?" He asked me with a frown.

"My manager, the one you saw last time…" I knew he had a bad memory and didn't bother to explain much.

"Ah, the one I met at the hospital." He nodded, "After I met you at the hospital, I assigned someone to take note of your medical records."

Is this even possible? I looked at him, shocked, "Isn't that the patient's privacy?" I was a little unhappy, as if I was betrayed by the hospital.

He ruffled my hair, "Looks like you have quite a lot of energy, getting angry at me."

"I did not," I stopped looking at him and turned back to my seat.

"Really, tell me, when's your surgery? I'll find someone to arrange you the best surgeon,"

"No need for that." I replied simply, not wanting to stay longer on this topic, I asked, "Are we not going back?" The car was already at its original spot for half an hour.

"Go back? Go back to my hotel?"

I paused, hearing his words, after a long internal struggle, I realised that he was playing a joke on me.

"You…"

"Alright, alright. I'll send you back." He could not help but laugh, following that, he started the car and drove onto the road.

16 [Park Chanyeol] Why Don't You Know

I used to think that you'd always be by my side.

And have our lives entangled with each other's for the rest of it - as if like a sin.

Being such a bitch you are, no matter how I despise you, yet you willingly stay by my side.

That's because you love me.

You love me. Right?

So, what are you doing now.

…You want to leave me behind, and seek happiness for yourself alone?

I, no matter what, will never allow that.

Byun Baekhyun, you belong to me.

You have to remember.

"Chanyeol…ahhh…"

Pain?

That's right, you are only fit to live like this - in pain.

"Have I ever told you, that I hate it the most when others touch what's mine," I thrust forcefully into his body, listening to his whimpers and moans.

"…Ah…"

"Including you."

"Ah…uh…ah…"

"Including you, Byun Baekhyun."

"…Chanyeol…"

"How could you, let another man touch you. Such a disgusting whore."

I recalled those pictures I saw yesterday off the internet. Byun Baekhyun was in those pictures, and was walking side-by-side with another man, as if returning to a car. His cap was pulled down and wearing a big scarf, yet I could still clearly see his features.

The comments underneath the pictures agitated me even more.

— That guy really looks like Baekhyun's older brother.

— Is he hanging out together with his friend? His older brother?~ I want to see him in real life too.

— He looks so handsome even in casual clothes ~ Jjang!

— Isn't that Wu Yifan? The one on the left, he's a big boss though.

— Ah Baekhyun oppa is so amazing! He must be so popular to know such a big boss!

Fucking hell, its Wu Yifan again.

I looked at the current him — the petite person moaning in pain beneath me — I could tear him apart.

I breathed heavily as I punished him, forgetting everything apart from wanting to conquer him underneath me.

He didn't dare to touch me with his hands. He could only grab onto the sheets below him tightly. His brows knitted up from the pain, his forehead had a sheer layer of sweat.

His lustful features, I could not help but to want to kiss them.

— But how could he deserve such gentle treatment.

After I released myself, I took myself out of his body and wrapped myself in some clothing before walking to the bathroom.

When I returned, he hurriedly supported himself to sit up, looks like he wanted to go to the bathroom clean himself up as well.

Do you really hate being in the same room with me that much?

He gripped onto the table, trying hard to stabilise himself. Always so run down, after we've had sex.

— What about when you were with Wu Yifan? Is he very gentle in bed? Does he makes you feel good?

Such thoughts angered me.

Just then, I noticed those hands which were holding onto the table. The small apple pendant glowed faintly on his slim and pale wrist which shown from beneath his sleeve.

"You're actually still wearing that," I sneered and went up to grab his wrist.

Byun Baekhyun who thought I had already let him got a shock, he looked at me nervously.

"Did you know."

I tugged on the thin metallic chain wrapped around his wrist.

"This, was supposed to be the Christmas present I intended on gifting Hayeon, it just happened that the staff got mistaken during the shoot."

He looked at me, face full of shock. This must be your first time hearing of this right? But this isn't the first time that you have stolen what originally belonged to Hayeon.

"It can't be that you thought for real that I'd gift it to you."

Just like this, you should always be playing the dumb character - you treasure a certain thing, but it has never belonged to you in the first place.

I applied more force on my tug on the chain.

The thin chain pressed into his skin, forming a red mark. He seemed to have realised what I was about to do, he immediately panicked, furiously trying to prevent me from doing so.

"No…Chanyeol…stop."

I smiled, and gave the chain a sudden yet forceful tug.

There was a barely detectable sound.

And the chain split and broke before anyone could prevent it.

As it fall to the floor, I could see the blood on his wrist.

But it was as if he felt no pain, he hurriedly bent down to look for it all over the floor.

I watched him from above. Just as he was about to touch the necklace, I kicked it away.

He paused for a moment, before continuing to reach for it.

Once again, I kicked it away.

He didn't raise his head, kneeling on the floor in a demeaning way.

I saw him raise his arms to wipe his eyes.

My heart moved.

— Was he crying?

During that brief moment when I lost focus, he finally managed to pick back the broken necklace, and held it tightly in his palms as if it was a treasure.

Days still passed in the same dawdling manner. There were endless schedules depriving us of sleep. Yet I still made time to meet up with Hayeon, except it was no longer as frequent as before.

Also, I witnessed the way Byun Baekhyun got more and more despondent by the day.

Living in such dreary days, never I would have imagined that I would get the chance to meet Wu Yifan individually.

I was walking along the corridor of the broadcasting station after I had ended my solo schedule when I brushed shoulders with that person.

Even though I have never seen him in person, I knew I did not recognise wrong – the person whom I had sworn to take revenge on as soon as I met him.

Just like that, he walked past me.

I spun around and dashed towards him, grabbing his shoulders before throwing a punch square in his face.

However, the two men behind him blocked me immediately.

"Bastards! …Let me go!" I shouted, ignoring the station staffs' strange stares as they walked by.

Wu Yifan squinted his eyes as he gave me a once over, before showing a small smile.

"Mr Park Chanyeol?"

"Wu Yifan ! What the fuck is your relationship with Byun Baekhyun?"

I paused for a split second after shouting, and immediately added, "And what did you fucking do to Hayeon?!"

The person eyed me with a wider smile.

His incomprehensible smile made me even more aggravated. I wanted desperately to give him a hard beating, but I could not escape the restraint of the two tall men holding onto me.

I struggled desperately, yet he stood in front of me, perfectly still and untouched.

"I'll answer your second question with a sentence — I didn't do anything to Lee Hayeon, at least not what you were thinking of."

I continued to glare at him.

"As for your first question … Baekhyun's relationship with mine, was built based on you and Lee Hayeon."

Those words got me frozen on the spot.

"…What do you mean?"

He continued to smile, amused.

"Let him go."

"But — " The two men holding onto me hesitated briefly.

"Just do it, if he dares to do anything silly, he won't get to listen to my stories."

He brought me into one of the personal waiting rooms of the broadcasting station and closed the door as we walked in.

"You'd better give me a proper explanation, or else I won't let you out." I stood at the door without moving, glare still fixated on him.

Almost as if it didn't bother him at all, he sat down on the sofa.

"Sit. You want some water?"

"Get to the point."

He removed his formulated smile, but he continued to look at me with those amused eyes.  
He took his time to speak.

And every word that left his mouth had flipped my world around.

"I'm not sure what mistake he made, to you and Hayeon. I only know he's trying to repent for his wrongdoings."

"Lee Hayeon wants to debut, you know that. And her company wants me to invest money in her so that she can get her fame."

"I'm sure you know how it works in your industry, no sponsorship is free. If she wants the fame, she has to pay the price."

"However, this 'price', is taken care of by Byun Baekhyun himself."

He watched me as he spoke, every word and sentence was properly enunciated. I could not help but to feel confused, even though there was nothing difficult to understand at all.

"I didn't force him to," He said as he twisted the ring on his finger, "He could've chose not to get involved in this mess, but it was his own choice, to pay the price in place for that girl." As he spoke, I could notice his expression darken just by the slightest bit.

I licked my dry lips and asked in a shaky voice, "Why…Why him…."

It was difficult to believe.

"Why did you let him choose?"

"He looked pretty enthusiastic about it, I mean the first time we met, he got beaten up for Hayeon."

"…What?"

"Ah, I forgot this story wasn't the version you've heard," Wu Yifan said as he stood up. He leaned towards me, "That girl – Lee Hayeon, told you that Byun Baekhyun called her into that room and joined hands with me to torture her?"

"Ha, a little boy like Byun Baekhyun? How could it be possible that I'd know him prior to that? The first time I met him, was when he sheltered your beloved girl. And he didn't let go even when he was beaten."

"So thanks to him, I didn't touch a hair of your Lee Hayeon, she probably got a shock, but that's all, and I apologise for that."

I could not absorb his words, and numbly asked, "I…Why should I believe you?"

"You can choose not to believe me, but the person you ought to believe, is Byun Baekhyun."

"He's such a simple minded fool, such that I could see through him from barely those few meeting we've had. If you are still unclear what kind of a person he is, I can only say that I'm extremely disappointed in you, Park Chanyeol."

"Or you could ask your Lee Hayeon, even though she probably won't be telling the truth."  
I froze at my a moment before turning away to leave.

"Hey, I told you so much, aren't you going to thank me?"

"I have no energy to waste on you."

So what if he told the truth. To me, Wu Yifan is still a bastard, still someone who requested to sleep with Byun Baekhyun before he was willing.

"Also, I should remind you, Baekhyun is sick."

"What crap are you talking about." Of course I know that.

"I said, that he's sick here." He reached his hands towards me and jabbed at my heart area, "Don't you think that there's some problem with his mental state? Oh right, when did you ever have the time to care about him, of course you wouldn't know."

"What problem?" I asked with a frown, too lazy to bother about his snide remarks.

"I'm not a psychologist, how would I know? But 'I don't want to live anymore' is that kind of a problem considered bad enough?"

'I don't want to live anymore.'? I looked at him in disbelief.

Almost as if he could sense my confusion, he continued with his statement.

"I'm telling you these very seriously. I'm guessing that he'd only listen to you, so you'd better persuade him to get a surgery, if not, he'd be left with no choice but to die."

His tone made me slightly uncomfortable, but the content from what he had said, made it more difficult for me to accept. I immediately grabbed his shoulders.

"Why will he die! Isn't it just gastric flu!"

"Gastric flu?" He looked at me strangely with a frown, but soon it looked as if he realised something, "That's what he told you right? Nevermind, you should go ask him on your own.

Anyways, even though you have no feelings towards him whatsoever, you shouldn't just watch him die. It's best if you get him operated on as quickly as possible."

Through his serious eyes, I could feel a sense of panic rising in me.


	17. 17 18

17 [Park Chanyeol] I only realise what I love after I destruct with pride.

I don't know how I managed to walk out of the broadcasting station. On my way back, my whole mind was blank. I could only think about how much I wanted to see that person as fast as I could.

But if I were to see him, what should I say to him? What should I do?

I didn't have the slightest idea.

People rushing past on these streets - the world never stops. The previous minute and the current is nowhere different, but after knowing of those things, the world seems to have completely changed.

I was suddenly afraid that the person's gaze as he watch me was now different from then.

But it was empty when I returned to the dorm.

Shouldn't he be staying at home and getting some proper rest?

I stared into space for a moment before taking out my handphone make a call.

The pixels formed the word 'Byun Baekhyun', it shone for a moment and I could hear his ring tone coming from the bedroom.

…He didn't bring his phone along when he went out.

I immediately made a call to Luhan Hyung, "Hello, Luhan Hyung, do you know —"

Before I could finish my words, he interrupted me.

"Chanyeol! Have you finally ended your schedule? Quickly go see Baekhyun in the hospital!"

"What, what's wrong with him?"

"I heard he fainted this morning. We can't leave either since we are still attending the schedule," Luhan Hyung's tone was urgent, "Chanyeol, tell me...…is Baekhyun very sick? I also had a friend who got a gastric flu, but he didn't have to go for surgery!"

His words made me feel chilly inside, after asking about the hospital I hung up the phone and fled downstairs.

When I suddenly pushed open the doors of the ward, Byun Baekhyun got a shock. He was leaning against the bed frame, face pale, making him look extremely weak. His eyes watched me with expectation yet with fear.

There were two – three or so other beds beside him, they all had their family members there with them. It was around the time of sundown, the rest of the patients in the ward were assisted with their dinner.

Only Byun Baekhyun sat there alone.

I walked towards him and he fearfully shifted slightly away.

"Whats wrong with you."

"…I'm fine."

"This is called 'I'm fine'?"

"…" He did not speak, instead looked at me with fear.

I thought about the past few days, I think I did too much to torture him.  
I'm sorry. As of now, I don't know which expression to use when I face you.  
Still, with my expressionless and empty face, it must look terribly frightening such that it is disliked by you.

I tried to soften my tone.

"Do you feel better?"  
He nodded.

"Why did you faint again."

He was silent for a moment and shook his head.  
"I don't know."

I sighed softly, realising that it'd be difficult to carry on with this conversation.  
The atmosphere turned awkward.

"You, you wait for me." I said without thinking much, and ran out of the room.

— I should do something.

I took out my handphone to search as I ran out of the hospital.

'What Baekhyun likes'.

I slowed down my pace and entered the first website of the search result and scrolled down to read the replies.

'Of course Baekhyun Oppa would like Chanyeol Oppa the most!'

…What the hell. There was an unexplainable annoyance, I pressed the 'back' button and re-entered something else into the search bar.

'Byun Baekhyun's favourite food.'

— I felt absolutely stupid.

Under some profile, I got the results.

'Favourite food: Korean cuisine, Chinese cuisine, Strawberries'

'Current favourite: Michel & Augustin Chocolate biscuits'

How smart these fans are, how did you all know?

Why don't I know anything about him, even though I'm beside him all day?  
I tucked my phone away.

While running, a convenience store came into my view; I went in to look for the item.  
After buying those biscuits, just before I entered the hospital, I decided to extravagantly get him a bouquet of flowers from the florist nearby.

So when I appeared again before him, there was even more shock in his eyes.

I walked towards him and awkwardly placed the flowers at the bedside desk, then sat down at the side of the bed.

"Uh, you have a friend staying in this hospital?" He asked as he referred to the flowers.

"Isn't it you."

His eyes widened.

"…For me? Those flowers…?"

"Yea." I replied simply. I saw his mixed expressions.

"Chanyeol, what…what's going on with you?"

I was disappointed by his reaction. Is it that he wanted to reach his hands over and touch my forehead, while asking 'Chanyeol are you having a fever?'

With a bit of frustration, I took out the box of biscuits from the bag and removed its plastic wrapping before handing it to him.

"Eat this, I thought you'd like it." I said without looking at him, trying to appear nonchalant.  
He froze for a long while before reaching over to receive it.

"Thank you."

I looked up to watch him, he seemed overjoyed, but unable to express it.

…What a fool you are.

He took a piece of the biscuit and took small bites. The way he bit carefully, made him look like a dexterous yet tame small animal.

I suddenly felt a sense of ease.

But before he could finish two of those, there was an alarming female voice from behind me.

"Yah ! Why are you eating that!"

It was a nurse. She was watching Byun Baekhyun with a frown as she placed the bowl of porridge-like substance down onto the table.

"I suddenly felt like eating it…" He explained.

"Must you always eat anything that you wish to? I already reminded you not to eat such things! If something happens because of this, who's going to be responsible?!"

Byun Baekhyun nodded his head obediently.

The nurse then adjusted the speed of his IV drip before leaving the room.

I felt deflated all of a sudden.

— I had almost forgotten that his stomach was ill.

I saw him reach for another biscuit and immediately stopped him.

"Don't eat that." I said with my expression probably dark. I took the biscuit and threw it into the bin.

He could not stop me in time.

"But I wanted to…" He mumbled, face like a disappointed child.

"Just eat the porridge."

I was slightly disappointed with myself. I was the one who messed up and bought the wrong thing, yet I was releasing my anger on someone else.

Without speaking, he took the bowl of porridge from the table.

His hand was still connected to the IV tube while holding the bowl. It was difficult for me to watch that.

"Give it to me," I took the bowl over.

He paused, not knowing what I wanted to do.

I scooped up a spoonful of the semi-liquid and placed it to his lips.

He looked at me uncertainly.

"Eat."

"Oh…"

He leaned forward, and slowly ate the porridge.

I brought towards him the second spoonful. And the third.

His eyes suddenly turned teary.

"What's wrong. Why are you crying." I stopped and looked at him with a frown.

"…No…" He shook his head. His words were unclear as there were food in his mouth, but he had a twisted expression as if in pain.

I was stunned for a moment, but soon realised something.

I took a spoonful of the porridge as well, and soon felt my tongue numb from the heat.

He ate three spoonful of such, it wouldn't be normal if he didn't cry.

"The fuck…Why didn't you say so when it was hot! Are you mute?" I shouted.

His eyes were watched me with panic and a hint of innocence in his eyes.

"I…I thought you did it on purpose."

His voice was soft, but I could hear it clearly.

Did you think I was finding a new way to torture you? Purposely trying to make you suffer.

I wanted to explain, but I thought of my actions from just now, I didn't think I was in the position of making any form of excuses.

I've never been surrounded by such a sense of frustration. Watching his teary eyes, I felt sour inside.

I held up the bowl again to feed him, this time, I made sure to blow it before feeding it to him.

He was still rather hesitant to lean forward to eat it, looking at me as if he I was an alien.

Many times he looked as if he was about to speak, but swallowed his words back.

It was awkward – the silent scene of someone eating and the other feeding. I cleared my throat and tried to start a meaningless conversation.

"Why didn't you stay in a single ward this time?"

"Tae Shin Hyung didn't have time to get one."

"I thought he was supposed to."

"It was a stranger who brought me to the hospital. But I like it here, no one really recognises me."

I looked around the other patients and their family in the ward, they all looked slightly older.

"A stranger sent you here? Where did you faint?"

"On the road in front of the apartment."

"Why were you out?"

"…I wanted to buy something."

I saw his expression turn uncomfortable once again, only then I realised that my tone sounded as if I was interrogating him.

I suddenly didn't know how to speak to him.

My damned pride was trying hard to suppress my guilt and panic. We stayed silent until he refused the porridge with a slight frown.

"…I don't want it anymore."

I put the bowl down without objection and pretended to be nonchalant as I started to toy with the flowers on the table.

He was also silent with his head down.

It was as if time had stopped. The voices of the people around us disappeared, the only scene in the world was the two of us facing each other in silence. It was silent such that I could almost hear every drips and drops of his IV drip, and the rhythmic sound of my own heart.

"Yah."

"…Huh?"

"What exactly is your sickness?"

He watched me, without any change in his expression.

"Gastric flu."

This jerk, seriously.

"Why are you lying."

"I'm asking you."

"…I didn't."

He turned his head away, no longer looking at me.

"No matter what," I took a pause, "I hope you can…recover."

He turned back to look at me in disbelief.

"You'd better stay healthily alive you bastard."

Just let it…just let it —

Even though I still wasn't sure what I can do, or how I can change.

But you'd better stay alive.

—Just let it be another chance for me.

18 [Byun Baekhyun] Apple and You

Park Chanyeol has changed. He's turned a little…no, _very_ strange.

He's started to visit me in the hospital more often, but rarely together with the other members. Even though he never spoke much when he came, it was still pretty unbelievable.

Park Chanyeol, what's in your mind?

The higher I climb, the harder I'll fall – that, I know.

But if its related to him, it would become difficult for me to understand.  
Its fine, even though he might be lying to me by doing this. Because he wants me to lose harder. Its also fine, even though he might doing this only because he is pitying me out of his conscience.

— Just let me continue to fall deeper.

I'll bear all the pain that you give me, so how can I miss any second when you are treating me well.

Days became more boring after I switched to the single ward. Everyday passed by with me merely lying on the bed while flipping through magazines, or playing video games.

I did ask Luhan Hyung to bring me some books, not because I wanted to read, but it was for those flowers from Chanyeol. I couldn't bear to see them wilt to nothing.

I carefully tore off a few petals from the flowers and placed it in between the pages of the book, thinking about when he'd come again to visit me.

There had to be something to look forward to when the days were boring and slow. But today, the result of my looking forward was someone else.

I heard the door open and turned my head towards it, only to see Wu Yifan.

"Mr Wu…?"

He came over and sat down, acting as if we were close friends. He had that usual strong gaze.  
"You look pretty good huh."

"Huh?"

"I'm talking about your current situation."

"…Oh, I guess I'm fine."

I still felt rather uncomfortable with him, but there were some things I had to say, "Oh yea, thanks by the way."

He looked at me with a brow slightly raised.

"What for?"

"The surgery thing…I heard you helped me a lot," I've heard from people that Wu Yifan got someone to push forward my surgery date, and also arranged for a surgeon with a good record, such that my surgery would be in a week's time. And that's why I've decided to stay in the hospital until the day itself.

"Oh, you knew about that," He spoke as if there was no big deal.

"Yeah, Tae Shin Hyung told me."

"Who's Tae Shin Hyung?" He looked at me, slightly puzzled.

"…" I was almost amazed by his weak memory, "…Nevermind." He probably won't remember it anyway.

But then somehow I remembered that scene when I first met him in the suite. Back then in that dim yet chaotic place, he took a look at my ID and said "Byun Baekhyun right? Ok, I'll remember you."

And he's remembered my name ever since.

I watched for a moment in daze.

"What's wrong," He looked at me with a strange expression, "Why are you staring at me?"

"…Nothing," I realised that I was being kind of rude, and turned away immediately.

"You've fallen for my spell huh?" He joked as he took the book lying on the bed frame to flip through it.

The pages swept across his slender fingers, a few pieces of the pressed flower petals spiralled out from between.

I immediately reached my hand out to try to pick them up, but the IV tube connected to my hand did not allow so.

"Hey!" For a moment, I forgot who the person in front of me was and demanded urgently, "Quickly, pick that up!"

He was stumped for a moment after hearing my shout, but actually bent down obediently to pick up the petals.

I took them over and carefully put them in the book again.

He looked at me silently, then looked at the vase by the bed. The bunch of light orange flowers it held was losing its beauty, close to withering.

"Park Chanyeol gave that to you? The bouquet?" Wu Yifan asked.

I answered him simply.

"You like him that much huh?" He sneered.

How is this any of your business. It wasn't anything easy to answer, so I didn't bother to reply.

"Ha, that little rascal. Seriously."

"Hey why are you calling him that." I looked at Wu Yifan with a frown.

"What's wrong? Am I not allowed to?" He looked at me with an arched eyebrow, "For someone that I hate, its already quite polite of me."

Even though I understood that it was impossible to get everyone to like him, but the person I like was being disliked, and it didn't feel good.

"You don't even understand him, you can't hate him."

"Who says that I don't understand him?" He asked with a smile.

Wu Yifan always had an arrogant notion that he knew everything.

"I've met him," Seeing that I've ignored him, he continued on, "And we chatted for a long time."

I was immediately alerted, "You've met him? What did you talk about?" I immediately thought of his strange recent behaviours and asked, "You didn't threaten him right?"

Just as I had expected the man opposite looked at me as if I were a moron.

"You fool —".

"What exactly did the two of you talk about? When did it happen?" I started to get anxious, thinking about how Chanyeol hated it whenever I met up with Wu Yifan. I was afraid that Wu Yifan would do something to further anger Chanyeol.

He stared at me for a moment and replied, "You."

"Huh?"

"What is there to talk about between me and him? Isn't it you? If not Hayeon?"

"So what exactly did you talk about me!" What kind of suspense was this person trying to make? I was already brimming with anxiousness.

"Just —"

Just as Wu Yifan opened his mouth to speak, the door was pushed open.

I looked towards it, shocked to see Park Chanyeol standing at the door. He looked alarmed when he saw Wu Yifan, but soon returned to his cold and expression.

He stood at the door without moving, neither did he close the door, as if waiting for someone to leave.

I felt uncomfortable; there was an ominous feeling bubbling up.

"Looks like I have to leave," Wu Yifan stood up.

"Bye," I said while watching him. I did not dare to say anything else.

"Take care of yourself," He said as he walked towards the door.

Park Chanyeol stared at him as if he wanted to swallow him up.

There was a small pause when Wu Yifan walked by Chanyeol as if he wanted to make some form of communication, but nothing was exchanged in the end.

Afterwards, Park Chanyeol closed the door and walked forward.

"Chanyeol…." I was slightly afraid of him. I wanted to explain, but did not know how to.

"How are you feeling today," He sat down on a chair by the bed, face still expressionless.

"…Not bad." I watched him with apprehension.

He looked at me with a frown, "Can you not do this. Am I really that scary?"

I forced a smile by lifting the corners of my lips. Even though those were his words, but I've been around him for too long, such that I knew every single of his expression – every single of his actions.

I knew he was probably feeling rather angered at heart.

This state of Chanyeol was a dangerous one.

After a long period of silence, he finally spoke, "Why did he come."

"Just…Just to visit me, nothing much."

"Can't be that he still wants to have sex with you right?" He asked blatantly, the way he watched me was rather terrifying.

I secretly grabbed the corners of the bed sheet tight.

Probably for my whole life I'd be seen by him to be lowly and dirty.

"No…"My justifications felt useless, "He really did come just to visit me."  
He continued to stare at me. 

"Really?" He suddenly asked with seriousness, as if he was really trying to confirm.

— As if I said 'Really', he would believe me for real.

Then —

"Yeah, really." I mustered up my courage to look back at him.

He didn't speak, instead he continued to looked at me for a while. Then he let out a silent sigh, like he was trying to suppress his anger.

Followed by that, he turned his head to the side, fiddling with the things on table mindlessly.

I was contemplating if I should continue to explain myself, but he suddenly jumped to another topic.

"Why do you have apples here," He eyed the plastic bag on the table, "I thought you weren't supposed to eat such stuff before the surgery."

"Ah, that," I smiled bitterly, "Tae Shin Hyung bought that, I guess he also forgot."

I immediately regretted after finishing my sentence, because I instantly realised that the word 'also' was slightly inappropriate.

I was suddenly reminded of Chanyeol's biscuits.

Just as expected, his expression looked as if he had just swallowed a fly. It took long for him to speak.

"You can't eat those right? Then I'll eat those," He returned to his serious expression, "I want to eat an apple."

"…...Go ahead," What is this supposed to be, requesting for permission? Aren't those apples just next to you.

"You pass it to me." He looked at it stilly.

I froze. The image from the past suddenly flashed across me.

— "…I can't eat anything right now, but do you want to eat it? It looks pretty sweet…"

— "No," he answered coldly, "I dislike dirty things."

For the longest time I had no idea how to react. As I saw his brows knit, signalling that he was about to get angry, I had to reach to the bedside to take an apple.

"I'll go wash it." I said, about to get up.

"That's fine." He immediately grabbed the apple over from me, and before I could react, he took a large bite off it.

I was taken aback by his action for a while; I finally spoke after much internal conflict, "Really…I mean it should be washed, since there's so much bacteria in the hospital."

"Not like it'll kill me." He didn't care and continued eating.

I watched him, in a momentary daze.

— Park Chanyeol, what exactly is in your mind right now.

I watched him like that as his eyes turned to side-eye me.

"Why do you keep on staring at me."  
My cheeks flushed upon his words.

"Do you like me that much," He continued to shoot me with his direct questions.  
I was reminded of Wu Yifan's question from earlier on.

— "You like him that much huh?"

Yea. I do like him that much. To the extent where I'd put my life, my everything, my whole world at stake.

At an age of twenty, I guess I was still pretty childish. Liking someone was similar to a moth darting for the flame – self destruction, and putting in all that I can. As if if I didn't love someone this way, I wouldn't be myself.

The person before me was holding the apple, and his beautiful wide eyes looked towards me.

— This is the face of the person I've loved for numerous years.

Just a while ago, those answers that I couldn't tell Wu Yifan, suddenly felt like they could easily burst out of me. Even if I would be taunted by the person before me, I still had to let him know the answer.

"Yes, I like you very much."

And I waited for his sneers.  
But all he did was smile.

For so long, I've yet to see Park Chanyeol smile at me, but he was suddenly watching me with a smile. Eyes slightly curved, the way he was looking at me made me hard to believe my eyes. Why would you smile at me like that. I felt my heart barely able to cope.

I watched him in a daze, even forgetting to speak.

"I know," He said with a smile.

Of course you know, you jerk. The fact that I like you – of course you'd know it better than anyone else.

After he finished the apple, he took out another one from the bag. And after that, he took out a marker from his bag.

"You're pretty bored staying here alone right?" He asked.

I looked at him with a puzzled expression, not knowing what he was about to do.  
"I'll give you a friend then."

He used the marker and drew something on the apple. Very carefully.

Ah, his smile was exchanged with an expression of concentration, but he still looked incredibly handsome.

"When I'm not here," When he finished drawing, he showed the apple to me, "let it accompany you instead."

The apple had big bright eyes resembling that of a manga character, while the bottom was a wide smile.

And beside its features wrote its name – *Apple-Chan.

I stared at the apple, unable to speak.  
I felt my tears about to fall.  
"When you are bored, you can talk to him!"

"Don't you ever dare call Wu Yifan here."

"It wasn't me –"

I was interrupted by him before I could finish.  
"Hey, catch it." He gently tossed "Apple-Chan" into my hands.  
I immediately caught it, and held it tight in my hands.

Apple- Chan was smiling happily at me.

— My name, it means a 'prosperous fruit'.

I still remember a long long time ago, before any form of hate or desire for revenge, he introduced himself to me like that, full of spirit.

— My name is Chanyeol. Park Chanyeol.

— Lets get along well.

I tightly held onto the apple in my hands, as if I was holding onto those old memories from the past.

*Loving Note: Apple (사과) in Korean also means apology.


	18. 19 20 21

19 [Park Chanyeol] I'm afraid I won't make it in time

I haven't seen Byun Baekhyun in three to four days.

For the past few days, I've been practising in the company for the special programme's dance performance. As there was a missing member, we had to work extra hard. Our schedules and practises were very packed, such that I have no time at all to take a break, or meet up with Hayeon.

Even though I know I'm trying to avoid her as well.

I needed time to decide how and in what tone I was supposed to bring up my questions to her.

After I finish the important programme recording, it would already be the day before Byun Baekhyun's surgery.

— I should probably go visit him.

I put on a cap and headed to the hospital. Thinking about how I'd soon be pushing open the door to see that person seeing quietly on his bed, I unknowingly hastened my footsteps.

But things are never predictable.

This time when I opened the door, I saw Byun Baekhyun curled up and shivering at the side of the bed. His eyes were shut tight, face scarily pale, and his erratic breathing made him appear even weaker.

I was shocked, and immediately rushed towards him.

"What happened to you!" I asked with urgency. It was then when I realised the sheer layer of sweat on his forehead; his hand was clutching his abdomen.

Is it hurting again?

He looked up towards me with a tired gaze, his pale lips moves, muttering something that was inaudible.

But I knew he was calling my name.

"I'm here…I'm here," I did not know what to do apart from holding his hand tight. Amidst the panic, I finally thought to press the emergency bell at the head of the bed.

He tried and struggled to support himself up, I did not know what was going on but I helped him up, but he leaned over the bed and started to throw up.

He probably did not eat anything prior. All he threw up was blood.

Looking at the dark red puddle on the floor, I was at a loss.

But it was as if the pain only got more unbearable, he groaned softly as he leaned onto me.

Just as I was panicking over not knowing what to do, a nurse rushed over, she took his listless arm and droningly pushed a needle in, injecting him with pain killers.

After some time, the drug took effect, and he slowly calmed down. It was probably because he was too tired from the tortures; he fell asleep immediately after the pain ceased.

Hand still tightly gripped by mine.

I gently lay him down on the bed and placed a blanket over him, at the same time stroking his unkempt hair. Then I returned to holding his hand, his slender fingers were uncomfortably cold.

Such a tiny person, how did he bear with all the pain.

I watched him, thinking of how in the past when I visited I'd just leave after sitting around.

He quietly waited for me to come, and quietly saw me leave. Every time I saw him, he'd be just that calm.

So, you've always bore the pain alone by yourself?

When the night arrives, you hide all by yourself in the cold ward, clutching your stomach and your teeth gritted. And then finally fall asleep like that?

I let my thoughts run out of control, such that my heart felt like it was aching.

The past days, even though I often came to visit him, I've never properly asked him what his illness was. I just kept on thinking to myself "It will get better."

It will get better. It will.

I sat beside him, looking at the light frown on his forehead.

Then I let my eyes wander, and I saw the apple placed on the table.

The apple that was named after me, was still carrying a smile, not at all aware of the current situation.

Didn't I ask you to accompany him well.

Why do you only know how to make your silly smiles.

He is in pain right now can't you see.

…I've never felt this helpless.

Why did I give him such an apple. He had to face this obnoxiously smiling thing while he was suffering in pain, if it were me, I'd probably get mad.

Ah…Park Chanyeol you dumbass.

I suddenly wanted to throw that apple away immediately, but I realised that that guy might get upset to wake up and see it gone.

"You promised me."

I muttered to the person lying on the bed.

"…...You have to quickly recover."

Byun Baekhyun's surgery was on the next day, at nine in the morning. I was at a pictorial shooting then.

"Chanyeol, look here!"

The photographer shouted at me.

"Smile a little!"

I can't fucking smile, goddamnit.

My brain was filled with the image from yesterday of that person curled up in pain.

He'll recover after this surgery right? Even though I tried to think that way to reassure myself, I still felt a sense of apprehension.

After the schedule ended, our other assistants brought us to the hospital. Then, the surgery was supposed to have ended for an hour.

Outside the surgery theatre, I saw Tae Shin Hyung sitting on the chairs, waiting.

"Chanyeol-ah, why did you come?" Tae Shin Hyung looked like he didn't expect me to be here, "I'm fine here by myself."

"My schedule already ended, so, so I'm here," I was panting slightly, since I ran up the stairs, "How…did the surgery go?"

"I don't know," Tae Shin Hyung patted me, "…don't worry."

He tried to calm me down, but I could see that he was worried too.

I sat down beside him, unknowingly, my fingers curled up to form a fist.

After some time, the doors of the surgery theatre opened, a nurse rushed out.

Has it ended?

I dashed up to the lady and grabbed her, "How was the surgery? Is he okay?"

The nurse did look rather urgent and impatient, "The patient is suffering from heavy blood loss right now, the situation is a bit…You should be mentally prepared."

"What…What?" I was in disbelief, " …Say that again, what?"

— What do you mean? Prepare myself mentally.

— Prepare for what

— I'm obviously unprepared…

The fear in my heart suddenly expanded infinite time, as if was about to suffocate, even my breathing felt conscious and difficult.

Tae Shin Hyung was shocked as well.

The nurse no longer stayed to entertain us; she had already rushed off somewhere.

I felt like the last bit of hope had slipped through my fingers, in distress, I turned to Tae Shin Hyung.

"Hyung, will he die."

"Chanyeol, calm down…"

"Byun Baekhyun he…will he die? Huh?"

Tae Shin Hyung too, showed an anxious expression.

"Actually I…I've never told you guys about this, but there's a tumour in his stomach…Even though it could completely removed by surgery, the doctor told me that the tumour was grown at a dangerous spot, such that it might cause massive bleeding during surgery…and I've never told Baekhyun about this…I've always seen the boy to be rather negative about his illness, I didn't want him to be burdened by the heavy weight of this."

I froze, not knowing how to react. Tae Shin Hyung and the nurse's words reiterated themselves in my head, their voices were all over the place, as if trying to drive me over the edge.

So what you're saying is….that person, he will die?

This was something I've never thought about. At our young age, we've barely had any experiences of life and death, or partings and goodbyes. I've always thought of it as something a part of a television drama. But in real life, even if someone were to fall sick, they'd definitely recover, and miracles always happened.

So I've never thought about someone leaving me, falling into eternal slumber.

— I've never thought, that the person right now in the operating theatre would never open his eyes before I got the chance to treat him well.

And I. What about myself. I could only stand here uselessly like a fool just with a door between us. But I can't do anything to help, I can't do anything.

I even wish I could pretend like it's a drama, so that I can push my sleeves up and tell the medical staff to "Please use my blood to save him".

I could only stand on the spot, unable to do anything to relief the situation.

Fear was like vine, winding itself tightly around me. My brain was blank as well, but it also felt as if it was flashing all the scenes from the past.

Of him crying alone. Him smiling quietly. Him when he frowned in pain upon my slaps. Him when his skin was pale from his illness. Him when he was lonely and had no company. Him when he called my name repeatedly. Him when he told me softly, "I like you very much."  
It was only then when I realised that some things, if I don't do them instantly, I might never get a chance to.

I wasn't sure how long passed after that. In between there were nurses occasionally entering and exiting. In the end, a man who resembled a doctor the most exited the surgery theatre. He looked rather exhausted. This time, I felt as if I was pinned to the ground, unable to move, afraid that I'd hear any unwanted news.

Tae Shin Hyung rushed to the doctor.

"Doctor, how is that child?"

I licked my dry lips, gazing intently at the doctor.

"His current situation is pretty good. However, there has been a massive blood loss, to ensure the patient's safety, the tumour could not be removed successfully."

"Huh! What?" Tae Shin Hyung's eyes widened.

"You don't have to worry, there won't be any implications with the patient as of now. He should take note of his meals and come for regular check ups. When the time is right we'll arrange for a second surgery."

"S…So he isn't in any danger right now?" I heard myself speak.

"Nope, you may go visit him soon."

"So he won't die?" I continued to ask with much impatience, like I just awoke from a bad nightmare.

The doctor was stunned by my questions, "….no, the patient is in a good condition right now."

They say, that you're in a good condition.

But why are you not waking up.

I sat by his bed, gently caressing his fingers.

Is it because you've lost too much blood? Why isn't there any hint of colour in your pale skin, as if you're about to vanish in front of me.

I got scared for real just now, you jerk.

Quickly wake up, you know I'm impatient. I hate the feeling of waiting.

But how long have you waited. Waited for the bastard to turn back and slowly realise your good, and your scars and your wounds.

Stilly, I sat there, looking at him blankly, but then I saw his eyelids flutter.

And then they opened slowly.

Like the petals of a blooming flower. Silently yet beautifully.

My hands tightened their grip around his.

Thank the heavens. I prayed in my heart. The moment I saw him wake, I suddenly felt as if I had so much to tell him, but somehow my throat was locked.

Byun Baekhyun looked straight forward with confusion for a moment, then when he felt a warm temperature on his hands, he tilted his head slightly to look at me.

"…Chanyeol…" His voice was hoarse. I could feel my heart ache.

"You finally woke."

The corners of his lips moved a little, it seemed like he was trying to smile. But he was so weak then that even his breathing sounded tedious.

"You are so fucking weak," I chided him, "how did you end up like this."

"…But I'm perfectly fine right now, aren't I." His voice was soft, and he didn't budge his hands, but it was probably due to his lack of energy.

"Are you kidding with me."

In between the moment, I felt as if there wasn't any form of ill feeling between us, or a conflict ridden past. It felt as if we've held hands while watching each other for years.

"Apple…Where's Apple-Chan…." He suddenly asked me.

I paused for a moment and reached to grab a apple from the bag on the table behind me. Then I passed it to him.

He took the apple over. His pale slender fingers looked particularly pale in contrast.

He stared at the apple for a moment.

"This…this isn't…This isn't Apple-Chan."

I didn't speak. He looked like as if he was afraid that I did not believe him, he showed me the side of the apple with the drawing.

"…It doesn't smile…"

I did not know how to reply at that instant.

The smiley Apple-Chan seemed to have been thrown away by the nurse while she was cleaning the ward.

But I did hate that smug grin. Like an annoying jerk that kept on smiling at other people's plight.

But I thought of the other jerk that might get upset when he woke up to see Apple-Chan gone, I drew another one, but this time it wasn't smiling. Instead, I only drew the two eyes. It looked particularly pitiful.

"It can't smile. It's sad when it sees you like this," I tried to explain.

He looked disappointed, and looked down on the new Apple-Chan for a long time. Then he turned his head to look at me, then handed it over.

"…Help me, draw another smile…please…" There were weak breaths in between his words, he looked tired.

I did not take the apple. Instead I wrapped my hands around his cold ones, we held the apple together.

"I didn't bring a pen."

And I wasn't lying. This smile-less apple was drawn using a borrowed pen from a nurse.  
He pressed his lips into a thin line, not knowing what to do.

"Then Chanyeol…can…can you…" He asked me carefully and hesitantly, "can you smile at me…"

His watched me expectantly.

— But do you think I can smile in this situation, stupid.

I pursed my lips, but I still couldn't figure out how I was supposed to smile looking at his current state.

My heart felt painful, as it was being gripped tight.

Looking at my unpleasant expression, he thought as if he had asked for too much.

"…I…was kidding…haha." He gently pulled his arms back, placing the apple near his heart.  
Just the conversation seemed to have tired him out, his eyelashes fluttered, looking rather sleepy.

"Rest well. I'll come see you again tomorrow," I decided to leave.

"…You don't have to come," He looked at me with a serious expression, "…you must be quite busy recently…"

I didn't speak as I watched him.

"Don't worry…I have him beside me," He tried to smile, waving the apple in his hand weakly.

His smile was pale and weak, but his eyes were gentle.

I felt my heart lose a beat.

— How much I wanted to tell him.

— At that moment, I really wanted to kiss him.

20 [Park Chan Yeol] Script

I lowered my head, gently swirling the liquid in my glass. Foam was floating above the light yellow liquid, forming small waves.

The rain from outside gradually increased in volume.

"Its been long huh, us."

The voice sounded as beautiful as ever.

That beautiful voice of hers. I was in denial, has it really lied to me?

I raised my head, looking at the person opposite me — the person whom I've been in love with for a very very long time.

"Oppa?" She looked at me, not too happy, "are you okay?"

"Nothing," I smiled.

"Don't you miss me? You don't even come see me anymore," She pursed her lips, eyes scrunched up.

I reached my hand over to give her cheeks a light pinch, making her giggle.

"So how are you recently? Is your work going smooth?" I asked.

She shook her head.  
"Its pretty difficult…We're still in the process of script reading."

"You've received a new drama?" I looked at her, shocked.

"Yeah, the one that I've been wanting to tell you ever since the last time we met, but you never have time to come see me," She whined, then picked up the previous topic, "But in this drama, I'm just a minor role. There's barely half a page of script for me, yet I have to go over it again and again."

"It's alright, just take it slow." I tried to console her, but it was her confidence that made me feel bad inside.

If she never left, if she debuted through our company, she'd easily get casted for lead roles. Or at least the close supporting ones.

She'd never be struggling so much – trying her best, but only ending up with the minor roles.  
"Nevermind about that, Oppa how have you been? Busy?" She watched me with wide eyes.

"…Yeah, pretty busy." Thinking of how I've been visiting the hospital that frequently, I answered with a hint of guiltiness.

"Oh yeah…" She watched me, slightly hesitantly, "Isn't Baekhyun Oppa hospitalised? That's what I heard…"

I froze, and immediately nodded.

"It's nothing serious right?"

"…It's okay." I tapped my fingers unknowing on the table, letting my gaze wander out of the window.

The world suddenly turned to an enormous glass bottle, where we sink and float and bask amongst the muddled surge of waves.

There are some things, that I just can't bring myself to ask.

Soon, it was already two month's past Baekhyun's surgery. Those freezing February days has also dashed towards the lively spring of April. We've been busy during those times, but as I gradually watched Byun Baekhyun get healthier by the day, I'd like to think of those days to be smooth-sailing.

Even though his health is pretty bad, he'll be able to get discharged soon. He's originally been staying in the hospital for further attention for his unremoved tumour. Though he lives in a single ward, the hospital was still a public location, staying for too long was inconvenient.

Today, I managed to disguise myself and went to the hospital to see him. When I entered the ward, I saw him sitting at the side of the bed, about to get off.

"…You're here." He looked at me.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"I just wanted to go out for a walk," He turned his head to look out of the window, "it's boring to stay inside for too long."

I followed the direction of his eyes to the scenery outside of the window. Spring was in full bloom, the lively scenery made the room seem much more cold and miserable in comparison.  
I nodded.

"I'll go with you."

"That's alright, I can manage on my own," He denied, as if a habit when he's with me.

"So, I came here to visit you yet you are asking me to wait here for you?"  
He smiled, embarrassed.

In the past month, he has finally laid down his barriers against me. Except sometimes when I touched him, he would still instinctively shrink away a little.

Seeing him unable to escape the shadows in his heart, my heart ached.

Just as he was about to bend over to put on his shoes, I rushed up to him.  
"Let me help you."

Even though I was aware that his sickness is getting better, I could not help but to be reminded of when he had just finished his surgery. Back then, even a slight movement would cause him pain in his surgery cut, making him wince in pain.

Even though his wounds are probably healed by now, I couldn't bear to see him do anything too vigorous.

"No no no!" This time he was shocked, and a little intimidated. He tried to refuse, but I grabbed onto his slim wrists, disabling his escape.

"Don't move."

"…Oh."

I lowered myself and carefully put on his shoes for him, tying his shoelace afterwards. He was probably feeling nervous when I saw his hands gripping the sides of the bed tightly from my corner vision.

"Done," I stood up, at the same time taking off my coat to give it to him, "It's still quite cold outside."

He slowly took the coat over while watching me, touched.

I wanted to smile, "Don't look at me like that, quickly put it on."

I walked with him side by side on the pavement behind the hospital. But there was still an invisible distance between us.

No words were exchanged. But we were at ease.

After walking for some time, I could feel his pace getting slower. I held him up.  
"Let's sit down and rest for a while."

He nodded, sitting down beside me on a long bench.

"Today's weather is nice," I leaned onto the bench, trying to look relaxed and giving our conversation a horribly cliché start.

"Yeah," He agreed as he looked up at the sky, eyes squinting a little, "I want to be discharged from the hospital soon."

From this angle I was at, he looked like a firefly in daylight before me, embraced by the sunlight as it shone over him.

How good looking.

"What do you want to do when you get out of the hospital?" I asked.

He tilted his head in thought, then said, "I want us to have a comeback…haha, and go back to singing."

"…I think you should rest," All those busy schedules, can you manage?

"I heard about Kyungsoo's solo, it's such a good song." He turned his head to look at me with a smile, "I secretly used my phone to message him a support via our fanboard."

"Are you envious?"

"Hehe…a little." He smiled sheepishly, then looked immediately as if he was reminded of something.

"What about Luhan Hyung? Is he back?"

"Yeah, he just arrived yesterday. He's going to have to promote with Sehun in their new sub unit."

"Ah…not bad."

He no longer had his vision far away, instead, he lowered his head slightly.

What could he be thinking about? Relieved that his absence did not affect the member's developments? Or sad because everyone was still living their lives perfectly well.

I saw him get carried away for a moment, but then he suddenly turned to look at me.  
"What about you?" He asked.

"Unemployed at the moment."

"Huh?"

I nodded, "However, the company has chosen a few scripts for me," I said, straightening myself to lean away from the bench, I reached my arm over and wrapped it around his shoulders.

"Really?!" He was obviously very attached to the news, he looked up at me from the crook of my arms, "What kind of a drama? When are you going to film it? Which broadcasting station?"

"How annoying of you, I don't know yet," I side-eyed him.

"…Hehe."

"But it's confirmed that I'll be the male lead," I was rather proud, tightening my arm around his shoulders.

"Woah~" He looked much more excited that I was.

"Do you want to make a special appearance in it?"

"What special appearance?" He giggled, "random passer-by dude?"

"I'm serious, after you get discharged."

"Forget it," He smiled, "I have no part in the script."

His words made me feel a little weird inside. Just as I was about to say something, I was interrupted by my ringing phone.

It was our manager.

"Hello," I picked up the phone. Byun Baekhyun shifted away, removing himself from my arm.

"Chanyeol ah, where are you?"

"I'm…" I eyed Baekhyun for a moment, "I'm with Baekhyun."

"You come to the company now, I have things to discuss with you," I could sense some slight unhappiness in Tae Shin Hyung's voice.

"…Got it. I'll head there now."

After I hung up the call, I found the other person looking at me.

"You're leaving?" He asked.

"Yeah, there's some stuff to attend to at the company," I said as I stood up.

"Ohhh," He stood up too, removing the jacket and passed it to me, "quickly go."

"Hey, you'll fall sick," I immediately draped the jacket over his back, "I'll send you back."

"No, its fine…"

"It's nothing urgent anyway," I helped him smooth his clothes.

"But —"

"Shush, you're being noisy."

He obeyed and stopped talking.

"Go back and rest well."

He nodded.

"Do you need me to bring anything over the next I come?"

He shook his head.

I smiled and gently knocked his head, "You're doing it on purpose right?"

He smiled too, almost as bright as the sun.

I watched him, enthralled.

When I regained myself, I've already pulled him towards me.

The hug came too suddenly, his body was rigid in my tight embrace. I did not know which words were fitting for such a hug.

Sorry.

I could only tell him in my heart.

Only in my heart.

When I entered the small meeting room in our company, both our manager and representative were there.

I bowed and greeted them, and then took out a chair and sat down.

"What's the issue?"

"We're here to talk about your upcoming drama," Tae Shin looked at me with a frown, his expression was serious, "Did you know Lee Hayeon is the supporting female actress?"  
The question's directness got me.

I froze.

"Of course…I don't know…"

"Really?" He looked at me, suspicious.

"The drama has always been planned by the company; I really have not much idea of the details," I explained.

As I thought about it, I realised that it has been quite a while since I saw Hayeon. I had no idea she was casted in a new drama, as the supporting female role.

Manager Jang spoke, "Alright, I'll go talk about it with the producers to see if they can replace her."

"You can't!" I immediately opposed.

To Hayeon right now, how difficult it must've been to for her to grab such a significant role.

"Don't get your feelings involved," Tae Shin Hyung scolded, "there's nothing I can do about it, but I can't let the two of you be in a same drama."

I was silent.

If I were myself of a few months back, I probably would've grab onto this chance and fight back, — why can't we film together?

But now…

"I'll quit then," I felt muddled, rubbing my temples.

"What are you saying?" Tae Shin Hyung stared at me, "is this a fucking joke?"

"Aren't there other drama invitations? Can't I just pick another one?"

"There's obviously a reason why we chose this drama for you, it was all carefully thought out!"

I wanted to laugh out coldly. Carefully thought out you say, but not for the other supporting actors.

"Moreover, you've already signed the contract, so there's no going back."

"Then stop causing more trouble for Hayeon," I stared at Manager Jang, "You've already forced her into her current state."

"You brat, how dare you speak to him like that?" Tae Shin was greatly angered by my attitude, he gave my head a hard push.

"I'm fine," Manager Jang watched me coldly, "You're no longer a child, don't be so hot-headed. We just wanted to know if you were aware of the news, and we've got our answer.

From now on, we'll settle it, don't involve yourself."

"I only have one request," I stared at him, a hint of plead above my firm gaze.

I knew I was only a pawn of no power.

"Don't let Hayeon lose this chance."

"I already said, this has nothing to do with you."

I lowered my head, and let out a cold laugh.

Hey, I'm about to become an actor.

— You've always been one.

What a lovely drama we'll been acting in.

— But we'll never be the one writing the script.

21 [Byun Baekhyun] It's all just fatalism

On the day I left the hospital, it was Tae Shin Hyung and Luhan Hyung who came to pick me up.

"Luhan Hyung, why did you come too?" I was shocked. From what I heard from Chanyeol, Luhan Hyung and Sehun were recently preparing for their subunit's comeback, and they were both very busy.

"I haven't come see you in a while," Luhan Hyung said, smiling with a hint of guilt, "I've been in China for a long time, and was busy preparing for the subunit, it feels I haven't seen you in a really long time."

This made me slightly overwhelmed, "You really don't have to come, look, I'm perfectly fine now."

Tae Shin Hyung who had just finished some paperwork at the side gave us a side stare, "Quickly get on the car, you guys are in a group, there's no need to be so polite with each other."

Both of us let out a laugh.

"Ya, Hyung, you're too much, I was speaking the truth."

"Yeah right Luhan, you're so real. Get in the car," Tae Shin muttered sarcastically as he got into the driver's seat. The two of us followed his orders and got into the seats at the back.

Throughout our whole trip, Luhan Hyung blasted Kyungsoo's new song as he hummed to it, I felt happy too, being able to leave the boring hospital.

I watched the greenery outside the window fly past me, it was already spring.

"What have the other members been doing recently?"

"Chanyeol went for filming, his drama starts filming today," Luhan replied, but he only spoke of Park Chanyeol, as if to me "the other members" only consisted of Park Chanyeol.

I felt slightly awkward, as if someone had peeked into my secrets.

"Speaking of that drama," Tae Shin Hyung who had been driving the whole time suddenly spoke, "The company has been trying to get you to sing the OST for it."

Being away from schedules for long, it took a while for me to understand what he was saying, it was only after seeing how Luhan Hyung did not respond when I realised he was speaking to me.

"Get who to sing it?"

"You," Tae Shin Hyung looked at me through the mirror, "You have to return to the industry somehow, since you can't immediately involve yourself in schedules, why not start with an OST."

Really?

I was still dazed while Luhan turned around to look at me, "You can do it! I've seen Chanyeol's scripts, it looks pretty good. I'm sure it will become popular!"

It would be a rare chance to get to sing OSTs, and if the drama gets popular, the OSTs would as well. Though this job would be pressurising, I was glad.

Then I heard Tae Shin Hyung ask Luhan in a soft voice, "Oh yeah, Chanyeol is fine recently…right?"

Luhan Hyung's happy mood seemed as if it has been extinguished all of a sudden, his reply was cold.

"Yeah, he's fine."

I didn't get what he was trying to say.

What's wrong with Chanyeol?

I asked carefully, "…Chanyeol, he, he is fine right?"

"Just — " Just as Tae Shin Hyung was about to say something, he was interrupted by Luhan Hyung.

"I'll tell you afterwards."

But when I got back, no one told me anything about it.

And I realised that my life wasn't much difference from when I was at the hospital.

The rest of the members were busy, including Park Chanyeol.

— The thought of him gave me a mix of feelings.

I witnessed his change, but I didn't understand what exactly it was about. Back then I would fall deep into every word he said, but now every of his smile and hugs would make me fall ever deeper – beyond redemption.

Was it God pitying me.

Or is it you instead? Park Chanyeol.

I wanted to continue to enjoy your good, but I'm afraid I'd be unable to wake up from this dream.

A week later, I received an unexpected call from Wu Yifan.

"Hello?"

"Hey, let's meet up this afternoon."

"…I have no — "

"Don't say you have no time. You just got out from the hospital, you'd be very free."

I gave up, "Alright, where's the spot."

And now I was sitting in a café, watching the person before me hold his cup, full of elegance.  
"Why did you call me here?" I asked him.

He slowly put down his cup of coffee and looked at me with a smile I couldn't quite understand.

"It seems as if you always feel unexpected to meet me outside of the hotel."

I did not know how to respond to his words.

"…No — "

"So you think we should meet up at the hotel and then do something?"

"I said I don't!" I was slightly angered, but considering the identity of the person in front of me, I had to control myself.

"Be assured, I won't do anything to you taking into consideration your health," He put his joking tone aside, "Moreover, I'm not that inhumane."

It's not like you've never been inhumane.

I didn't reply, I didn't want to care.

"I called you out just to be with you for a while," He said plainly.

Seeing that I gave no reply, he continued on himself.

"I heard your surgery was not too successful."

"It's fine." I gave a simple reply.

"Remember to go for regular check-ups, your illness might return."

"Oh."

I felt strange after realising the fact that he has been stalking my condition.

"Oh yeah, there's been something bothering me. I'm sure you know what it is."

"What?"

"I followed your instructions to push Lee Hayeon up to fame," He looked at me almost teasingly, "But I ended up pushing her into the same drama as Park Chanyeol."

I froze upon hearing his words.

"I'm the main investor of that drama, since I can't just place her as the female lead, I made her the supporting actress."

"You….you did that on purpose didn't you."

"I had no idea," He watched me innocently, "Its just that I find it interesting after getting to know Park Chanyeol would be the male lead."

"Afterwards, your company did approach me and the producers, to replace Lee Hayeon. Of course," He smiled, "I have no intention of doing so."

He anticipated my reaction.

I lowered my eyes and took a sip of hot tea.

"Ah I see. That's nice."

Hayeon has been fighting very hard, I could imagine.

Wu Yifan titled his head, "Why? Aren't you jealous?"

I shook my head.

I don't have the rights to be jealous. If I were to be jealous of Hayeon due to the sudden change of Chanyeol's attitude towards me, I'd be lacking too much awareness of my identity.

Furthermore, knowing the fact that Chanyeol can meet up with Hayeon more through the filming, he'd be happier.

And I was suddenly reminded of when I was returning home from the hospital, how Manager Hyung asked of Park Chanyeol, it was probably because he wanted to know whether there has been anything happening between him and Hayeon while filming together.

Their love has always been so difficult, how nice would it be to get a chance to be together often.

Be together often….how nice.

"I can't understand you," He shook his head, giving up, "So dumb that no one can understand – you're so talented at that."

What the hell was that. I threw him a glance, too lazy to reply him.

"I'm very curious, why you're so willing to help Hayeon."

"Isn't she your rival?"

"So you think I stand a chance against her in competing for Park Chanyeol's love," Such a futile battle, how could I consider her a rival of mine.

"You always say you owe her. What do you owe her exactly?"

I stopped swirling the tea in my cup.

The images from the past slowly surfaced.

Was it in the afternoon? Or dusk? I couldn't remember.

I was looking at the messages on my phone. After hesitating for a while, I dialled the number.

— Hello? Hayeon.

— Yeah, Chanyeol said his phone is out of battery. He called you but you didn't answer, he told me to text you to meet at the normal place.

— But I advice that the two of you should stop meeting up so frequently. I mean, his promotional teasers are already out.

— No that's not what I meant, Hayeon you …

— Can't you be considerate for Chanyeol? He's always thinking for you, can't you do the same?

— Can you stop being so stubborn!

Other's relationship - why did I care so much.

I only remembered Hayeon shouting at me through the phone, _I know you like him, so you can't stand us being together. If you dare, go tell on us to the company._

I paused for a while, tightening my grip on the phone

— If it affects Chanyeol's career then I will.

I felt the other end hung up the call, angered. I put my phone in my pocket and turned around to find Manager Jang standing at the door.

He watched me, smiling, but not really meaning emotion behind the action.

— Baekhyun-ah.

— Manager Jang…Good, good afternoon.

— Is it Chanyeol you were talking about?

— Lee Hayeon and Park Chanyeol? Huh!

I opened my mouth but nothing came out, my heart felt a splash of cold.

From then on I was pinned onto the cross, all the punishments were for me.

I bit my lips. If only back then, I had been more careful with my words, there'd be much more happy people.

"So what exactly is it?" Wu Yifan's words pulled me back into reality, "What crime did you commit? That you have to go to such lengths to compensate it?"

I took a deep breath.

"Back then because of me, the company got to know about Park Chanyeol and Lee Hayeon's relationship. That's why…the company fired her." I said softly, watching the tea leaves swirl in my cup.

"Ohhh~" He dragged his word, as if a sudden realisation, "You told on them?"

"…I guess so."

"But what you did was right."

I watched him, speechlessly. I've always found his morals problematic, I guess I was right.

"Because of me she had to wait for so long to debut. Chanyeol was also forced to separate with her, for one year, he couldn't see his lover," I laughed dryly, "That's considered the right thing to do?"

The only right thing must be my punishment and the price I have to pay.

The person in front of me was silent for a very long time. Then he gave a slight smile.

"How interesting, you bunch of people,"

Yeah. Us bunch of people. Controlled as if pawns, unable to be in charge of our destinies.

Acting out drama after drama in front of invisible camera lenses.

How very interesting.

The conversation continued on to get duller and duller. Then Wu Yifan picked up a call, he spoke in his phone at the same time as he called for a waiter.

"Bill." He said, after hanging up the call.

I took out my wallet, about to retrieve some money as Wu Yifan snatched it away from me, then he tossed me his.

"I — " Just as I was about to say something, he made a "Shhh" sign with his finger and started to speak on the phone.

I gave up and took money from his wallet instead to pay the bill.

Two pieces of paper accidentally fell out.

Just as I was about to pick them up, Wu Yifan hung up the call.

"Ah, just nice, there's a musical this week, do you want to go see?" He picked them up to look at them.

Was this an…invitation? I watched him, alert.

"Don't look at me like that, I don't have time for those stuff," He threw the tickets towards me, "I'll give these to you."

"…Why would I want to go watch it…" I took the tickets over, " 'La Vie En Rose'?"

"It's your own choice."

"Let's go, I'll send you back."


	19. 22 23 24

22 [Byun Baekhyun] La Vie En Rose

Just about 5 minutes after Wu Yifan sent me home, Park Chanyeol returned.

…I wasn't seen by him, right?

"Where did you go," He asked, seeing that I was still wearing my coat. His expression looked rather relaxed.

I shuddered a little on the inside. For how many times, I was punished for my answers when I was asked such a question.

"…I went to uh…meet a friend."

"What friend?"

I saw his calm expression and decided to take the risk.

"Just…a friend from high school...he just wanted to meet up after he heard I was discharged from the hospital."

"Oh." He nodded, not probing further.

Seeing that he has believed my words, I felt slightly guilty.

Why are you suddenly so nice to me; suddenly starting to believe me, even my lies.

Seeing that I was frozen at my spot, he became bothered.

"What's wrong?"

"…Nothing." I hid my shocked expression, turning around to plug my phone to it's charger as I changed the topic, "I thought you'd be busy with filming but you're back rather early."

"I've filmed all my parts for today — what's that?"

"Huh?" I turned around and saw him pick something up from the floor.

Ah — those musical tickets. Wu Yifan had stuffed them into my pocket while I wasn't paying attention, they must have fell off when I took my phone out.

"This is uh…what my friend gave…"

"'La Vie En Rose'?" He frowned as he examined the tickets. Then he looked up to ask me, "Who are you going with?"

"I don't actually plan on going. My friend just kind of gave it to me."

"So, you don't need them?" He asked.

I shook my head.

I saw the way he was holding those tickets. I instantly realised something. It was obvious.

He has been filming with Hayeon recently.

A longing re-united couple at last, they'd probably appreciate such chances. Walking into the dark room of seats, regardless how many people there would be around them, it would only be their own world.

"Have it," I smiled, "I won't be using it anyway."

"You're really giving them to me?"

"Yeah."

"So I can use it however way I like it?"

"…Yeah," Of course. I nodded and turned back to find the charger cable.

But I was tapped on the shoulder.

"Hey."

Park Chanyeol's deep and attractive voice came from behind.

What's wrong? I turned back around.

I saw him holding one of the tickets out towards me.

"Watch it with me."

No matter from how long ago it was, every single detail of the image stayed imprinted with me in my mind.

His expression as he asked, I remember. The slightly lifted corners of his lips, I remember.

Even the curve of his extended arm and his delicate fingers that held the paper, I remember it all.

He's the one I've been loving for a very long time.

The one whom I've never received anything in return from. The one who hates me and dislikes me.

Is now watching me sincerely, waiting for me to take the invitation from his hand.

— Watch it with me.

My mind stopped processing. I watched him with a confused expression as I slowly took the tickets from him.

"They're even VIP tickets," He watched me as I took the ticket from him, and then examining his own ticket, "Free to choose any session of the week. Woah, how'd your friend get this?"

"…" I remained in a daze.

"So let's watch it the day after the next?"

"Hey, Byun Baek Hyun."

"Huh."

"I said, let's go watch this musical the day after next," He waved the ticket.

"…The day after next," I nodded immediately, "Sure sure."

"Don't forget." He stuffed the ticket into his jeans pocket and walked slowly out of the room.

As I clutched tickets tightly, barely able to believe anything that has happened.

My heart felt as if it has been penetrated by a ray of light, spreading joy all around. I felt ecstatic, so much that I wanted to leap onto the bed and scream as I roll in it.

Ah…I'm too fucking easy.

I chided myself as I secretly looked forward.

— The day after next.

— Please come fast.

[After a very long time when we reminiscenced the past, he smiled as he exposed himself.

— Back then I was afraid you'd decline me.

— Even though I knew you'd agree. But I just…

— I was nervous for no reason.

— My palms were sweating as I was holding the ticket.]

Evening at seven o'clock, I put on my snapback and entered the theatre – just as it was about to start.

Chanyeol would be coming straight from filming, and when I got there, he was already at his seat.

He was wearing a snapback too as he waved at me to get my attention.

I walked towards him and sat down. I was slightly nervous at the thought of having to sit silent next to him for the next two hours. I felt my heart beat fast.

"Have you eaten?" He leaned close and asked in a low voice.

"Yeah, I've eaten."

"But I haven't."

"…Then what should we do?"

"Have a meal with me when we finish."

"Sure."

I smiled to myself involuntarily at the thought of being to be with him for a longer while.

The theatre was suddenly filled with a romantic tune, the dark maroon curtains on the stage drew open. The dazzling female lead sat lazily in the centre of the stage.

I cut conversations with him and started to enjoy the story.

Barely half an hour into the musical, Park Chanyeol leaned towards me again, and asked, "Hey, isn't that that woman," He pointed to the actress who entered the stage, "Oh yeah, Jang Eun Won. She's a pretty famous actress."

I looked closely.

"I…don't think so."

"Tsk, how could it not be her. It's definitely her. It's just that her makeup is a little strange."

"It's definitely not her, her name isn't even in the cast credits," I looked at the information brochure in my hands, but I could barely see in the dark theatre.

"I bet you it's her."

"I don't think so, I've eaten with her, I know her."

"You've eaten with her? When?" He turned around to look at me, voice slightly raised.

Just as I was about to reply, someone seated in front of us turned around to glare at us.  
We immediately lowered our caps.

When he turned back around, Park Chanyeol asked me, in an even lower voice.  
"Search it online, it should be her."

"Oh."

I took my phone out, I was vaguely disappointed by the 1% shown near the battery. Why did I forget to charge my phone?

I immediately typed in the name of the musical in the search bar, but before the page could load, my screened blacked off.

…All the battery was used up.

I had to put my phone away.

"Did you find it?" He asked as he continued to watch the act.

"Use mine." He tossed his phone to me.

I continued to search for the musical.

After reading through the information of "La Vie En Rose"s musical and its songs, I gained more understanding towards the musical.

"See, I told you so —" I was holding his phone for him to see when the display image changed.

The phone in my hand vibrated as a picture of pretty girl came into my sight.

It was Hayeon. Hayeon called.

I froze, I felt him by my side do the same when he saw the arriving call.

In the past two months, Hayeon has yet to be brought up between us. This unexpected situation made both of us feel slightly awkward.

He tried to bury the awkwardness by letting out a few coughs, he took the phone from me silently and walked out of the theatre.

I could predict what would happen next.

I did feel slightly upset.

After a while, Chanyeol returned, but he did not seat down. Instead, he leaned down and whispered beside my ear, "I'm leaving for a while."

"…Oh."

"I'll be back soon, wait for me."

"Okay." I nodded. Before I could say "bye", he walked away.

I saw his back view disappear into the distance then turn back to the front.

There was no one on the stage, but the props forged a busy yet lonely street.

Park Chanyeol did not appear even when the near 2 hour musical ended.

I lowered my snapback again and followed the crowd out of the theatre. I felt slightly lost as I stood at the entrance of the theatre.

It was probably already nine as I predicted since I was unable to check the time or contact Park Chanyeol with my battery-less phone.

Furthermore, he's probably with Hayeon at the moment, how could I disturb them.

The night was cold, and I didn't walk far, afraid that he would leave when he return to see no one at the theatre. I lowered my head and leaned against the door, looking around carefully from time to time.

It feels like I've been waiting for a very long time.

I've waited for the session's crowd to clear away. I've waited for the new batch of audience to arrive. I've waited for the carefully crafted performance to unveil in front of many pairs of new eyes.

— I don't think he'll return.

I told myself.

But I couldn't bring myself to leave. His whisper of "wait for me" seemed to have cast a spell on me, making me unable to end the wait.

Only when I unknowingly brought my hand up to press on my stomach, I realised that my gastric pains had resurfaced.

But I'm used to pain. This time, it is probably because of the cold weather. I gritted my teeth and pressed down on the source of pain.

From my corner vision however, I saw someone hesitantly watching me.

I turned around to see a little girl standing there.

Her initial response when I noticed her was shock, but she immediately ran up to me excitedly.

"Oh my god, oh my god. It's Baekhyun Oppa." She rushed up and grabbed my arm, but immediately let go when she realised that her actions were inappropriate.

I forced a smile at her.

"Baekhyun Oppa, it's been so long since we last saw you! You were in the hospital?"

"Um…about this…" I smiled bitterly. I was unsure of how to reply.

"Are you very sick? You don't look very well…" Her expression showed worry.

"Nah, it's nothing major." I assured her.

"Oh yeah! I almost forgot!" Her animated actions did seem rather endearing, "It's such an important thing!"

"Baekhyun Oppa happy birthday!"

I paused, then followed by a smile.

"Thank you."

She knocked her head regretfully, "I didn't know I'd meet oppa today, I didn't prepare anything for you!"

"It's okay —"

I was interrupted by her before I could finish. She used my hand to search in her bag and retrieved a small notebook.

"Oppa could you please sign for me?"

I took the notebook and the pen. Just as my hand left my stomach, I felt the cold spread in my body. As I had managed to warm the area, the wind felt even colder in comparison.

— Looks like it was never supposed to be warm in the first place.

I completed the signature as I let my mind wander.

"Ah! Thank you so much Oppa!" She took her notebook back, but had no intention of leaving.

"What is Oppa doing here?" She asked, "Are you going to watch a musical?"

"No…I'm waiting for someone."

Her eyes were filled with curiosity, "A friend?"

But I could tell she probably meant "girlfriend".

Just as I was about to reply, my arm was grabbed onto from the back.

The voice was slightly panting as it travelled into my ears.  
"I'm back."

The girl in front of me widened her eyes, "…Chanyeol Oppa."

Park Chanyeol bowed a little at her politely, "Hello." His smile was enchanting.

— Enchanting. My beloved Chanyeol. I tilted my head to watch him, his eyes were still dazzling hidden under the shelter of his snapback in the dark and heavy night.

"We're leaving first, be careful on your way back!" Before the girl could react, he had pulled me away.

I staggered behind him as I heard his deep voice melt into the night.

"Sorry, I made you wait long."

"…It's okay."

"Let's go eat something, I know there's a nice stall near our dorm."

"You weren't unrecognised right. Why did you just stand there foolishly."

"…Oh."

Because I'm afraid you won't be able to find me.

Due to the pain in my stomach, I could barely reply him. He seemed to have notice that I was abnormal and stopped in his steps to turn to look at me.

"…Angry?"

"….No."

Why would I be angry? The fact that you've returned to look for me is enough to keep me happy for a very long time.

"Then you —" He looked at me, confused, coming closer to me.

I tried to avoid his gaze.

"…Your gastric pains are back?"

Am I hallucinating? His tone was full of worry.

"No…"

"What the hell do you mean by no? Your face is pale," He watched me, "Lets go back."  
Go back? How can that be?

This is our first date. Being greedy, I didn't want it to end just yet.

"…It's nothing much…" I started to get panic, and tried my best to smile at him, "I'll be fine after drinking some warm water…"

"No, you already —"

"Please," I forced the smile as I looked at him pleadingly, "…Just for a bit more, a bit more."  
He watched me, not speaking for some time.

At last, he sighed.

"You fool."

There wasn't much people in the small yet brightly lit eatery, especially since it was already 10 on a weekday.

We sat at the corner of the shop as I slowly sipped on a cup of hot water. It did lessen the pain.

When I put the cup down, I saw Park Chanyeol sitting in front of me staring directly at me, it made me feel rather uncomfortable.

"Why aren't you eating," I pointed at the bowl of noodles in front of him, "It's getting cold."

"Oh." He simply replied before breaking apart the disposable chopsticks to stir the noodles.

But he did not eat them.

"…Because it was cold right?" He suddenly asked.

"Huh?" I could not understand what he was referring to.

"Your gastric pain was because you stood there too long in the cold weather, am I right?" He sounded slightly unhappy, "I remember the doctor told you that you should take note of the food you consume, and wear lots of clothes to prevent yourself from getting too cold."

I watched him.

He actually remembered.

"Your pain just now…was because I made you wait for too long right?"

"No no," I immediately shook my head, "Sometimes it just starts to hurt for no reason, it's definitely not because of that."

His lips was pressed into a thin line, expression unreadable.

Just then, his phone rang.

He looked down and took his phone out.

I felt my heart clench.

— Will he leave again after the call? Like just now.

I watched him nervously with the cup held tightly in my hands.

"Hello, Luhan Hyung."

Ah, it isn't her…

"Yeah, I'm together with him right now," He watched my as he spoke, "His phone ran out of battery."

Suddenly, his expression changed to look rather strange, he did not speak for some time, as if he was frozen in his spot.

After a while, he replied, "Oh…okay…I've got it."

After he hung up, I asked, "It was Luhan Hyung right? Is everything okay?"

He watched me with even more bewilderedness, "Yah! Byun Baekhyun you…!"

He suddenly shouted at me.

I got a shock.

"Today is your birthday?"

"Uhh…Yeah."

"The hell, you bastard…why didn't you tell me!"

23 [Park Chan Yeol] May Sixth

2010 —

"Happy Birthday!"

He was the last to enter our group; the rookies amongst the trainees didn't exactly have much better of a life than the rookies amongst the real idol industry. No one was close with each other yet, it felt more like "so we're going to debut together, and help each other in the future". On his birthday, it was Luhan Hyung's idea - everyone pretended to be cold and unwelcoming to Byun Baekhyun in the day, until at night when the lights of the practice room were switched off and Sehun emerged with a candle-lit cake.

The candle light illuminated Byun Baekhyun's smile. His eyes were gleaming too.

"Happy birthday!" The May Sixth of that year, we surrounded him, our cheers engulfing our lively yet fragile youth.

2012 —

"I want to give myself to him as a gift."

It was his first birthday celebration after our debut. The fans below the stage were holding all forms of banners and gifts for him. And Sehun had somehow exposed that I failed to prepare a gift for Byun Baekhyun. Towards the fans who were shouting in unhappiness, he could only smile awkwardly. I walked towards him and wrapped my arms around his shoulders as if we were close, his body tensed up in response.

"I want to give myself to him as a gift." I said. The May Sixth of that year, amongst the fan's enthusiastic shouts, our smiles fooled the whole world.

2013 —

If someone were to ask of his birthday, I would struggle to remember.

— Was it May Sixth? It seems so.

But when the day came, I failed to associate it to "his birthday".

How do I define the passing of time?

It is the number that lights up and dies down on your handphone screen. It is the shared bedroom that darkens at dusk then lightens again at dawn. It is the mindless flipping of the calendar. But those circled dated marked significant never involved you.

May Sixth this year, he sits before me, sipping on a cup of warm water while I listened to Luhan Hyung on the other side of the phone.

"I thought he wouldn't be out tonight, so I even bought a cake with Sehun. We wanted to celebrate before we leave."

"We have a flight tonight remember? There's a show overseas."

"Then tell him that I wish him happy birthday."

"It's fine as long as you're with him. Kyungsoo went to Busan for filming, I was just afraid Baekhyun would return to an empty house. You're celebrating with him outside?"

"…Don't tell me you forgot his birthday? You dumb shit."

"You won't remember unless we throw a party huh?"

I was rooted for a moment until I finally spoke up to stop Luhan Hyung's nags.

"Alright…I've got it." I hung up.

So…Today is your birthday.

How come I had no idea?

"Today is your birthday?"

"Uhh…Yeah."

"The hell, you bastard…why didn't you tell me!"

It felt as if I've gotten used to unleashing my anger on him, even though it was my own fault.  
He looked at me helplessly.

"A…About this, I…uh, sorry."

I was suddenly reminded of when I asked him to watch the musical along with me. When I told him to have it dated today, he looked for a slight moment, shocked.

…It can't be that he thought I had chosen this date to celebrate his birthday with him?

I felt a little frustrated at myself. But I had completely forgotten about his birthday. Since this was already the case, I might as well come clean, "I didn't prepare any presents…"

"You don't have to."

"…Did anyone celebrate with you already?"

"I heard that the fans had a gathering to celebrate my birthday," He seemed happy as he thought about it, but immediately kept his smile away when he saw my displeased expression.

"Uh…Is it…" He asked me carefully, "that you're unhappy because it's my birthday?"

It did seem so.

"Let's not talk about this anymore," He tried to talk about something else, "So today you— "

"I want to talk about this."

"Huh?"

I grabbed my chopsticks and picked up a strand of noodle carefully from my bowl.

"Eat this as a representation*, birthday boy." I gave it to him, "I know you can't eat much when it's late, but just eat it to fulfil it's purpose. — Hey stop stoning. Quick."

"Oh oh oh," He immediately leaned in, and took it with his lips before sucking it up.

— Like a small animal.

"Ok, now you'll live long." I reached forward to pinch his cheeks. He shuddered a bit before letting a little flush onto his cheeks.

"Thank you." He said with his eyes lowered.

I watched his shy expression, it suddenly seemed…kind of cute.

"I'll…gift you a wish."

"A wish?"

"Yeah, as I gift," I nodded, "I'll make a wish of yours come true."

He watched me with wide eyes.

"Anything?"

"As long as I can do it."

"Hmmm…" He sank into deep thought.

"I'm Genie for you boy~" I watched him, humming a song of Girl's Generation. It made him giggle.

"Quick, tell me."

"…I'm thinking," He scratched his head, "Anything? For real?"

"Yeah."

"Then…," He bit his lips and asked carefully, "Can we go on a date again?"

That's it?

I looked at him, puzzled.

He continued to watch me carefully, "Will that be possible?"

I nodded.

"When?" I asked him.

"I get to decide that?"

"Duh."

"Then…" He thought about it, "One month later?"

"Huh?"

"Why? Is that not possible?"

"…Alright, then one month later," How peculiar, "June Sixth?"

"Uh, yeah, yeah," He nodded, and immediately pressed down the uplifted corners of his lips.  
You're that happy eh?

Even after how I've just ruined our first date ever.

Despite so, you're still looking forward to the next one?

"Next time, let's go watch a musical again, since I didn't finish it this time," I suggested.

I didn't finish it with you.

"Sure," He nodded, "But I'm not sure what musicals will be showing then."

"Anything is fine."

He nodded again, this time with a smile.

"Oh yeah, what happened in the end?" I asked.

"Huh?"

"La Vie En Rose. What was the ending?"

"Uh…In the end, the female lead became a famous singer," He thought for a while, "But she didn't have a smooth love life, her lover died, and so did she, after falling sick soon after."

"…That was so…brief."

"But that was what happened."

"Thank goodness I didn't finish it."

"Uh…"

— _I'm satisfied._

 _He lay on the bed, as he gazed at me with a smile._

 _— Do you still remember La Vie En Rose? The story that I told you it's ending._

 _— Even a difficult life like that in the story, can still be referred as one like a rose._

 _— So, I'm satisfied._

 _— As long as we can love like this._

 _Byun Baekhyun…You moron._

 _He watched me, suddenly panicking, and reached his hand up to touch my face._

 _— Don't cry…Hey… be happy!_

When we reached the dorm, it was already over eleven.

A cake was placed on the table, I suppose by Sehun and Luhan.

Byun Baekhyun walked towards it and picked up the card beside it before reading it attentively.

I joined in. Those dudes even wrote birthday greetings for him, even Kyungsoo who left last night.

Why didn't they invite me.

He put the card down, but his bright smile made me feel slightly strange.

…Looks like, I'm not the only one who can bring you happiness.

And, they do it so much better that I can ever.

The thought made me feel frustrated and angered.

"Let's eat the cake?" He suggested with a smile.

"Eat? It's late, I thought you aren't supposed to?" I did not sound particularly kind.

He did not understand why I was suddenly displeased, "…A little bit won't hurt."

I watched his face as he questioned me, his lowered eyes made him look kind of innocent.

"…Eat it then," I reached out to take some icing with my fingers and smeared it on his face.

He failed to dodge in time, and got icing across his cheeks.

I laughed as I looked at his face, I got more icing on my finger again and reached out to try to smear it across his face again.

"Hey don't —" This time, he avoided my attack. But I did not think of letting him go, as I chased after him.

He tried to dodge as he attempted to do the same to me with his icing coated fingertip.

We chased each around for a while.

He ended up pressed against the wall.

"Do you still want to run away." The icing on my finger was all over his face. His left cheek and right jaw was coated with two strip of pale white icing.

He laughed as he tried to attack me while I grabbed his wrist in time and pressed it onto the wall.

Our quick breaths from the chase gradually slowed down, the intimate position we were in made the atmosphere slightly strange. The tip of my nose was almost in contact with the hair of his forehead.

I watched his fluttering eyelashes up close.

I continued to watch him as I spoke.

"Did you know, Byun Baekhyun."

Why is my heart beating fast.

"You jerk, you're really good looking."

He looked up, looking at me with confused eyes.

 _—_ Don't you get what I just said? Fool.

 _—_ I just said that you're really good looking.

I pulled his hand up slowly and placed his icing-coated finger between my lips.  
I sucked it gently as if I were eating delicate pastry.

 _—_ He tastes like icing.

I thought.

Afterwards, I leaned in and whispered in his ear, word by word.

"I. Want. To. Eat. You. Up."

Anyone could hear the teasing amongst those words.

He didn't move, lowering eyes, no longer looking at me.

I moved closer towards him and kissed the icing off his cheek. Brushing my lips across his as I travelled towards his jaw, collecting the icing there with the tip of my tongue.

His body shuddered a little and closed his eyes immediately.

"Are you still afraid of me?"

I gently kissed his eyelids.

"…Don't be."

Another kiss fell on the tip of his nose.

"Right now,"

I leaned close to his lips.

"I quite like you."

My last words made him open his eyes wide in shock, at the same time filled with disbelief. Before he could respond, the next second, I've already caught his lips with mine.

I gently pulled him away from the wall towards myself as my hand travelled upwards, fingers placing itselves amongst his soft hair.

I've never kissed him like that.

His lips were warm and likable.

As our lips embraced, lust spread like wildfire. I reached a hand downwards to unbuckle his belt. Instinctively, he tried to stop me.

"Don't move," I muttered against the kiss, it was slurry.

I continued, pulling down his pants and reached my hand into his briefs, grabbing the heat.

"Ah…" He moaned into my lips.

I caressed his desire, gradually increasing in speed.

He could hold back no longer. He broke away from the kiss and threw his head back, gasping in pleasure, as I continued to attend to his needs.

At last, he released himself under my touch. Leaning down, he rested his head against my shoulder.

I turned to face him, gently kissing the frame of his ear, occasionally swiping across it with my tongue.

"Do you feel good."

I asked him softly.

"Now, it's my turn."

24 [Park Chanyeol] Two ends of the balance

I lifted up the man who was leaning limply against my chest and carried him into our shared bedroom. I put him down on the bed and immediately climbed on top of him.

I kissed him softly. This time, I wanted to be gentle.

Even though I was kissing him gently, he did not dare touch me. Instead, he clutched onto the hem of him own shirt, as if it was a habit from my normal aggression.

I let go of his lips and started to unbutton his shirt.

"I used to hurt you" I whispered in a soft voice, "all the time, am I right."

"…" He bit his lips and remained silent.

I tugged his shirt off. His body beneath the cloth looked especially thin, thinner than what I remembered. I could see the curve of his protruding bones, and the paleness of his body.

There was still the tiny scar from the incision of his previous surgery. I could still remember vaguely, how there used to be lines and dents of muscles on his slim wrist, but now, he looked sickly and weak.

Since he was admitted to the hospital I had not touched him. I knew he was losing weight rapidly, but I had no idea that the body hidden under his clothes was this emaciate.

If his body was like this, no matter how gently I treat him, it'd be considered harm.

"How did you become so skinny?" I asked with a frown.

My prolonged gaze made him shy. He grabbed the clothes beside him and covered his body, then lowered his eyes, not looking at him.

"It must look really ugly."

I sighed and lifted the clothing above his body.

Then I lowered my body and kissed him again.

"If it hurts, tell me."

As if he had not understood what I just said, he turned his head to the side as soon as our eyes met.

I leaned forward to kiss his neck as my hand reached into his pants. I used a finger to start to stretch him. He frowned from the foreign object inside of him.

I kissed the corner of his eyes again as I reached another finger in.

"…Ahhh…" He let out a soft moan with his face flushed.

He looked beautiful.

"Does it feel okay now?" I asked as I inserted the third finger.

I heard the way the question left my mouth, it sounded slightly hoarse with a hint of impatience. Was Park Chanyeol born impatient? But with this guy, I thought I should start to contain myself.

He looked at me, after hesitating for a while, he spoke in a soft voice, "You…don't…You don't have to do this…"

"…No it's okay."

"Just, just like how you used to, it's fine…You'll…feel really uncomfortable like this…" He said with much care.

"Like how I used to? But, but then you'll feel uncomfortable."

"I'll be fine."

I felt a certain rush of feelings in my heart.

I did not reply, but watched him. He looked as if he was trying to gather courage, then he watched me cautiously as he reached his hand downwards to touch my rising desire.

In a few strokes, I was at my brink. I cursed in a low voice as I removed my fingers, and thrust into the heat. His walls contracted such that I let out a groan in pleasure, at the same time I heard his moans as well.

"…Ah…"

I leaned down and opened up his lips with a scorching kiss, his soft moans fell into my mouth.

"Louder," I said as our lips separated, looking into his glistening eyes.

"…Ah..."

"Baekhyun-ah."

"…Hng…Ahh…"

"Call my name."

"Chan…Chanyeol…A-Ahhh"

I was satisfied as I continued on with the rhythmic thrusts. But I saw his eyes tear up.

Then a drop of tear rolled down.

"It still hurts?" I stopped immediately and asked him with a frown.

"N-No," He shook his head immediately, and wiped his tears, "…It doesn't hurt at all."

"Then why are you crying?"

"…Don't mind me…"

I smiled, and arched my back to push my heat into his and continued on from just now.

"Ah!" He called out, unprepared. But he bit his lips immediately.

"Does it still hurt?" I teased.

He shook his head.

His warm body seemed as if it held a spell, constantly drawing me in and I let myself be absorbed in all his beauty.

"Chanyeol…I…Ah…C-can I hug you?" His sentence was shattered by my forceful drives into him. I spoke nothing but pull his arms up to be wrapped around my neck.

I was in endless desire.

Afterwards, I let myself go in him. I lay down on my side and pulled him into my embrace, remembering to pull a part of the blanket over to cover him.

He was still recovering. With his half-opened eyes, he gasped softly.

"Am I dreaming?" He asked.

"No."

He opened his eyes and looked at me, "When tomorrow comes…will you still be like this?"

"Yeah."

He closed his eyes again out of tiredness.

"How nice."

I kissed his forehead.

"Hey, happy birthday."

"Chanyeol-ah, wake up." Someone called me softly.

It was Byun Baekhyun.

I was still feeling tired. I fidgeted with my brows knitted and changed my sleep position.

"…Chanyeol," He was hesitant but he gently nudged me with his finger.

"…yeah…" I replied lazily.

"Wake up, you have a schedule to attend to soon."

"Give me a kiss. Then I'll wake up."

"Huh?"

"The prince woke up when the princess kissed him." I said, with my eyes still closed.

"…It's the opposite."

"No, you remembered wrong." Now I was fully awake, but I didn't want to open my eyes until he completed my request.

I could hear the smile in his words, "There's no princess, here's just the frog."

I kept still for a moment and then leaped up to grab him into a kiss.

"Alright, now you're my princess." I stretched my arms and shouted energetically, "Awake!"

I was on my way to wash up, but as I passed by the living room someone entered our dorm.

"Tae Shin Hyung?"

Baekhyun who was standing by the room door paused as well. It felt weird as if we had been caught in the act.

But that was not the case, it was just myself acting up.

"Jong Woo…he didn't bring you to the shoot?"

Jong Woo was my new assistant that the company had assigned. After we've started promoting separately, Tae Shin Hyung had been more involved in Kyungsoo's schedules while the rest of us were assigned assistants.

"He'll be coming later," I scratched my head, "Is Kyungsoo back from Busan yet?"

"He's back yesterday but he went over to his parents' house."

…I thanked Kyungsoo in my heart, what an observant boy.

Then Tae Shin turned to Baekhyun, "Baekhyun, follow me."

"Huh? Where are we going?"

"Didn't you see my text?" Tae Shin Hyung frowned, "Seriously, I called you yesterday but you didn't pick up, and now you're telling me you've not even read my text?"

"Ah, my phone was flat…" He smiled apologetically.

"You really – " Tae Shin Hyung wanted to chide him, "Nevermind, since you should be done resting by now, you're following me to the company today. Remember the OST thing I told you last time? It's about that. We might need you to finish the recording today."

"Huh? Right now?" I could tell that Baekhyun did not expect this.

I helped him, "Can't he record another day?"

"Why another day?" Tae Shin Hyung looked at us with a puzzled expression, in the end his gaze landed on Byun Baek Hyun.

"You don't feel well again?"

"No, no, I'll go get ready right now."

"Alright, I'll be waiting in the car," Tae Shin Hyung said before leaving.

When I was done washing up, Baekhyun was already dressed and ready to leave.

"…Are you really fine?" I asked him softly as I watched him.

Realising what I was trying to ask, his cheeks instantly flushed.

"Yeah, f-fine."

I found his reaction amusing. I pulled him into a hug and lowered my head to kiss him softly.

His response was still a little edgy and tense.

It was as if I had found a "How to handle Byun Baekhyun" manual. I instantly realised that his reactions to my gentle treatment as compared to my aggression made me a lot more satisfied and feel much better.

"I'm leaving," He gently pushed me away with his eyes lowered.

I nodded, staring at his moist lips.

"Do a good job, I'm going to be starring in that drama after all."

He smiled, "Alright."

While I was at the film set that evening, I received a call from Luhan Hyung.

"So did you eat the cake," He asked slowly.

"Yeah…Some of it."

"I thought you'd play around and end up smashing it," He said with a small laugh.

"When are you coming back?" His words and tone made me feel a little uncomfortable, I tried to change the topic.

"We're at the airport, our flight's soon – what the fuck Oh Sehun, sit properly! There are cameras!"

Luhan Hyung's chiding popped up out of nowhere, then I heard Sehun ask "Is that Chanyeol Hyung on the other end?". Afterwards, it was him on the phone with me instead.

"Yah, Hyung," He shot me the question, "You went to watch a musical with Baekhyun Hyung?"

I looked at the phone strangely, "Wait what…how did you know?"

"There were pictures by fans. Hyung don't you ever surf the internet?"

\- Don't you ever surf the internet.

Those words sounded familiar, as if I've heard them somewhere before.

The image suddenly appeared. It was Hayeon in the middle of filming an emotional scene.

When the director shouted 'action', her tear immediately flowed down. Alongside the impactful script, the whole scene seemed so real and raw.

"I did those things, it was all for you…" Hayeon cried towards the camera.

I watched her, a little stunned.

On May Sixth, I hurriedly left the theatre with my phone in hand, got in a cab and arrived at a rather plain looking café.

At the corner of the place sat Hayeon, she was silent yet with tears streaming down her face.

"What happened?" I looked around to make sure there were no others and sat down opposite her.

She tried to force a smile yet more tears started to pour out.

"I…was supposed to film a crying scene today, and…and…no matter what the tears just wouldn't come out."

I gently stroked her back, "And you were scolded by the director?"  
She nodded.

"He was so fucking horrible…he doesn't even care how I would feel, s-scolding me in front of all those people."

"Let's not be upset anymore, okay? We're bound to experience these things," I tried to comfort her.

She burst out crying again, sniffling and coughing as she said, "Now I know…know how difficult it was for you…were, were you always scolded like that too?"

I smiled at her and teased her, "Yeah, but I didn't cry as much as you do."

"Shut up, you're annoying me," She said, lips forming a purse, looking as if she could start crying anytime.

"Don't cry anymore," I reached out to pinch her nose but she had avoided it swiftly.

"Don't touch it, I've just got fillers for them the other day…"

I paused for a second, "You're already so pretty, you didn't have to."

She shot me a glance, "But you couldn't tell the procedure."

"Because there wasn't a noticeable change."

She didn't speak for quite a while, only speaking after she's dried her tears.

"What have you up too these days, when you aren't shooting."

"Uh…I go to the company to practice."

"Before you started the shooting too?"

"Huh?"

"During then, you couldn't meet be because you were always busy, was it because of practice too?"

Was she referring to when…Baekhyun was hospitalised?

"Uh…yeah." I answered, feeling a little guilty.

She suddenly smiled, "Oppa don't you ever surf the internet?"

"…" I didn't understand what she meant.

"Nothing." She shook her head before turning to face me again.

"From now on I'll work hard, Oppa."

"That's great attitude," I stroked her hair with a smile.

"I tried so hard to debut, was because I wanted to stand next to you; I wanted to become prettier, more outstanding, all because of you."

I watched her expression. I was touched, yet somehow I felt guilty.

"That's why, Oppa, you can't let me down," She was trying to sound cute yet I could sense the seriousness in her expression.

"I won't." I answered instinctively, yet I felt my heart become heavier.

You see, there are so many eyes all around us, our stories would always be presented to the world through the lenses of other people.

Both of you, I want to hide away from the world.

It is difficult for me now to balance.


	20. 25 26 27

25 [Byun Baek Hyun] Foreboding

I've met Wu Yifan a couple of times again and somehow learnt that he was the one who told had Chanyeol about my conditions.

I could not stop thinking about how even if the sudden change in his attitude towards me was just because his pity, I'd still be unable to pull myself away. Just the thought of him hating me a little less was enough to make me happy.

It was the first time I knew, that the tangling of bodies in bed could be … pleasurable and painless.

It was the first time I knew, that I could be treated gently by you, that I would even be able to hug you tight in the act.

\- "I quite like you."

I'd probably remember those words for the rest of my life.

Just as his kisses and his eyes on me.

His smiling eyes and the soft curve of his lips.

He said to me the word: like.

Thank you.

…Do I seem silly? But you were slowly responding bit by bit to my love for you. For this, I'm grateful.

Park Chanyeol's drama was having a press conference. As one of the OST singers, I too, received an invitation to the press conference for the drama.

The OST was not yet complete, but the demo of the song received a good response from the producer and directors.

Even Chanyeol complimented me, saying "It was pretty good."

"…You heard it?"

"Yeah."

I smiled, "Thank you."

His drama had received tons of attention even before the airing of it's first episode, thus the press conference was filled with the media companies and fans. I was simply the singer of one of the OSTs, it was not a major role but I somehow still got to attend the event along with the male lead.

As we drove to the venue, I watched Park Chanyeol nod his head along with one of those Hip Hops songs he always listened too.

I figured out that he must be in a good mood. His drama was finally broadcasting and now he could get some rest.

"I see that your drama is doing well already even before the broadcast," Jong Woo commented as he drove, "Tae Shin Hyung said that if this drama did well, we'd be looking for new scripts for you."

I was about to get happy for Chanyeol but he looked unimpressed.

"I don't like filming, can't I just go back to rapping."

"You're seriously…"

"Quickly find me some music-related job, I need to balance out."

"…Balance out?"

"I don't mind being featured. How come Kyungsoo's album had no rap parts in any of the songs? I could help." Chanyeol was whining.

As I sat behind them, I couldn't help but want to laugh.

Back then, Park Chanyeol used to never speak around me, yet now he could talk freely and easily even with my existence. The dark and shadowy Chanyeol was gone and the pleasant atmosphere was so beautiful that it felt surreal.

I was thinking about all that has happened recently yet he suddenly turned around, looking at me with those deep and alluring eyes.

"Don't you think so?"

His words pulled me out of my thoughts.

"Huh?"

"I'm asking you, don't you think that the Rap is always the soul to a song?" He asked with much seriousness, almost making it hard to disagree.

I smiled awkwardly, "Uh…yeah."

"See!" He turned around proudly to Jong Woo as if continuing a previous debate that they were having, even though Jong Woo was now ignoring him.

"Alright," When we were arriving Jong Woo had alerted us, and added, "Remember during the interviews with the press, all questions unrelated to work will be declined."

I nodded, while Chanyeol looked down, motionless.

I could tell what Jong Woo was referring to.

'Popular boy-group member in drama project along with ex-girlfriend rookie actress.' This rumour had been circulating for some time and thus one of the reasons why this drama is so talked about. Except Chanyeol never talked to us about it, and I almost forgot that in a while's time I'd be meeting Lee Hayeon.

But thankfully, Wu Yifan as one of the investors had told me that he would not be attending the event due to other commitments. That's one less thing to worry about.

I could only smile bitterly. Seems as though our industry was never so big after all. One project after another, somehow those with the complicated relationships could still end up working together. Like us.

I entered the venue with Park Chanyeol beside me. The flashings of cameras felt foreign to me suddenly due to my hiatus. I tilted my head to look beside me, the person beside me was smiling calmly as he waved towards the cameras. The playful Chanyeol rapping as we rode the car was now transformed into charming man who exuded confidence and pomp.

Somehow, a feeling of proudness bubbled in my heart.

My beloved Chanyeol, no matter how you are, you dazzle.

After we entered the holding hall, Chanyeol along with the other leads sat in centre of the first row while I sat with the production team behind them. They all seemed like remarkable people. Beside Chanyeol was the female lead in a fiery red gown and next to her was the supporting male lead, a rookie actor who had recently gained fame from his previous drama.

While Hayeon sat the furthest away from Chanyeol with those two people in between them.  
The event had started with the main producers, talking about directing to the scripts. While my only interest in the event was Park Chanyeol, I secretly observed every movement of his.

When he heard of the interesting, he'd let out a wide grin and he'd also nod or clap in agreement occasionally. Elegant and polite he was.

Park Chanyeol and Lee Hayeon had no interaction with each other throughout the whole event. Even until the last segment, where the cast received questions from the reporters, the two stood far apart. I was somehow pulled to the side of the front row and handed a few microphones with the broadcasting stations' logos on them.

The questions commenced. It was the typical questions, 'How do you feel working with your co-star', 'what are your hopes for the broadcast ratings' etc. As expected, questions were asked about Chanyeol and Hayeon's rumours yet they were all avoided with not much trouble. Everything was going smooth.

Just when I thought it'd go on that way, a question was suddenly hurled at me.

"Can Byun Baekhyun answer this question? We heard that you've been resting all this while because of health problems. You're returning work is the OST for the drama, can I know what are your thoughts?"

"Uh," I was slightly taken aback by the abruptness of the question, "being able to be a part of this drama by contributing to the OST makes me very glad. The members helped me out a lot. And uh…please do support the drama as well as the song."

"One more question!" Another reporter carried on immediately afterwards, "Is it true that you are on good private terms with one of the sponsors of this drama, Mr Wu Yifan?"

I paused, shocked to hear Wu Yifan's name in the question.

"The paparazzi has caught the two of you out and about various times, we would like to know your response."

"Also this time, did you get to sing the OST through the help of Wu Yifan, milking off your close relationship?"

"Are you aware of these rumours of your relationship with Mr Wu?"

My thoughts were jumbled up as I was reminded of those 'deals' I had had with Wu Yifan.

Facing the sea of flashing lights and microphones, my heart dropped, it almost felt as it all those reporters were aware of all the dirty between us.

And most importantly, Chanyeol he…

I instinctively turned my head to see Chanyeol standing there stilly with a microphone in his hand. He appeared calm, yet detached.

"I am very sorry…but unrelated questions are declined." I had to arrange my emotions and pretend to be calm.

"But could you at least answer if you got the OST opportunity through the help of Wu Yifan!"

I opened my mouth, but I did not know what to say.

"This was all arranged by the company," Chanyeol suddenly spoke, "Please pay attention to the drama itself instead of these alleged rumours. Thank you."

He was still calm, not sparing one glance at me.

I was excused from the stage and returned to the dressing room.

My stomach contracted vigorously.

I placed my hand over it.

— Are you connected to my heart? How come you always match my emotions?

"I told them to find a few internal reporters to ask a few questions and write some minutes, but they insisted on the open questioning!" Jong Woo raged, "All the bullshit they ask! Hey, Baekhyun, are you alright?"

I nodded. Barely able to hear my own words, I asked, "…Do you have any warm water…"

Jong Woo realised the situation, "I'll get it right for you!"

Once he left, I tried to rub my stomach to ease the pain as I sat down on a sofa.

Soon after I heard the door open.

I thought it was Jong Woo with the warm water, but it was Park Chanyeol.

He was expressionless. With a turn of his hands, he had locked the door.

I stood up, looking at him anxiously.

"Hey, Byun Baekhyun."

"…Chanyeol."

"You've still been meeting with Wu Yifan?" He asked me with a frown.

"…Not often."

"You've met him, even after you left the hospital."

"….Yeah."

He suddenly came up towards me.

"Then why, didn't you tell me."

"I…"

"Was it!" He grabbed my shoulders, eyes turning cold and a little scary, "Was it when you told me you were out to see a friend, you met him!"

He took my silence as affirmation.

"Why did you lie to me?!"

Because I'd get scolded for the truth. I know I am at fault, I shouldn't have lied to you.  
But please.  
Please.  
Please.  
Please.

Please don't look at me like that. Please don't let me see the same old Chanyeol.

"…Chanyeol, please don't misunderstand, we just met up as friends…" I tried hard to explain.

Because of the urgency and the anxiety, my stomach felt like it was going to kill me.

"Friend?" He laughed dryly, "Well, I didn't know friends fucked each other!"

I did not know how to respond.

He seemed to be compressing his anger. His beautiful eyes no longer held a smile, but the same old menace.

"I am just so…fucking disappointed with you."

At last, he gripped my shoulders with large force and let go.

Then he turned and left, not sparing one glance to look back.

I fell back onto the sofa.

Disappointed, with you.

He said.

The pain lasted.

Even after two days, there were no exchange of words between us.

I felt extremely guilty, but I had no idea how to speak to him, afraid that any wrong word spoken might cause him more anger.

Moreover, he didn't want to see me, we barely come across each other at all in the day.

Even if we were together in the same location for whatever reason, he would never look at me.

Just when he stepped back and started to change, just when he started to spare me a little happiness and hope, I had pushed him away with my mistake.

I really fucking hate myself.

At a time like this, I got a phone call from Wu Yifan.

It was another afternoon with myself alone in the dorm. It made me anxious when I saw his name light up on my handphone screen.

I didn't want to pick up.

But maybe it was time I cut him off.

"Hello?"

"Hello. I've heard about it," He said yet he did not sound concerned at all, "You're worried right?"

I frowned, "From those articles they published, of course I'd be worried." The pictures taken from the past all surfaced with the articles, as if the questions took any response as confirmation.

After seeing various reports, one of the reporter's questions suddenly made sense: 'Are you aware of the various past rumours of Mr Wu Yifan?'

I found out the dirty of Wu Yifan's private life, there were past reports on his complicated relationship with men.

I cleared my throat, uncomfortable, "I'm not like you, boss of whatever you do. I'm a controlled puppet under someone else, I'm also a public figure, so yeah I'd be worried –"

"I'm worried too. My company stocks has been falling due to my image," Despite his words, his tone sounded light-hearted, "I bet what you're worried about is Park Chanyeol isn't it."

"I bet you're afraid he'll misunderstand."

"No…" Having my feeling revealed instantly made me feel deflated. I had to deny too.

"Oh yeah, there's a dinner event tonight, do you want to join me?"

"Hey," I called out in unhappiness, "Given the current situation, shouldn't we be more careful with our interactions?"

"I see you've became more courageous, talking to me like that," I could hear him smile,

"Alright then, don't come, Lee Hayeon will be there anyway, won't give you a reason to blame me for having to meet her."

I paused when I heard her name, "I warn you, don't do anything to –"

"I know I know," He was getting impatient, "How many times have you warned me, but I'm no longer interested in that girl."

"About us," He was finally serious, "I will think of something and discuss with you then. Don't worry."

"Alright," I looked down. Wu Yifan was a little rude and unreasonable, yet he'd always help me when I needed it, making me almost guilty for disliking him.

"Thank you." He said.

"You're welcome," I said before hanging up.

I threw my phone to the side and lay down on the bed, spacing off.

Just when things were getting better.

Maybe I was born with rotten luck.

My brain took no rest as thoughts continued to pop up in it, it was only then when I remembered of the check up I was supposed to have at the hospital tomorrow.

I gazed at the ceiling emptily, hand placing itself somewhere below my rib.

Please let everything get better.

26 – [Byun Baek Hyun] Leave me out with the waste

I jolt awake, upon a message alert.

How did I end up asleep? I looked at the watch on my wrists, it was already eight. I ruffled my hair and reached to check my phone.

 _Meet me at HS Street No. 49, gotta discuss something with you. Come fast_ _  
_ _\- Wu Yi Fan_

I squinted my eyes, rereading the message a couple of times.

Wasn't he supposed to be at a business dinner? Why would he want to meet me all of a sudden?

I didn't want to go. Then I remembered he had told me he'd discuss with me once he thought of a solution. And so I had to go.

I got into a taxi and headed towards the location.

"Which shop exactly are we heading to?" The driver asked me.

"Number 49…" I checked the message, and looked out of the window again. Looking at the rows of shops, it looked like it would around here.

"Nevermind Sir, you can drop me off here."

I got off.

I've never been here before. I didn't even know such a street existed in Seoul. The place was rather deserted with little pedestrians, yet it was lit with obvious yet old-fashioned looking neon signboards, like a half-old lady with her make up thick of powder and rouge.

I couldn't understand why Wu Yifan would choose a place like this.

I observed the row of shops. There were none after the number in the 30s, yet there was a dark and narrow alley.

Why was there a place like this? Without much of a thought given, I braved into it.

The alley was like a crack in the city, surrounding it was a flurry of bright-lit vintage looking street lamps, but it was total darkness here.

I had thought that maybe if I crossed the alley I'd get to the shops with their number 40s as I continued forward. Then I saw a black sedan.

I paid no attention to the vehicle and continued forward. Just as I walked past the vehicle, it's door swung open. Out came 4 or 5 men. Before I could react, I was surrounded by them.

I panicked. I immediately hid it and cautiously, I asked, "Who are you?"

"You came pretty early huh." One of the men spoke in a deep voice. He grabbed my arm.

"What are you doing? Let me go!" I struggled.

From the corner of my eyes I saw someone with an object in his hands. It looked like a baseball bat. Before I could react, it was coming straight at me.

I felt the immense and heavy pain from the back of my head before losing conscious.

In the darkness of unconsciousness, there was no light, neither were there any stars.

The sudden pain that I was feeling was branching. From my fingertips, slowly to the rest of my body.

It was as if my sleeping cells had come alive, protesting and wreaking havoc with my bloodstream.

This was a nightmare.

But, reality was the real torture.

When my opened my eyes, my vision was fogged.

My brain was blank and I could not recall what had happened. I squinted my eyes, trying to take in my surroundings.

But there were men surrounding me. They were looking down at me from above.

As I lay on a foreign bed.

I looked to the place where I felt pain, it was my hand, drooping over the edge of the bed.

There was a cut and blood was dripping out of it. Drop by drop.

I wanted to lift my hand to observe the injury, yet I had no energy to do so.

…What is going on?...

"Sorry, we wanted to maintain your appearance for later on so we didn't splash cold water on you to wake you up. We didn't want to hurt you either." One of the men said.

My head pulsated with the pain as the memory of the alley came back to me.

"Who…who… are you?..." And where am I? Why don't I have any energy to move at all? Why is it that I can barely speak?

"Lets start." One of the men said. Suddenly, two of them approached me and started to rip my clothes off.

"…What…what are you doing?" I wanted to avoid them, but I had no energy to move, at all.  
What the fuck is going on?

I couldn't think, and the man in front of me took out a camera.

Oh fuck no…

"No…no…p-p-please don't do this…"

Do anything to me, but please don't take the pictures, please …I can't have such pictures…I –

The hands were still working on my bare body, ignoring all my pleas.

As soon as all my clothes were off, the camera flashed a few times.

Afterwards, one of them unbuckled his belt and climbed on top of me.

What happened afterwards…I don't want to remember for the rest of my life.

All I could remember was pain. Pure pain. It was more excruciating than anything I have ever experienced.

I wanted to vomit as they stuffed their parts down my throat and I felt absolutely disgusted as they put their hands all over me.

There was also the camera flash.

I was at my breaking point. And nothing but tears came, and it was immediately wiped off roughly but one of their hands.

I wanted to scream, but all that came out of me was the gasps and groans of pain. I felt so dirty.

Why am I still alive.

I lost track of time as they continued on. I had no idea how long they had went on until they stopped.

I was barely conscious and all the pain seemed to have dulled my nerves.

"This is a message from someone: " One of the men said before they left, his hand gripping my chin, "'this was a present to satisfy you, don't go around again seducing men.'"

What does that mean?...I don't understand…

"…P-please…the pictures…I beg you, please don't…"I plead him again as I tried to pull on the hem of his shirt.

He only let out a cold laugh and swiped my hand away before leaving with the rest of the gang.

All of a sudden, I was the only one left in the dark room.

I felt my body slowly gaining energy again, yet it was still just a little. I pulled my shirt over to cover my body. Then I dragged myself out of bed, but the moment my feet touched the floor, my feet gave out and I fell to the floor.

The pain from my behind made me see black. And so I sat there on the floor for a while.

I noticed my phone some distance away, beside it lay an empty needle syringe, I finally realised why I was completely without energy just now.

I grit my teeth and crawled with much effort over to my phone. When I switched it on, there were over ten missed calls.

It was all from Park Chanyeol.

The next immediate second, my phone vibrated. His name was displayed on my phone screen again.

Chanyeol was calling again.

I panicked, not knowing what to do. After a while of hesitation, I answered the call.

"Hello…"

"Hey Byun Baekhyun! Why didn't you answer my phonecalls?" He shouted once I picked up.

The moment I heard his voice, I started to choke up.

"…Sorry, I didn't hear them." I tried my best to cover up my shaking voice.

Nothing came from his side, it seemed like he was trying to calm himself down as I heard loud breathing.

"Are you going to keep on ignoring me?" He finally spoke.

"No…I…"

"I admit, I was too harsh with my words." He tried to explain.

"N-No…I was wrong…" My tears fell and I immediately wiped them away.

"…Hey, are you crying?" He seemed to be able to tell from my voice.

"No…" I was desperately trying to hide my emotions.

"Don't cry…Sigh,"

"I really am not," I said before clearing my throat, yet the more he was talking to me, the more I could not stop myself from crying.

"Where are you?" He asked, "I'll come find you."

"Don't…" I panicked, "I'm – I'm at my parents' place."

"Why did you suddenly go back? You aren't lying to me right?"

"…No."

Why was he trying to console this horrible liar?

Sorry, Chanyeol. I'm so sorry for lying to you again.

Also, I really wish you were by my side right now.

I feel cold. The floor is cold. And I can't stand up.

Chanyeol, I miss you so fucking much. But I can't let you see this Byun Baekhyun.

His deep voice came from the phone again, "Don't lie to me again, do you hear me?"  
I nodded to myself.

"Also, come back soon."

"…Got it…" My voice was shaking and my tears were falling again.

"Don't cry, really –"

I couldn't control my tears anymore and so I forced myself to end the call. Pulling my knees up to my face, I sat there as more tears came.

In my heart was darkness of despair and panic more than the night. And Chanyeol's awkward consolations made me feel even worse.

My phone was still vibrating in my hand, some were text alerts that just kept coming.

I forced myself to ignore it. I had to regain my composure.

After resting for a while, I stood up slowly with the help of a nearby cabinet. I looked around the room, it just seemed like some motel.

Supporting myself with the furniture, I made my way to the bathroom.

No matter how many times I washed myself, I still felt so disgusting.

I looked at the marks they left on my body as my brain replayed the moments from just now.  
It was too fucking disgusting.

So disgusting that I really did threw up. My stomach wrenched, bringing pain to my abdomen.

I must look absolutely shagged.

What do I do.

So what do I do now?

Is it when the sun rises, those dirty pictures of me will be all over the internet?

Is it when the next day comes, everyone will start to look at me with disgust and disbelief?

Is it that, Chanyeol will start hating me again…

What do I do.

I stumbled out of the bathroom into the death house and saw my phone lying on the ground.

The light from the screen stood out awkwardly and blaringly in its dark surroundings.

It was Chanyeol's phonecalls and his continuous messages.

 _Hey! How dare you hang up on me!_  
 _Pick up! I need to talk to you!_  
 _Byun Baekhyun, pick up._  
 _Pick up my call, now._  
 _Seriously…you jerk. Why aren't you picking up? Is your phone out of battery? I'll tell you via text then._  
 _I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Goodnight._

I felt my eyes moisten. I felt so shameful and weak.

Tilting my head and holding my tears back, I tried to arrange my emotions. I couldn't go back now looking like this. Maybe tomorrow.

I stood by the bed, not knowing what to do. I could not lie down and fall asleep. I shifted to the chair and sat down slowly, but the pain sent shivers down my spine.

I finally supported myself with the table. Whenever I closed my eyes, the horrifying image would come back again to grab me with its hands.

Somehow, I made it through the night.

…Was the sky brightening?

But my life could no longer.

27 – [Park Chanyeol] Lies

Byun Baekhyun was behaving weirdly ever since he came back from his parents'.

It was only the two days after I've last called him when he finally returned to our dorm.  
"You're back."

I was watching television in the living room, and said that while trying not to look like I cared much.

"Yeah." He replied in a small voice as he walked past me with his head down into our shared bedroom.

Why was still trying to ignore me?

I did apologise yesterday.

"Hey…" I wanted to call him back to the living room, but Oh Sehun had to jump in at this time.

"Baekhyun-Hyung, there's a letter for you."

Baekhyun who was looking weary the whole time was immediately alerted, his head jolted up to look at Sehun. Almost as if a snatch, he took the envelope from Sehun's hands.

"…You…you didn't look at its contents right?"

Something was feeling off to me.

"…Uh haha, I did look in it," Sehun scratched his head and smiled sheepishly.

Hearing this, Baekhyun's expression turned stale.

"I-Its just a letter from a fan, it was in my pile of letters. I thought it was for me so I opened it up – sorry, Hyung."

"…Oh…it's okay." I could see the relief on Baekhyun's face. His hands drooped to his sides as he walked towards our bedroom.

"Hyung—" Oh Sehun still wanted to say something else to him, so he put his hand out to tap on Baekhyun's shoulder

The moment he tapped on Baekhyun, Baekhyun fell to the floor.

I froze, then rushed up to him and pushed Oh Sehun aside.

"What are you doing!" I shouted at him before picking the collapsed man off the ground.

Sehun was evidently afraid, he looked like he was about to cry. "I-I-I didn't do anything wrong!" He said as he carried Baekhyun with me into the bedroom.

Looking at Baekhyun weak and pale, I was feeling extreme pained.

I covered him with a blanket and placed my hand on his forehead.

"He's having a fever." Why was he sick? Wasn't he at his parents'?

"I-I-I- I'll go get the fever medicine!" I could tell Oh Sehun felt guilty. He went to get water and medicine.

I helped Baekhyun up to lean against my chest and put the medicine and water into his mouth. However, he could not swallow anything for all the water dripped out from the sides of his lips.

I helped him wipe the water away immediately and Oh Sehun just stood there, watching us.

"I don't think Baekhyun-Hyung can swallow the medicine." He reminded me carefully.

I threw him a glance, not bothering to respond to his words.

"He'll eat it later then," I put the medicine and water away. "Also, I don't know if he had food, he might get gastric pains again eating medicine on an empty stomach."

"Oh," Sehun nodded.

I slowly lowered the man in my arms back into his lying position. I was trying to be as gentle as I could since I did not know at all how to take care of someone sick.

It was then when I noticed something strange about his body.

On the ivory skin of his neck was a few faint pink-red marks.

I was clearer than anyone what it was.

As if someone had just thrown a pail of water on me, I felt drenched from to toe.

"Sehun, get out," I commanded.

Oh Sehun did not get my mood, "Hyung you are going to 'personally' feed Baekhyun-Hyung the medicine right?"

I was in no mood to joke around with him.

"Get out!" I shouted.

"Ok-ok." He seemed to be frightened by my sudden outburst, wasting no time to leave the bedroom, closing the door behind him.

I had no idea what I was feeling, I only knew that my hands were shaking as I reached them towards him.

I slowly took the collar of his shirt into my hand and pulled it down.

Near his chest, there were another two of those marks.

Something went bang in my brain. I felt like the last nerve I was holding onto was about to break.

His voice from last night appeared in my brain.

— Where are you? I'll go find you.  
— Don't…I'm-I'm at my parents' place.  
— Why did you suddenly go back? You aren't lying to me right?  
— …No.

It was as if Byun Baekhyun in his state of unconsciousness felt something wrong, he frowned a little.

I thought you liked me.

Byun Baekhyun, I thought you liked me very very much.

Then why are you still mixing around with those other men?

Or was he Wu YiFan?

Was he a hundred times more gentle?

Or was he just as horrible, he let you return with a fever.

…ha. Fuck. The thought was driving me crazy. I wanted to kill that bastard.

And you too you rotten bastard. You lied to me again.

Do you even know? That I'm losing my sanity.

Because you, appearing in front me with marks of love from someone else is really driving me insane.

I didn't know how I ended up asleep by his bed, but I was jolted awake by a tiny movement from the person next to me.

I rubbed my eyes, judging from how the room was already dark, it was night time.

I saw him by the bed, holding the cup of water from the bedside table, and I also realised that a new piece of clothing was draped across my back.

"Go and sleep on the bed, you'll catch a cold." He looked at me as he spoke in his coarse and small voice.

"…No. What are you doing."

"I was about to get some hot water."

I said nothing and followed behind him into the kitchen.

He waddled a bit as he walked, and when he was about to lift the kettle, his slim wrist looked like it'd unable to.

"How was they stay at your parents?" I asked him softly.

He stopped drinking and lowered his eyes, avoiding any eye contact with me.

"Yeah…pretty good."

I nodded, "Great."

He did not continue the small talk and rinsed his cup instead. I walked up to him and hugged him from behind. I could feel his body freeze for a second.

Byun Baekhyun smelt good. So was it this same scent that drew those other men in? I lowered my head and nuzzled my nose against his neck, my hands roaming across his waist.  
I am so in love with his body.

I put my lips next to his ears, and whispered, "Let's do it."

He didn't dare to move in my embrace, and upon hearing those words, I could sense him panic.

"I…I don't feel well enough for it." He said in a small voice.

"I don't care," I said before leaning in to plant kisses on his neck.

But I was immediately pushed away. Thrown off guard, I backed away a few steps.  
His eyes were filled with panic and I was in disbelief.

What the hell was that? Was he declining me?

"Another day, please…I don't want it today."

"Was it too tiring yesterday then?" I asked him expressionlessly. I thought about how he hung up my phone call yesterday and how I even sent him a 'sorry' text.

I felt like a fool.

So when your voice shook it wasn't because you were crying huh.

Out of anger, I grabbed his wrist and dragged him into the bathroom.

"Don't make a sound," I warned him, "there are others still in this house."

He staggered his way into the bathroom, and out of obedience, he followed my instruction.

But what gave him away was his panicky and erratic breathing.

I locked the bathroom door and turned the shower head on, covering the sound that would be made soon.

I stripped him of his clothes and took him into my embrace, then I lowered my head to engage him in a kiss. It was mad lust.

His body temperature was still high from the fever and his lips were cracked and I knew he had no energy to push me away as he leaned limply against me.

I let go of his lips and started to unbuckle my belt but that was when I heard him speak in a quiet voice.

"Chanyeol…I-I'm cold." He was leaning naked against the cold bathroom wall while water droplets from his hair dripped down onto his face.

"Can you cover me with a shirt at least…" He plead between chattering teeth.

I watched him as my agitated heart calmed down.

Did he go get water to try to keep himself warm? After giving me his jacket?

— He wouldn't let me feel cold.

He always took care of me secretly, behind my sight. He's also here right now about to be put through pain. I knew he loved me.

What about me?

What the hell was I doing? The man's sick!

I snapped out of my thoughts and rushed to pick up his shirt that was thrown onto the floor, except it was already wet.

I took off my half-dry shirt and put it on him, and lifted his pants back up for him to wear it.  
He was still shivering as he watched me with confusion.

Ignoring him, I grabbed a towel and dried his hair with it, thankfully his hair wasn't soaked.

Afterwards, I pulled him into a hug, my bare chest against him.

"Let's stay like this for a while more."

I wanted to make him feel warmer but he still continued shivering.

"Go back to the room and rest." I let him go.

"…" He watched me, puzzled, "What about you?" He eyed my loin.

"I can manage," I kissed his burning forehead and pushed him out of the bathroom.  
Suddenly, I couldn't bear to cause him harm.

A week later, we had another group schedule for the first time in months.

Kyungsoo was having a mini concert and we were there as guests to perform one of our songs. Everyone was excited, since it's been such a long time.

Except Baekhyun.

After he has recovered, he became much more quiet and I'd notice him gazing into space by himself. I had no clue what he was thinking about. He never left the house, and he ate very little. I even thought he had insomnia —Some days when I woke up in the middle of the night, I'd hear his soft sighs.

Was he alright?

— "Is he alright?"

Luhan Hyung would ask me that too as he eyed me with suspicion.

"I don't know," I frowned, "Don't look at me like that, I don't think it was because of me."

"Did you speak to him about it?"

"Yea, I did. But you know how he is."

When I asked him "What's wrong?" , he'd reply me with "I'm fine". It was like a drill.

Both of us were having the conversation in the car, and when Baekhyun got in, Luhan spoke to him.

"How did it feel like to be under the sun?" Luhan Hyung wanted to tease him, "It's been weeks since you left the house."

Baekhyun only smiled uncomfortably in response.

I looked at him, he was looking down and silent the whole time. It made me uncomfortable.

I want to know what you're thinking.

Your every single thought. Why you're unhappy.

I want to know.

When the car arrived at the venue, the fans were all outside waiting for us.

Upon alighting, we walked as fast as we could into the building.

Its been ages since the fans last saw us as a whole and they were frantic, screaming while their best to get a picture for us. If not for the security, they would have mobbed.

I saw Baekhyun's expression from the corner of my eye. He was stiff. He was probably not used to this.

The moment we stepped onto the stage and saw the fans' cameras, we transformed.

I felt rays of light lit up behind us.

As the fans screamed, I felt a little gasp beside me. Out of some sort of panic, I felt Baekhyun grab my arm.

"What's wrong?" I was a little shaken and turned to look at him and saw sweat dripping from his forehead.

"You don't feel well?" I asked him.

He looked at me and as said the default, "…I'm fine."

— Again.

I felt as if I were being toyed around. What the fuck was I worrying for him like a fool.

"Don't – focus." I frowned and told him.

"I'm sorry," He lowered his head and said softly.

Baekhyun's performance was the first amongst us after Kyungsoo. He only had one song to perform and it was the one he sang for my drama's soundtrack. For his stage there would be a tall chair that Baekhyun would sit on – holding a rose, while the dancers would do a slow and fluid dance. The song was about a pair of lovers about to separate.

The way he looked on stage as he raised his hand to touch his ear piece before lowering his head was beautiful.

I was stunned as I watched from downstage.

He closed his eyes and started to sing.

 _You don't know._ _  
_ _Why I'm laughing yet I cry._ _  
_ _Even if you knew, you wouldn't understand._ _  
_ _Because you're always looking somewhere else._ _  
_ _You can call me, I think I understand_ _  
_ _I hear the wind too_ _  
_ _my heart_ _  
_ _I need you I love you_ _  
_ _I can't say goodbye_ _  
_ _Without my permission._ _  
_ _You come into my heart all day._  
 _I need you I love you_ _  
_ _I can't stop_ _  
_ _The day the ocean waves at dawn stop_ _  
_ _Only then, I'll stop_ _  
_ _you know_  
 _Always alone_ _  
_ _days feel like the approaching night._  
 _In the brief moment when our eyes somehow meet,_ _  
_ _When it pasts_ _  
_ _I get annoyed_ _  
_ _I fall asleep alone._ _  
_ _I need you I love you_ _  
_ _I can't say goodbye_ _  
_ _All my thoughts_ _  
_ _Are directed towards you_  
 _I need you I love you_ _  
_ _I can't change_ _  
_ _The tears in my eyes._ _  
_ _When they change colour_ _  
_ _I'll change my mind._

 _Song: If – Naby (rough translation)_

The song ended and all the staff clapped.

He bowed and looked down the stage to get instructions from the staff.

I walked towards him and gestured him to come towards me. He jogged over and bent down to look at me from the edge of the stage.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

I looked up at him, seeing how the light from the stage form a halo of soft glow around him. His face was soaked in the dreamy glow.

I smiled and reached my hand towards him. He was dazed for a moment, and when he realised, he handed me the rose, looking rather unsure.

"Thank you Baekhyun Oppa ~" I called him that jokingly.

He smiled, eyes forming crescents.

"You look really good when you smile," I raised my hand and hit his head gently with the rose, "remember to be happy."

But my words seemed to have dampened his smile.

"Yea, I know."


	21. 28 29 30

28 – [Byun Baekhyun] Letter & Believe

I grew afraid of interaction with people.

Gazes from people, smiling ones, cold ones, curious ones or surprised ones. No matter what, it felt as if they knew all my secrets. They were taunting me, criticising me, testing me.

But I felt worse alone.

Memories would sweep over me like a wave.

I close my eyes and next to my ears would be the heaving of those men.

And –

The clicking of camera shutters.

The flashes imitated lightning, I shiver every time the memory surfaces.

It was as if I was tossed into a deep ocean.

The strong pressure was crushing me. The undiscovered sea creatures and monsters haunted like ghosts next to me. The seagrass tangled with my feet, tightening and tightening around them, pulling me down. I wanted to scream, I wanted to escape. But I couldn't make a sound, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't swim away.

…I'm losing control.

\- Save me.

That morning - the morning after our first group activity in months, I stared at Sehun as he placed a stack of envelopes on my hand.

"Went to the mailbox, these are yours," He grinned, "I didn't peek at them this time!"

"Thank you." I took them with me into the bedroom, locking the door behind me.

My heart was erratic.

I saw it immediately, amongst the cutesy envelopes of the fan letters, there was a mustard leather package.

My shaking hands let the other letters slip off. Leaving only that one package, I slowly opened it.

Pictures…there were three.

My face wasn't clear in them, but they depicted ghastly images of lewdness and vulgarity.

I felt like throwing up, immediately clamping my hand to my mouth in attempt to stop it.

I flipped it over hurriedly. I didn't want to see it. Even though I was alone in the room, it felt as if there were people staring at me all around.

There was nothing else in the package. No words, no threat.

It made me panic harder.

At least tell me to die, at least tell me a way I can end all of this.

In a split second, I was reminded of Wu Yifan's message that night.

After that, I did not bother to contact him.

I knew, that if he knew, he'd hunt those men down at all costs to get to the bottom of it.

Its hard to imagine what lengths he would go to.

Suddenly I heard a knock from behind. I jumped, after quickly shoving the photos away and arranging my emotions, I went to open it.

Chanyeol walked in, "Why did you lock the door?"

"I – Uh …I wanted to change."

"Just change then, you had to lock the door?"

"…" I did not know what else to say.

"Are you stressed lately because we are coming back?" He looked at me, worried.

"Maybe," I forced a smile.

"You've got to overcome it," He told me seriously.

I nodded. And I watched his tall frame walk towards me, and he pulled me into a gentle hug.  
"These days, you didn't hate them right?"

I was stunned for a moment, not understanding what he was trying to say.

"No…"

"The days that you hate, I've apologised for them, haven't I ?"

"Yea…"

His jaw brushed itself on my hair. I felt the panic in my heart die down.

"I'm trying to treat you good now, but why aren't you happy yet?" He sounded a bit confused, at the same time with a hint of playfulness.

My heart felt so warm, it was melting.

"Thank you," I replied him with a smile. Not noticing the choked up tone in my voice, as if about to cry.

He pulled us apart slightly and lowered his head, putting his lips to mine.

It was a slow, long kiss.

I was sinking into his gentleness, unable to detach myself.

If there was still hope in my world of darkness, it would be Park Chanyeol, his warmth.

Like a lighted matchstick in the middle of a chilling winter snow. The flame was weak, but flickering and jumping, enough to brighten my eyes.

The kiss ended, I did not dare to look at him. I was scared that he'd see my ugly self.  
But he suddenly smiled.

"You're shy?"

"No."

"It's not even the first time…"

"I already said …"

He pinched my cheeks, "Ha, you're so adorable."

No, not at all.

The Byun Baekhyun standing in front of you is not suited for any compliment.

"Oh, Chanyeol," I decided to ask him.

"Yeah?"

"Do you have a schedule tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow?" He thought for a moment, "We're having an outdoor shoot for a magazine, at the beach."

"Oh…" I nodded.

"Anything wrong?" He asked.

"Nothing, just asking," I smiled, turning away at the same time to avoid his eyes.

My gaze was on the nearby calendar.

\- Today's date was June 5th.

I still showed up.

Maybe he'd be reminded of our date somehow.

The next day, with these doubtful, unrealistic thoughts, I arrived at the theatre.

The red poster of La Vie En Rose from last month was replaced with a bright and happy looking one.

It's a comedy today, Chanyeol-ah.

There weren't much people today thankfully, it wasn't the weekends. Everyone was having their fair share of exhaust and restlessness in the afternoon, nobody was interested in the affairs of others.

Its already summer.

I bought a cold drink to counter the heat and sat at the lobby of the theatre.

And I threw occasional glances at the entrance.

Sitting for a while, I felt like such a sissy.

What are you even hoping for? Byun Baekhyun. I smiled bitterly to myself.

He won't come.

He won't remember.

So what are you doing here? Acting in an one-man-show.

Yikes…I should not have drank such a cold drink. I rubbed my sore stomach and struggled to stand up.

Don't be silly. Go back.

When I went to throw the drink, a few girls crowded around me.

"…Baekhyun Oppa?"

I got a shock and turned around to be faced with pairs of excited eyes. But it only brought me panic.

\- Don't look at me. Don't look at me. Don't look at me…

I gave them a hasty smile and tried to leave.

"Baekhyun Oppa! Don't go!" The girls rushed up and grabbed my arm.

…Don't touch me.

Touches from strangers brought me only fear. I relied on my last line of rationality to tell myself that those were my adoring fans, and that I should not panic.

"…Sorry," I tried to move away. But as I reached the exit of the theatre lobby, their pulling and pushing only brought in a bigger crowd of people.

Stop surrounding me…Stop coming near.

The girls screamed, laughed in joy and aimed at me with their phones and cameras.

Click. Click.

The loud voices, the unstoppable shutters, were tormenting me. It was as if the sounds were coming from inside my head.

Whereas in my stomach lived the beast.

Ready to engulf me, torture me and grant me pain and suffering anytime.

It felt like I was decaying on the inside.

From my brain, bit by bit, till there was nothing left but an empty shell.

Am I dying? I thought.

Immediately, a hand reached for me and I was forcefully pulled out of the crowd.

Under the scorching sunlight, he was grabbing my arm as I watched his strong shoulders.  
But my vision was blurring, I could barely see his back.

Chanyeol?

"…Chanyeol?..."

"Get in the car."

I was pushed into the car. And he slammed the door shut, suddenly separating me from the chaos and attention of the world.

Then he got on too, from the other side.

When I regained my clarity of thought, I recognised the person.

It was Wu Yifan.

He threw me a glance as he drove.

"Your gastric acting up again?"

I did not reply.

"Serves you right," He was expressionless, staring at the road in front of him, "I've been trying to contact you all this while, why can't you even answer a call?"

"Too busy." I said softly.

He had an expression that looked like he just swallowed back a curse.

"What is your problem," He was trying to suppress himself.

The traffic was rather congested. We were stopping now and then every few kilometres.

"Thank you for today," I said while looking out of the car window, "Let's not meet again."  
It felt as if he was expecting me to say that.

"Because of Park Chanyeol?" He laughed coldly to himself.

"Because of the rumours," I squeezed my eyes shut, "I'm so sick of them."

"I've got all those bullshit rumours covered, I fucking got all those writers to shut up!" He finally shouted at me. "Find me another bullshit excuse!"

I ignored him, still staring out the window.

My stomach was wrenching, sending me pain.

There was silence, and then my phone rang.

It was really Chanyeol this time.

I picked up.

"Hey where are you?" He sounded impatient.

"I, I'm –"

He didn't give me a chance to reply.

"Sorry, I forgot about today," His tone was apologetic, "I saw some fans say they saw you at the theatre and then I remembered…"

"It's nothing."

"Are you still there? I'm on my way," He said.

"No, no, I'm coming back. Don't you have work? Don't bother." I recalled him talking about a photoshoot outside the city.

"You're going back to our dorm?"

"Yeah, I'm reaching."

"Okay then, goodnight," He told me.

I hung up. The car has already stopped.

It was in a foreign neighbourhood.

"Where are we?" I asked with a frown.

"My house," Wu Yifan replied.

"I need to go back."

"Not now."

I ignored him, taking action myself, I stepped out of the car.

He didn't try to stop me, as if he expected it, that I wouldn't be able to walk away far on my own.

"Stop forcing yourself," He pulled me back, "Let's go up and get you medicine first."

I was sitting on the luxurious sofa in his living room. The pills and warm water that he brought me made me feel much better.

"Thank you," I looked down, holding the cup.

"If I had not been at the theatre with my friend today, how could you have gotten out of that crowd." He sounded relaxed.

"Really, thank you for today. How can I express my gratitude?" I looked up at him, expressionless.

He looked at me in distaste, "What's wrong with you."

I was silent for a while, and then I asked him, "That day, how was the business dinner?"

"…Business dinner?" It's been over a week, he spent some time recalling, "Why are you suddenly asking me this?"

"It's been so long since I last saw Hayeon," I didn't know what I was saying, my heart started beating fast, "Did you meet her that day?"

He nodded, "Yes."

"…Uh, so what did you say?" I licked my cracking lips, looking at him with seriousness.

"I don't remember, some business stuff?" He suddenly smiled, "I'm probably not the guy you want to see, she's got herself a new sponsor."

"What?..."

"You might as well have let her come under me," He smiled, "Would've saved you a lot of trouble."

"What kind of a sponsor does she have now?"

"Pretty powerful guy, wouldn't have known if she had not borrowed my phone to call him."

It was as if red light in my head was hit, bullseye.

My guesses were pretty much confirmed, but my heart became heavier.

"What's the matter?" He looked at me, pale as a sheet.

I shook my head and stood up, "I have to go back now."

He was silent for a moment and stood up, "I'll send you."

That night, I tossed and turned in my bed.

I was having insomnia for days.

Chanyeol returned late and never spoked a word about the day's events. Maybe he was too tired, he went straight to bed.

I turned to my side again, facing him who was sleeping on his bed. In the darkness, I could barely see his features, but I saw the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed slowly and steadily.

Sweet dreams, Chanyeol-ah.

For how long more, can I be here to watch you in your slumber.

When all my dirt and filth are exposed, are you going to turn away?

Good night, Chanyeol-ah.

And for every night from now – Goodnight.

One morning, I was in the bedroom.

A crisp knock came from the door.

I turned around to see Sehun near the door, a stack of envelopes in his hand.

"More letters?"

"Where is Chanyeol-Hyung?" He asked with a weird expression.

"He left early for a schedule."

Sehun nodded and entered the room, closing the door behind him. He was leaning against it as he handed me the letters.

"Thank you," I looked at the envelopes, they were in all colours.

"And…Hyung…" He sounded hesitant.

"Yeah?"

"Hyung…this, what's this…?" He gazed at me, and tooked out another envelope. He shakily retrieved its contents and showed them to me.

Pictures.

My pictures.

Something cracked in my head, there was thunder and storm. I was frozen, rigid all over, I couldn't even breathe.

"Why…did you look…at my l-letter…" I struggled to speak the words.

"No," He was wronged, he looked shock as I, "These…were originally sent to me…" He took out the leather envelope, it was written on the surface – to: Oh Sehun.

"Baekhyun-Hyung…what's going on…"

I couldn't think, my hands and feet were cold as ice, and my vision kept going dark.

"Hyung…" He reached out to touch me.

"Don't touch me!" I screamed like I was mad. I wanted to dash out of the house and escape but I could only lean my limp body on the wall, sliding down it only to pool on the floor.

"Ok, ok – I'm not touching you…not touching you…" Sehun got a shock. But I could barely hear him.

Finally, the world stopped spinning, I got a hold of myself.

"Sehun, do you believe me."

I heard my own voice, but I could barely recognise it as mine.

"Yes," He nodded. Even though he noticed me calm down, he did not dare to come close. Instead, he sat down opposite me on the floor.

"I'll tell you a story." I smiled lifelessly.

Even though I was a lifeless shell, I was still about to be picked apart. After the pain, was not the beautiful metamorphosis, but the ugly reveal.

\- I'm about to be forgotten in the deep sea.

\- No more sunlight in front of me.

29 [Byun Baekhyun]

Completely disintegrated by the waves.

\- But there seems to be a way to stop it.

If life becomes too hard, if there's no way to end my troubles, if I wanted to live in eternal peace…

Well, there is a way.

I let my thoughts carry itself away, staring emptily at the knife I was holding in my hands.

"Baekhyun!" There was an urgent shout from behind and I turned around.

Luhan Hyung rushed to me and snatched the knife out of my hands. Looking at me with concern, he chided, "What are you doing!"

"I…wanted to peel the apple," It was as if I fell into a daydream for a moment just now. I looked at the apple on my other hand, only then was I reminded of the reason I was holding the knife.

"Y-your mental health doesn't seem too good…uh, lets…uh, how about I go to the hospital with you?" He carefully suggested.

I avoided his eyes and smiled lifelessly.

"No need."

He knew.

When I told Sehun, I had already guessed that he'd let Luhan know, even though I told him to keep it a secret.

I looked at Luhan Hyung, trying to act as if he didn't know and being all worried, I felt thankful. But more so, sorry.

I don't blame Sehun. For a naive boy like him to listen to such a gruesome story, he probably felt as lost as I.

Then, while I was facing Sehun, I thought that I would fail to speak, that I would break down and end my story in tears. But there was none of that, I calmly told the whole story; as if I was telling the story of another person, and I was just a third party.

I was even peeling off my protective shell and letting the gory and the pain come to me, but I somehow managed to tell the story with all stillness.

Maybe I've gone crazy.

And Sehun was watching me then, frozen.

"…And that was what happened."

"H-How could this be?" He was anxious and panicked at the same time, "Hyung, do you know who did it? Did you get on anyone's bad side?"

I shook my head. I never told Sehun any of the parts of the story that would cause unnecessary trouble.

"Sehun, please help me," I forced a smile, trying to look less pitiful, "If…If you ever see such a letter posted to Chanyeol, please don't give it to him."

"Anybody else knows about this?..." He asked me.

I shook my head.

"Ok, I got it."

Sehun-ah. Our youngest. He's such a kind child.

Once he was on Chanyeol's side, going against me, but now while I was in trouble, he could still stand by me, trusting in me.

I'm satisfied.

This world has given me enough warmth, way more than I deserve. I just don't have the luck to take it.

My incident with the knife seemed to have planted a deep fear in Luhan Hyung's heart. After constantly nagging at me about going to the hospital, I finally agreed.

"There's nothing wrong with visiting a psychiatrist once in a while, I do that too sometimes…" Luhan Hyung told me as he got me into the car. He even asked his friend to drive us, not letting other's know about my visit to the hospital.

Seeing that I did not reply, he coughed awkwardly.

— Thank you, but sorry. Right now to anyone who has known about my incident, I don't know what expression or tone to give.

We had a nearly silent journey. When we stopped at the last red light, I opened my mouth, "Luhan Hyung."

"Yeah?"

He was entirely focused, waiting for me to speak, "Yes, what?"

"Sehun…He told you everything right?"

I didn't look at him, even after so long just that simple question made the atmosphere unsettling and scary.

It felt as if Luhan went blank for a moment, "I – I, don't blame Sehun, he was afraid he didn't know what to do, so…"

"It's okay…it's just a matter of time before you'd find out anyway."

"Baekhyun, don't be like this," It was as if Luhan still wanted to say something, but he stopped, taking into consideration that there was another stranger in the car.

I shook my head, "It's okay, don't worry."

"I will think of something," He said, finally, before our conversation ended.

What something?

Is there really any way out of this murky mess?

Is it just me myself who thinks that everything about me is beyond saving?

At night, I lay in bed, looking at the doctor's prescription. I scanned the medicines they gave me, eventually coming across the word "antidepressant".

….But nothing can save me now.

I put it down and walked to the living room.

Everyone was away on schedule. The television was still on from when Sehun was watching it. It was showing all kinds of commercials, I did not bother to switch it off, I wanted to let those sounds relief me from the quietness that was driving me insane.

And it was also only before the cold calm screen that I could look at all those foreign faces with calmness.

I sat down and switched the channels around out of boredom, until I came across the drama that Chanyeol was starring in.

It was a scene with him in it.

He looked like a love-sick fool, running in circles around the actress – "It's just one date, why can't we? You already agreed didn't you?"

The actress who was clearly uninterested, paid no attention to him.

With only eyes for her, Chanyeol walked into a pole.

I could not help but burst out in laughter.

My Chanyeol-ah, you must stay the way you are in the drama, not feeling down when something sad happens, not feeling depressed when you don't succeed. Please stay like this, always happy.

I gazed at him just like an idiot. The top right corner of the screen showed in fancy font – "Far Away, You".

— How distant.

Just as I was about to let my thoughts drift off, the door opened.

I looked at the man that was on my screen just moments ago, it felt a little bizarre.

"…You're back."

"Yeah." He answered simply and walked into the bedroom.

Just as everyone had expected, "Far Away, You" did great in its viewer ratings. Just as the drama was still running, the company had took on another drama project for Chanyeol. And there begins his early mornings and late nights.

Which significantly decreased the amount the conversation we had.

Or rather, it was just that he was losing interest in me, that he had nothing to say to me anymore.

Just then, the episode ended, the teaser for the next trailer showed, with the OST I sang in the background. Hearing my own voice, I switched the channel, almost out of instinct.

Chanyeol walked out of the room then, he sat down on the sofa too. I didn't know what to do except to continue changing the channel.

We were both ends of the sofa each.

"You saw the drama?" He asked.

"Yeah, saw it."

Seeing that he did not carry on the conversation, I spoke, "…Your acting was great."

"Thank you," He showed no facial expression. His sudden foreign appreciation felt strange and sudden, and it confused me.

And then he was staring right at me.

"Your acting is great too."

"What?" I didn't understand.

He was still expressionless, but the coldness I was once used to was clearly in his eyes. They made my heart panic.

"Byun Baekhyun."

"…Why-"

"I'm starting to understand you less and less," He tossed me those words before standing up and walking to the bathroom, leaving me alone sitting on the sofa, repeating his words in my head. I was filled with confusion.

Even though I had built myself a defense like a dam, I stood nothing against the oncoming tsunami.

I did not expect the waves to come at me this sudden.

When Chanyeol who was wordless to me for days slammed me against the wall, I knew this was all no longer escapable.

He was boring into me, and out of nowhere, I was hit with a deafening slap.

"Byun Baekhyun, you play me like a fool. Do you get off of it?"

I looked at him emptily and still.

I knew it…the Chanyeol that was once all smiles to me would return to this.

"I've always wanted to trust you, but look what you've done again."

His eyes were filled with hatred, but also sorrow dread.

Have I let you down again?

"Told me you went to your parents, but came back with bruises from another man."

…You're right. I lied again.

"Told me you returned to the dorm, but went to Wu Yifan's again."

…Sorry. Sorry sorry.

"I've tried to let it pass," His eyes were red from rage, "But tell me what the fuck are these!"

He shoved me towards the table, I was bent over it from the impact. And there on the table, I saw those pictures, scattered all over the table. My brain went blank, and when I regained my thoughts I was scrambling like crazy to gather them.

I can't…I can't - let him see these.

Even if he has – no, not again, they can't appear in front of him again. No fucking way.

Without thinking, I started to rip those photos into pieces. But to him they must've looked like desperate attempts to destroy the evidence. He grabbed the photos and threw them aside, and a punch came to my face. I grabbed onto the table to not let myself fall over.

"You're such a dirty slut."

Before I could push myself up to stand straight, he grabbed me and pinned me down to the table.

Forgotten memories flooded my brain, when he reached for the waist band of my pants I realised what was coming.

I was immediately overcome with bone-chilling fear.

"Chan-Chanyeol…I'm so sorry – I'm so sorry, I did wrong…Don't-"

The panic and fear in me was crushing my nerves. I know, I know I am pathetic and shameful. But no matter who it was, I did not want to experience that kind of violence once more.

"Stop fucking moving."

"Chanyeol…Let me go….."

"Let you go?" His temper translated to laughter, "If those people can shove themselves in you, so can I!"

He pulled down my pants in one violent move.

"Chanyeol….."

"Byun Baekhyun, you belong to me."

"…I did wrong – Chanyeol, please…"

Begging never worked.

Once, I've begged to Jesus, then, I've begged to all the Gods, but my life was still a fucking mess.

The cicadas were chirping outside, it must be summer at its glorious peak.

But also in this summer night, the last bit of warmth was burning out in me. Relentlessly – Chanyeol had me pinned on the table, letting me receive all of his rage and hatred.

My face was pressed against the cold surface of the table. Along with the thrusts, I knocked against the table rhythmically. Before my eyes were the photos from just now. I could only envision myself to be looking like the way I looked in the pictures, lewd and dirty.

The man behind me was rocking hard into me, a forceful hand at my waist, about to break me.

…Chanyeol, maybe I'd be glad to die under you.

I should've just died. I should've just died in that surgery. I'd bring other less trouble and myself less suffering.

Or maybe I never should've been born.

I'm just so sorry.

How about next life.

\- If I could still have a wish.

\- How about next life, God you'll let me be a likeable person.

30 [Park Chanyeol]

Why don't you listen.

\- "Don't lie to me."

Why do you deceive me again and again?

\- "You belong to me."

Why do you do those dirty things with those dirty men?

Byun Baekhyun, what do I do with you?

I hate you terribly.

Just as I'm walking back to you, you take me for granted.

I looked at the man below me, my forceful thrusts were almost stabbing into him. But it was as if he became soulless, no longer withering or struggling like he was initially.

This punishment was not satisfying me at all. I could recall the tender and warmth that we used to have, and that left an empty feeling in my heart.

After getting my release, I pushed him away. Once supporting himself against the table, he now fell to the floor.

Out of instinct, I wanted to reach out to support him up, but my pride stopped me.

In my moments of doubt, he managed to stand up by himself.

Silently, he put on his clothes and walked slowly towards the bathroom.

I leaned against the wall, heaving slightly.

I watched him turn back as he approached the bathroom door.

"…Chanyeol."

"What."

I watched him coldly, waiting for his next words.

He looked at me a little while more, not responding. But it was as if his eyes told me an entire story.

He turned back and entered the bathroom.

Soon, I heard flowing water.

Chanyeol. Chanyeol. Chanyeol.

My brain was filled with images of him calling my name, and his sorrowful eyes.

\- It almost became the last time he would say my name.

The following memories, the following scenes were stirred by my brain into a huge mess. The hand that gripped my phone falling to my side. The people in white bursting into the room, lifting him onto the stretcher.

The bathtub filled with red liquid, diluted with water so deadly bright.

I could hear nothing from the world around me.

I could only hear the life slowly disappear from him and the dark spiralling fear from within me.

How—How did it become like this.

Save him.  
Save him. Quick.  
Save my Baekhyun.

I rode on the ambulance with him to the hospital. I did not dare to touch him; even looking at him took me all the courage I could muster. I was scared to touch his cold hands, scared to see the rise and fall in his chest cease.

The blood-soaked shirt he wore looked absolutely horrifying, and his skin was dead pale. I was brought back to the day of his surgery again. Then, it was God who almost took his life away, but this time it was me, personally pushing him into the hands of the reaper.

I'm the one, who didn't know how to cherish.

I did not dare to think of the possibility that they could not save him, yet it haunted me like it nightmare. As I watched him being rushed into the emergency room, a wave of helplessness flooded over me.

Guilt and anxiety filled the arduous wait.

Even when Luhan Hyung rushed in, I took no notice.

"How's Baekhyun?" He asked me, full of impatience. Behind him were Sehun and Kyungsoo, looking just as worried.

I just shook my head.

I wanted to know too – how he was doing right now.

"Why couldn't you have taken care of him better? He is depressed!" Luhan Hyung was shouting at me.

Depressed? "I…I didn't know."

"How could this happen? He…He was taking his medicine…I thought he'd get better…"

"It was all because of me," I heard my own voice speak, "Because of me…that he…tried to…"

"What did you say?"

"I…I hit him – and I – scolded him and I – "

Before I could finish, Luhan Hyung's fist came for my face, landing right on my cheek.

Sehun and Kyungsoo immediately rushed forward to pull hold Luhan Hyung back.

Truthfully, I felt no pain from the punch.  
I just stood there. Still.

"I just don't fucking get why Baekhyun cares so much for you. Just so you could force him to end his life?"

Force him to end his life…Yeah…I'm a murder.

"Luhan Hyung…Please don't…Chanyeol Hyung must not have expected this too…" Sehun tried to calm Luhan down. Then he turned to face me, "Chanyeol Hyung, did…did you see the pictures?"

"You…You knew of those pictures?"

Luhan, who was now held onto by Kyungsoo turned away from me, not wanting my face in sight.

Sehun spoke, "Hyung…You mistook him."

In the end, they somehow managed to bring him back, even when his life was hanging on a thread.

And it was only two days later, that he began to gain consciousness.

With such an incident, Tae Shin Hyung immediately halted all of our schedules, to prevent the press from questioning us about it while the company was deciding how to settle the situation.

So when Baekhyun woke up, I was right next to him by his bed. I saw his eyes flutter open, and I was mad with joy. For moments I did not know what to do.

I wanted so badly to grab his hands, but I was afraid that any form of contact with him could hurt him.

He squinted his eyes, trying to adjust to the brightness of daylight. On his cheek was still the blue mark from when I threw the punch at him.

And when he saw me, the dazed look in his eyes turned into ones of panic and terror.

"…Baekhyun," I called his name softly.

"…I'm…still alive…" His voice was coarse and his face was full of desolation.

His eyes, his expression made my heart sink. To him, learning that he survived, must be his last wish.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" I didn't know what to say.

He turned his head away, and closed his eyes.

I'm sorry. I know you'll probably never forgive me. Over and over again, you tolerated me, but I hurt you more intensely. When I made a mistake, you'll always smile a little and say its fine, but when you'd slip up even the slightest, I'd punish you to hell.

And you always worry, if I was sleeping, eating well, if I was falling sick or over exerting myself, but you're also afraid that you'd annoy me.

So you always take care of me from a distance.

But then there was me, who only knew from the mouth of another about your depression, your malnutrition, and your terrifying experience.

And just when you were under threat, when you were the most helpless, I hit you, I did those beastly things to you…I knew I was possessive of you because I cared, but I was only using it as an excuse, administering you more and more harm, pushing you over the edge.

Byun Baekhyun started ignoring me.

He refuses to look at me. Regardless of how much I tried to speak to him, take care of him, he was still cold to me.

I did not know what to do.

Finally, this must be my retribution.

I could tell Byun Baekhyun no longer wanted me in his sight. And so I grant his wish, I tried to appear in front of him as little as possible. Except when he slept, I'd hold his hand carefully. And that is when I'd see the bandages around his wrist that brought me fear and sorrow.

Thank you, Heavens for bringing him back from your gates.

The third day after he regained consciousness, I came to visit him as usual.

The door was closed, but just as I was about to open it, I heard voices.

It was Luhan Hyung.

I listened to their conversation through the door.

"As for Tae Shin Hyung, I'll settle with him, don't push yourself too hard."

"I'm fine."

Baekhyun's voice was still sounding weak.

"Your top priority is to rest well. Don't do…silly things like that anymore. You hear me?"  
The room was then silent, before Baekhyun spoke.

"Luhan Hyung."

"Yeah?"

"The bruise on Chanyeol's face – what happened…"

Hearing my name being mentioned, my heart jumped.

You've been cold to me on the outside, but…are you still thinking of me?

"I beat him." Luhan Hyung answered simply.

"Hyung…" There was anxiousness in Baekhyun's voice, "Don't blame him…I'm like this…not because of him."

"Look what he did to you! And you're still defending him?"

"I…I did it because of myself, it's not him, it was none of his fault."

"I'm absolutely done with you." Luhan Hyung was teeming with anger.

I heard Baekhyun laugh a little.

Then he spoke slowly, each word was a pin, piercing into my heart.  
"I know none of you talk about it, but…you all know it…how I feel about Chanyeol – It's like I can't hide it properly. Because of this, I may not be able to stay in the group anymore. Thinking that I can't be by his side in the future…makes me really sad."

"Chanyeol…he's really good…I know that he comes in when I sleep, and that he blames himself, so Hyung…could you talk to him out of it? Tell him not to blame himself, that none of what I am today has anything to do with him."

"I feel like, I don't even deserve to talk to him anymore. I always make him unhappy, I always lie, I always disappoint."

"And now this is affecting the whole group."

"Then – then I truly wanted to die, but I failed and now I can't even face the group members…"

"Stop." Luhan Hyung interrupted him.

Whatever came next, I could not bear to listen.

Why do you bother speaking for me?

It was completely my fault.

My thoughts were interrupted as the door suddenly opened and Luhan Hyung walked out.

Seeing me, he paused for a moment and walked on off.

"Hyung!" I call out for him and ran to catch up to him.

He stopped in his tracks and turned around to glare at me.

"You heard it all?" He asked

I nodded.

"Props to you for making it through."

I ignored his sarcasm, "How is it with Tae Shin Hyung? What's the company's plan?"

Luhan Hyung sighed, "They want Baekhyun to speak to the press, tell them that he had not almost killed himself, but instead that he was having some…health issues. And…that he would be withdrawing from the group."

I could not believe the decision, not even taking into account that they demanded his withdrawal, but the fact that they wanted him to make a public appearance.

"But he's still so weak! How could he handle that kind of mental stress?"

"…Baekhyun has already agreed to it, and it'll be tomorrow." Luhan Hyung said with all helplessness, "and…from what I heard, one publishing company has already received those photos."

"What?"

"Thankfully, the company is on friendly terms with ours and they came to ask before they wanted to publish those photos," Luhan Hyung smoothed through his own hair out of exhaustion, "But the news is already out, of Baekhyun having some…dirty photos with men or some sort."

He's already gone through so much.

Is he going to have to carry the burden of the rumours and gossips on his shoulders too?

I thought about it, and decided to leave, "I'm going to see him."

"Hey," Luhan Hyung grabbed my arm, "he doesn't blame you, but that doesn't mean he wants to see you."

"Don't you know? He's afraid of you."

His words made my heart deflate.

…I know.  
But…

Could you give me one more chance? If I could redeem myself.


	22. 31 32

31 [Park Chanyeol] Virus

When I gently pushed open the door, he was sitting quietly on the hospital bed. He heard the sound of someone entering and turned to look. When he saw that it was me, he turned away to face the window.

His silent rejection was a dragging wound across my heart.

I closed the door behind me and leaned on it.

"Baekhyun…" I called out softly.

"Baekhyun, I've got a cold," I felt like I was speaking to myself, "and I think its viral."

I watched him lower his eyes, his face was full of silent sadness.

"They told me your body is weak, so if I go near, I may infect you."

I leaned my head back against the door, forcing a small smile as I tried to act like we were just having a normal conversation.

Finally, he turned to face me, face still.

In this hospital ward, we were separated by some distance, it felt more than mere space. The distance was filled with times of misunderstanding, and all the ups and downs in between.

They seemed to be all splayed out before me in this space between us.

It wasn't much a distance but it felt a terrain to me, full of obstacles that I couldn't climb over.

You probably don't know, how much I want to hold you in my arms right now, do all that I can to give you the warmth and affection you deserve.

But I felt like a body of virus, only hurting you if I got close.

"Before I recover, I can't be near you."  
I could see his eyes softening.

"Don't forgive me, Baekhyun."  
He looked down again, breaking eye contact with me.

"And don't like me again."

Before I am fit and deserving for your love – your love that was as much as your life, don't fall for me.

"Let me be the one, to win you over."

I saw his thin body freeze, and he pressed his lips together.

"It's my turn to be good to you, to take care of you."  
They weren't words that I've thought about before, but it was all spilling out following the "viral cold" lines.

"Let me be the one to love you."

I smiled softly to myself.  
"Don't say yes too fast. It's best that you reject me first."

He turned away, as if he couldn't bear to listen.

"But in the end, you have to accept me, take me in."

The sky was veiled with darkness outside. But tomorrow, it must be bright again.

"Because, I am in love with you."

Finally, he looked like he could no longer take it and his shoulders started to trembled.

He appeared so small.

I really want to hug him.

How long have you waited, for me to finally say it.

You waited, till your body was fully wounded and scarred, till your heart was cold, till this summer solstice where all the flowers have withered only to never bloom again.

"…..Don't cry…Baekhyun-ah…"

His sudden tears had me not knowing what to do, I could not go on with what I wanted to say. I didn't dare to go up to hug him, but I couldn't bear to watch him cry like this.

Don't let the tears fall. It's not worth it, for a man like me.

He was trying hard to control himself, gently wiping his tears off.

I could not hold myself back, walking up to him, I wanted to hold him.

"Don't…Don't come near."

"…Baekhyun."

"You're ill."

"I—"

"So, don't come close."

Not once did he look me in the face.

I watched him helplessly, he was right before me but I couldn't touch him even if I reached for him.

— Too far.

The next day when I went to see him, there were some staff and Tae Shin Hyung was there too.

It was out of the ordinary to see such a crowd in the usually empty ward.

The coordis were shifting around, arranging their equipment while Tae Shin Hyung was on the phone.

While that person, was sitting silently, reading off a piece of paper in his hand. It must be his official statement that he has to make later at the press conference.

I had called Tae Shin Hyung the previous day. Despite the fact that I was fuming with anger at the cruel decision of the company, I tried hard to beg him, ask him not to let Baekhyun attend that conference. If he had to, let it be at a later date, when he heals.

I was wholly rejected.

"The situation is complicated, the more we drag, the harder it gets. We can't let this affect the group's following plans. You stay out of this, it was Baekhyun's wish too anyway. He felt sorry too, he didn't want to burden the rest of you. That's why he wanted to quickly end this too."

What sorry? When have you ever done anything to sorry us?

It's this world that owes you too much.

I watched him who was silent all this time, heart aching even more.

The coordis started to do his make up. Trying every powder, cream and tool to make him look healthier and brighter.

"Ah, this is such a pain." I heard one of them complain. She was trying hard to cover up a blue mark on his face with a brush. And I could see Baekhyun wince at the pain.

Not giving a care in world, I hit you. Now people are all around you, trying to cover your wounds instead of healing them, so they could push you out in front to the world, so you could smile and laugh and act as if everything was normal.

They even wanted to tear away the bandage around your wrist and replace it with a watch to hide your cuts. It was thanks to the doctor who stopped them that shielded you from the pain.

But in turn, he would have to wear a long sleeved shirt, to avoid attention to his arm and hide from the judging eyes of the world.

He was always silent, not once complaining throughout the whole ordeal.

As if he had lost all hope and trust in the world.

Tae Shin was evidently unhappy, "Don't know what the bunch of you were thinking!" He scolded, after seeing how all that make up was insufficient to fully hide Baekhyun's bruises.

"You guys are idols! And you choose to go for the face? Luhan too! That brat is a trouble maker, how are you going to film your drama with that big bruise on your face!" Tae Shin Hyung directed at me.

I let him rant, all I could see was that person.

"Baekhyun," I called for him in a low voice.

His vision swayed from the paper, but he never looked at me.

"Must you really go."

He did not reply.

"Baekhyun," I called again.

He finally put the paper down, a sigh leaving his lips.

"Don't care about me."

Before I could say anything, Tae Shin Hyung cut in, "Yeah! Mind your own business. Tonight Jong Woo will bring you to dinner with your new director, get yourself prepared."

I frowned, "Why do I have to go to this dinner?"

"You've been holding their production up with all this crap and now you've even gotten yourself a mark on your face, the least you could do is make it up to them!"

I was silent, no longer asking questions about the boring dinner that was to come.

"Have you really decided?" I asked as I watched Baekhyun.

He nodded.

I've forced you so much before, I should respect your decision.

But if I had known this is what it'd come to, even if I had to kidnap you and run away to escape this fucked up world, I'd still do it.

"There has been quite some hold up. The rest of the crew are out of the country to film, we couldn't wait for you, neither could we just ask them to come back. Big celebrities like you can be so troublesome."

The fat man in front of me continued to down more alcohol, finishing the contents in his glass, one shot. Jong Woo who was next to me gave me a nudge, and I immediately poured him a refill.

"Sorry director, we had some issues that came up, anyway with Chanyeol looking like this, he can't be on screen immediately." Jong Woo was trying to wrap it up. Throughout the dinner, he never stopped accidentally brushing his forearm against mine.

"Yeah, sorry director," I said, less than willing. My heart was somewhere else.  
Wonder how Baekhyun is doing right now.

"It's ok, we'll just start tomorrow."

"Thank you director!" Jong Woo held up his cup to toast him, naturally I had to join in.

The glass knocked against each other to make a loud noise, the yellowy liquid within swished about.

For the rest of the night, I continued to drink with the rest of the crew and the director, finally excusing myself to the bathroom where I vomited into the toilet.

After that, my brain felt a lot less cloudy, but it was starting to hurt even more.

I leaned against the bathroom door, and there was only one thought in my mind. Under the influence of alcohol, the world suddenly seemed to be much more crisp and obvious, no strings attached to everything.

I fumbled to take out my phone but every word I typed was clear in my brain.

"Lets break up."

Word by word, I keyed it in.

And I sent it to Ha Yeon.

When I pressed the button, I felt my troubled heart calming down.

The guilt and responsibilities behind those words were thrown wholly behind my head.

So I am a selfish person, only ever thinking about my own happiness.

In my whole mind, no, even my whole heart, was Byun Baekhyun.

I'll be selfish then, I'll just stay by you, only ever look at you and take care of you.  
Only ever loving you.

I leaned there, eyes empty for a while before finally deciding to return. Before I could place my phone back into my pocket, it started to vibrate.

I had predicted it to be Ha Yeon, but it was Tae Shin Hyung.

"Hyung," I picked up.

"Chanyeol, is Baekhyun with you?" Tae Shin asked, urgency in his voice.

I froze, my mind immediately coming to focus, "No, I'm at the dinner. What's happening?"

"Shit, he's not there?" Tae Shin sounded frustrated, and that made me panic.

"What's happening!"

"Baekhyun! He's disappeared!"

e)(o

32 [Byun Baek Hyun] Bucheon

I've escaped.

I want to go somewhere, somewhere with light.

But right now, I have to hide myself, in a dark corner so nobody will notice that I've gone.  
I can't be seen, I can't be found.

e)(o

When I ran out of the waiting room, the sky outside was already dark.

I was sprinting as fast as I could, before anyone could recognise me, I had to get away.

I could not see what was before me, and there were no sign boards to lead me.

So I have to go back into the darkness.

I thought to myself.

I hurriedly flagged down a cab. When the driver asked me where to, I was taken aback.

"Just…drive, anywhere. Please."

The driver gave me a strange look from the mirror before he started to drive.

I watched the streets, lights and people speed past outside the window, it was something about the small space in the car that gave me security.

"Sir, could you drive to Bucheon?"

"Where's that?"

Bucheon was never a big city, naturally he seemed unfamiliar with it.

"It's in Gyeonggi-do."

"Are you kidding with me? That's too far."

"Could you send me to a bus station then?"

"Well that's more reasonable."

He drove me to a rather run-down tour bus station that I've never been to. Most buses go to the city or small towns nearby but there weren't much people at this late hour. Or maybe because the buses were frequent that people didn't have to wait long.

I cautiously made my way into the station, seeing that the worker at the ticketing counter was a young girl, I was worried. So I had to approach a janitor and begged him to help me buy a ticket to Bucheon.

It was only then when I could have my emotions sorted out, carefully plotting the next steps to my escape.

Two hours later, I was on the tour bus. With my head leaned against the window, I watched the city lights zoom past and disappear behind me. It was only then when I realised, that I was truly leaving.

Seoul was slowly getting further away.

Once, I tried to leave this world too, but the Heavens had made me stay.

Thinking back, it was actually you that saved me, Chanyeol.

It was already almost eleven. I knew that glitzy city behind me was still very much alive and awake. But I hope my Chanyeol was resting and asleep.

So it turns out that I can't stay to wait for your cold to heal. Once, I stuck grudgingly to you despite all that fear and anxiety, but today, I am escaping, like a coward.

Your confession was way too bright, like an untouchable light. Along with your entire world, it was too brilliant for me to go near.

There would be too much difficulties.

So I think its time to give up.

Now everything out was dark. Speeding down the highway, I could see soft lights from the villages under, but there was dead silence.

The future seemed to hold a transformative journey.

What directions lead ahead? And what are the twists on this path?

I'm going to hide in my memories. Run in the woods of my dreams as I once have as a child.

The village I was heading for seemed as if it was a land that was at peace, sleeping, it felt as if I'd disrupt it just by stepping foot on it.

In the dark night, I was walking slowly.

I've been here, and I've probably walked this path a thousand times, but those memories felt so distant, as it they were centuries ago.

Thankfully, Bucheon was not big, but when I found the house number 35, it was already 2 in the morning.

The house looked different from the image in my memory. In my faded and yellowing memory, it was Aunt who was holding my hand, bringing me to this door.

"Baekhyun-ah, don't get lost, remember this is where we stay. Number 35."

The life that I have been living, the one under the spotlight, on the stage, seemed to have been completely ripped out from me, I was returning to a time before that. My heart felt calm, but empty.

I sat down against the door. The summer breeze was cooling, but for some reason, I was feeling cold.

Out of exhaustion, I felt myself enter into deep sleep.

e)(o

I seemed to have forgotten many details about summer.

The cicada's cry, the dense grass, and the heat vapour that rose from the earth, it felt as if every droplet held a life that was youthful and pulsating.

They spoke to me, hey, wake up.

\- Summer was at it's peak.

I felt like I was finally getting to know this season again after a long time.

"Hey, wake up."

Was someone calling me?

"Hey, wake up!"

I felt a hand nudge me.

I lifted my head up with my arm over my head, trying to block out the scorching sunlight that was shining down. Against the light, a dark figure of a person was standing over me.

His skin under the radiant light was tan and glowing, the lines and curves of muscle spread to form the image of a tall teenager.

He was dragging a suitcase behind him, when he saw my face, he was thoroughly shocked.

"…Baekhyun Hyung?"

"Jongin…" I tried my best to smile. When I stood my vision went out for a moment, and I immediately grabbed onto the door to balance myself.

"Hyung, why…why are you here?" He asked while looking at me strangely, he was still evidently shocked from my sudden appearance.

"I…" I didn't know how to start.

"Are you in some kind of trouble?"

"Uh…."

"Let's go."

"Huh?"

"Get in the house," He smiled at me, "since you're already here."

He opened the door and led me across the front porch.

"Ma, I'm back." He called out as he walked into the house.

A middle aged woman quickly came out of the rooms to welcome him in.

"Jongin-ah –" Before she could finish her sentence, she saw me next to him.

"Aunt." I quickly bowed and greeted her. After so many years of being apart, me appearing just like this, must not be a welcoming sight.

She froze for a moment, a frown on her face.

"What brings you here?"

"I…I uh…"

Jongin cut in, seeing that I was evidently at a loss for words.

"Baekhyun Hyung is currently having some troubles, you know how things are out there. Just let him stay here for a bit."

"We can't hide a celebrity here, all that mess happens and you decide to come here, what if the neighbours know I have you as my nephew? How embarrassing!"

…So they know it.

Her words made me feel more helpless.

As expected, wherever I went, I only brought trouble to people.

"Ma!" Jongin was frustrated.

"I'm sorry, I – I think I'll just –" Before I could go on about leaving, Jongin spoke.

"I brought him home. I met him in Seoul, it was I who told him to follow me home for a hiding place."

"Jongin–"

"You –" Aunt looked at him with furiousness.

"So, if you don't want him to stay, I'll return with him to Seoul." He said, hand tightening around mine.

With this little threat, I was allowed to stay in the end.

But I knew, that I was never welcome here.

"It's revision week at school so I thought I'd just come back to visit," He spoke to me as he arranged his closet, "Hyung did you sleep outside the whole night?"

"Yeah," I nodded.

"No wonder, you look terribly pale." He walked up to me and placed some clothes in my hand, "Go take a bath, then get some rest. At night I'll bring you around Bucheon. It's been long since you've last been here, many things have changed."

I watched the teenager smile, radiating with energy.

"Thank you." I smiled back.

"You don't need to be so polite with me," He smiled shyly while looking down at the clothes in my hand, one hand of his scratching the back of his head.

"Hyung, you're hurt?" He pulled my hand towards himself, wanting to look at the bandages, but I pulled back immediately.

"It was just an accident, nothing much."

He pressed his lips together, not saying anything.

I didn't know how much he believed me.

M-One member Byun Baekhyun caught in intimate relationships with men, rumoured to have unsightly photos, leading to an attempted suicide.

That's probably what the news has to say about me. Even if I never bothered to check the internet, I was vaguely aware of what the world knew and thought about me.

But then again, in this small village town, most people probably don't even know who on earth Byun Baekhyun was. But to people related to me, the news must have caught on some how.

"…Hyung."

After some moments of silence, he called me like that.

"Huh."

"You've been having hard times right."

"…No."

"All these years, we've been out of touch, unless Hyung was really out of options, you wouldn't choose to come here."

His words made me feel slightly uneasy.

"Sorry…"

"No, Hyung, please don't apologise. I'm still glad that you think of Bucheon," He paused, then continued, "Since it was all too hard, then don't go back. We used to…when we were young, we had so much fun here."

I looked at him, his eyes were filled with sincerity.

"Why are you bringing all these up," I smiled and gave him a pat.

He returned the smile, "Just think of me as your fan."

"Fan…Haha."

"Yeah, you know, like how they say they're always 'looking over you'."

e)(o

I sat on the stone steps, mind wandering off as I gazed at the trees opposite me.

The sunlight that leaked through the gaps of the leaves landed on the wall behind me, forming dots of bright spots. I didn't know why, but they reminded me of the lights that shone down on me once, when I was still performing on stage. While the cicada's cry seemed to turn into the screams and cheers of those under the stage.

When I looked back at the past few days, everything felt like a dream.

My phone has been switched off since the first night when it ran out of battery, and I never watched television or read the news. Over here, apart from Aunt and her family, no one else knew who I was.

How long more?

One week to calm the whole mess of a situation.

One month, to let all the rumours surrounding me disappear.

One year, to let the world forgive me.

One decade, to turn me into a brand new person.

In a world without you, I'll turn into someone you won't recognise, and go on with this life.

But the thing is, I don't know if I can wait till then.

I looked down and saw the remaining blood stains on my deep blue shirt, I reached towards the darkened spot and rubbed the cloth between my fingers.

I smiled bitterly, thinking back to this morning when I was suddenly nauseous, it made me vomit in the toilet. And there it was, red in the basin.

It's been long since I last took notice of the problem with my stomach.

"Baekhyun Hyung!"

Jongin's voice broke my thoughts, I turned to see him walk out of the house, sitting down beside me.

"Want one?" He held out a can of chilled soda to me.

My mind felt cluttered and heavy and I longed for something cold to wake me up from this daze.

Before I could take it from him, he pulled it away.

"Ah I forgot that you can't drink cold things, your stomach can't handle it."

"Oh…"

"But you can't even have a cold drink under such a hot weather, must feel really stuffy, am I right?"

"It's not that bad," I replied, "I don't really find it hot today."

"I read it in the news, today's temperature is a record high," He turned to look at me, slightly worried.

"Hyung are you feeling unwell?"

"No…"

"Then why do you look so pale," He said as he held a free hand up to my forehead.

He was immediately set off, "Oh shit! You're having a fever!" He shot up out of concern and immediately sat back down beside me.

"…I'll be fine." I watched his clumsy moves, and they made me want to laugh.

I was only feeling a little energy-drained, there should not be much of a problem.

"Quick, go in and lie down!" He tried to help me up.

"I'm sitting here because I've been lying down for too long…"

"No, you must rest," He said, all serious. I continued to stay in my sitting position, way too lazy to move, but seeing his hands reach for me as if he wanted to carry me, I stood up immediately.

"Slowly, slowly…" He held me who was slightly out of balance back into the house.

I lay in bed, watching Jongin as he dashed in and out of the room, delivering medicine and water. My heart was filled with a sense of warmth that I have not felt in a long while.

"I'm fine, don't tire yourself."

"All you know to do is to say that."

He walked towards me, sitting at the side of the bed and placed a wet towel on my forehead.

"Did you not rest well these days?" He asked with concern, "How could you have fallen sick."

Watching him silently, I did not reply.

"Jongin-ah, why are you so good to me," I asked him, but my voice was soft as if it was just words to myself.

"Because I like Hyung," He said softly, "When I was young you brought me everywhere to play, now that I've grown up, you're not around anymore, but when I see you on stage…you're so radiant."

"There's no way to not like you."

He sensed my hesitation to speak, and immediately continued, "Don't misunderstand, I don't mean that…already told you haven't I, that I'm your fan."

"Thank you," I lowered my eyes, staring at his hand as he reached out to hold mine.

"But I'm not someone that deserves to be liked."

"Who says? I like you a lot."

I smiled at him.

It is this youth in Bucheon, that has feelings as straight forward as the unbreakable sun beam.

Really, thank you so much, Jongin-ah.

Once I've hoped to be cared, loved for and cherished by someone like this.

But it seems that it can't be if its not that person.

–– Park Chanyeol. It can't be, if its not you.


	23. 33 B Thank God I met you

33 [Byun Baekhyun] Thank God I met you

That day, my fever rose all of a sudden and remained high for the next two days. Jongin brought me to the hospital where we learnt that the cut wounds on my wrist were infected.

I've not removed the wound dressing, and given the hot weather, the infection made perfect sense.

"When was this from?"

"…Maybe, two weeks ago?"

We were sitting in a small clinic and a young doctor was attending to my wounds. Jongin stood beside me, watching.

When the doctor removed the bandage, I felt Jongin's hand on my shoulder tighten.

The ghastly-looking wound scared me, but what I felt more was unease – anyone could tell what caused such a wound.

"Tsk, at such a young age," I heard the doctor mumble.

"Does it hurt?" Jongin bent down to ask me.

I shook my head, too tired to speak. My throat was burning and my head felt heavy and like it was about to burst any moment.

To be truthful, it didn't hurt much, but the gore and ugly cut reminded me of my unpleasant past.

I heard Jongin sigh.

"It's my fault, if I had known earlier, you wouldn't have fallen sick."

I lifted my head to look at him, wanting to tell him otherwise, but just doing so took all the energy I could muster.

"That's nonsense, I'm fine."

He did not reply. Pressing his lips tightly together, he looked worried and sad.

After some time, I was hooked onto an IV drip.

"Don't forget to call your mother, she doesn't know you came out today." I reminded Jongin.

Staying quiet all this while, Jongin just responded with a slight nod.

I closed my eyes and leaned against the bed frame. It took a while before he spoke.

"Hyung, am I stupid?"

I opened my eyes to glance at him, "No?"

"I don't know anything about how you've been."

I wasn't too fond on the topic about the past.

"There's not much to know," I told him as I shut my eyes again.

After some time, I felt him sit down on the bed next to me, and he pulled me into an embrace.  
I was too tired to protest, so I just let him.

"Baekhyun Hyung, remember, I'm your biggest fan."

"…Alright." About to fall asleep, I heard his deep voice, still containing a slight amount of immaturity.

"I promised to guard you."

"…Yeah." Out of exhaustion, I could not reply more.

"And I really do like you."

…

Silly child.

e)(o

The trees covered us from the Sun.

The teenager was guiding me forward, down the forest path.

I let my hands brush against the leaves and branches of the bushes around us.

I could feel the grass, pebbles, and the insects that dove down into their holes in the soil.

—Do I still remember this place?

The road to the top of the hill was slightly difficult to me. Just as I was close to losing all my energy, the view started to broaden.

I could feel myself getting tired, and all it took was a small hill.

"We're here."

I felt the warmth disappear from my hands as he let go. It was only then when I realised that he had been holding my hand the entire way up to the top of the hill.

Was I finally becoming less afraid of touching people?

Or maybe it was because I was certain that the person in front of me could do me no harm.

"Hyung, are you feeling fine?" He turned around to ask, "After all, you've only just recovered."

I was panting a little, so I just waved my hands at him to signal that I was feeling fine.

With a bit of rest, I continued to walk forward.

"This place looks exactly like how I've remembered it to be." With my hand shielding my eyes, I looked around at the scenery from the top of the hill.

I could see an ocean — but that's just what they call it, in reality, the endless water was just a wide stretch of river.

"Right? This may be the only place that has stayed the same in Bucheon."

With his hands on his waist, Jongin looked out into the distance.

"Those crabs that we used to catch, are they still there?"

He turned around to look at me and flashed me a smile while looking at me for a long time. Just as I was about to turn away, he spoke.

"We could go to the beach and see for ourselves."

"Ok." I agreed.

I felt my hand being gripped. I wanted to pull my hand away but he tightened his hold.

"Jongin…"

But he looked perfectly comfortable as if everything was fine.

"It feels like a dream, right now. To be able to stand here with you, it feels like I'm in a dream."

It was breezy atop the hill, with a certain dampness in the air. The t-shirt stuck to my body due to the sweat, accompanied by the breeze, it felt particularly cooling.

I did not know how to reply.

He suddenly realised that I was uncomfortable. Smiling, he suggested, "Ok I'll stop, let's sit for a while."

He pulled me to sit down on a large rock.

"You're going back to school tomorrow?"

"No, the day after that. I'm taking exams. But only for three days. Wait for me Hyung, I'll be back after three days."

"Alright."

He turned to look at me and patted my hair with a grin.

"Hey!" I ducked away.

"You always let me have my way," the stopped giggling, but he was still smiling.

"…Yeah."

I am way past my carefree days but I knew to still be appreciative.

I'll always be grateful towards Jongin.

e)(o

Noon time.

I stared at the spicy dish and the bowl of undercooked rice in front of me and slowly put down my chopsticks.

"Sorry, I- I can't have this…"

I was about to stand up to return to my room when I heard the loud slamming of chopsticks onto the table.

"You expect superstar treatment in this house? I'm letting you live here but you are being so bratty?"

I sat down, not daring to reply her.

"Mom, Baekhyun-hyung has gastric issues, he can't eat this much spice." Jongin was trying to explain.

"So what? I'm supposed to cook him another table of food for himself?" She looked at him, bewildered.

"That's not what I meant, just…Mom could you be more considerate for his condition?"

…I was causing trouble.

"Sorry," I apologised, "I was wrong, I'll eat."

"Hyung, don't force yourself."

"No, I'm not."

"Fine, if you don't want to eat then don't," Aunt glared at me.

Just as I was about to eat, Jongin bolted up.

He grabbed my hand.

"Hyung, we'll go eat outside." He showed no expression and his tone was calm.

"Jongin!" I called him as quiet as I could, "just eat at home!"

This time, Aunt had slammed her chopsticks with greater force.

"Get out then! Go eat your good food! What home? This isn't even your home!"

Jongin ignored her shouts and dragged me out of the house.

I was being pulled away forcefully and turned around to bow to her apologetically.

I was taken to a noodle restaurant, and Jongin got us a bowl of piping hot beef noodles each.

"This is pretty simple, just try to eat what you can," Jongin told me as he handed me a pair of chopsticks.

"It really wasn't because the dishes were simple, I-"

"Of course," He smiled, "Sorry about my mother, sometimes she…"

"No, I'd be mad if I were in her shoes."

I stirred the noodles but felt no appetite come to me.

"When I leave, how are you going to cope?"

"Am I really that helpless to you?"

"No, I'm worried about how my mother will be-"

"Don't worry. She treats me well, she's just harsh with her words," I watched his sunken expression, "Next time, don't go against her."

"I did not…"

"Be a good boy," I knocked his bowl with my chopsticks, "Start eating, you haven't ate much."

"Actually, I really wanted you to come to campus with me, but you probably don't want to go back to Seoul."

I froze.

He noticed, and immediately continued, "I'm just saying," trying to change the mood.

"If only you could shrink so I could carry you around in my pocket."

"That'd be so weird," I eyed him, "like a miniature toy?"

"Well I actually do have one," He took out his keys and waved them in front of my eyes.

I saw he had a key ring that was attached to a tiny figurine. I stared hard, only to realise it was a merchandise key chain of me.

"It came with the first album." He sounded proud.

"First album…" I smiled, "The 'Follow you through to heaven' era?"

"I love that song! That was when you guys…" He spoke with excitement but then he paused as if he had just been reminded of something, "…Eat your noodles. Haha, eat your noodles."

"What about us?" I asked him, trying to keep him happy.

"Nothing."

"So you like that song."

"Not anymore."

"Huh? Why?"

"Anything that makes you unhappy, I dislike." He told me, all serious.

He was stirring his noodles again and I could tell that they were just mindless motions.

I was taken aback for a moment, but I immediately followed it with a smile.

A boy like Jongin, must be very thoughtful and warm.

"Thank you, Jongin-ah." I reached forward to pat his head.

"Don't treat me like a kid," He waved my hand away.

"But you are!"

"I'm only younger by two years!"

"Haha! So cute!" I reached forward to pinch his cheeks.

"Yah! Hyung!"

e)(o

We spent much of the afternoon out, if not for my reminders, he'd probably be dragging me around town.

"We should go before your mom starts to worry."

"Don't worry, I'm pretty much an adult. She'll be fine."

"Well I'm scared she'll blame me for kidnapping you."

"Please."

Summer evenings were uneventful, it felt as if there was a cloud of softness and languidity the air. It made me feel calm and relaxed.

If only every night would feel this way.

We walked slowly back to the house. Shoulder to shoulder, I felt his hand brush against my from time to time.

Just as we entered the main gate, he stopped walking.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Look." He pointed afar. I followed his finger only to see flickering spots of light in the bushes at the corner of the garden.

"Fireflies!" I was surprised, and felt myself move towards the source of light.

"This is beautiful, I can't recall the last time I've seen one. Jongin-ah-"

Before I could finish, I felt his presence right next to me and I was pulled into a tight embrace.

"I remember it all," He said.

I was stiff. My eyes were still on the fireflies, they were small but they exuded such brilliance through their light.

Was it silence around us? It felt loud regardless.

"Jongin…" I did not know what to do, he was only a brother to me.

Should I push away, or put my arms around him?

"I'm so glad, that you still remember the past."

"…"

"Can we stay together, in the future?"

My heart beat was erratic. Not because I was moved, but because I knew I was about to let Jongin down.

 _When I see you on stage…you're so radiant_

Thank you for remembering me when I was glorious.

 _I'm your fan._

You've been by my side all these while.

 _I like you a lot._

You feel that way about me…

It was getting difficult to pretend like I didn't know his feelings.

Just as I was in a dilemma, I heard urgent footsteps. Followed by a forceful tug at my arms. I was torn away from Jongin's embrace.

I heard the sound of a loud slap, then the sharp screams of a woman.

"You shameless dirty slut! Stay away from my son if you like men! He is your brother! You're not even clean, I bet you have those dirty diseases!"

I hid my face behind my palms.

 _Radiance_

 _Adoration_

 _Protection_

Those words felt all so foreign again.

e)(o

Jongin left for school amidst the cold shoulder he was sharing with his mother.

Sometimes I wonder, if I am that stubborn, that maybe it was time to leave, after causing so much trouble in the family.

Truly, I have no other place to go.

"Hey, you," One day, she called me after putting down the phone. I was taken aback. She never spoke to me all these while.

I went over.

"What is it?"

She wrote down an address on a piece of paper she grabbed, "Go help look after the store for Kangsik."

"Oh." I took the piece of paper, not daring to ask who he was and what the store was.

I was glad to be of any help.

"It's easy to find. He asked for Jongin but he's gone to school."

"Ok, so do I go now?"

"Of course. You better hurry."

That's how I came to be sitting here at the counter, watching the door on this listless summer day.

An hour would pass and I could count with one hand the number of people who passed by.

I played with the tools absent-mindedly as I was sneering at myself. I found it laughable that the once famous boy group member was now tending to some mechanic store in the country side.

But this was probably for the best. I longed for myself to turn into someone different.

Cut my past clean and live my life like this quietly.

Trying to find tasks for myself, I started to arrange the items on the shelf, taking time to look and stare at the different shapes the tools came in.

Then, I heard a noise outside the shop. Someone had pushed the door open.

I had not realised then that it was the fate's footsteps coming up behind me.

I was about to react but the person spoke first.

"Is anyone in?"

…His voice. I could never forget it for life.

Even if I had transformed into another Byun Baekhyun. Even if I had severed all ties with my past. Even if I was dead.

He would never disappear.

His name was engraved in my bones. He was in my blood, flowing through all of me as I breathed.

I hid behind the shelf, unable to believe what was happening.

"Is anyone in?" He asked again, "I want to ask for directions."

No one is in. You shouldn't be here.

Go back.

Chanyeol.

You should go back.

After a while, I heard a disgruntled sigh and the door closed soon after.

I hid for a long time, even after he had left, before slowly walking out from behind the shelf. I was afraid he'd show up again.

After leaving Seoul, I thought that I had let my past go behind me, but I did not expect that when I would see him again, that every single wall I built around my heart would crumble down instantly.

I've never had that kind of confidence.

As with any matter regarding him.

That night, I didn't know how I returned back to the house. Every step I took felt like I was walking on cotton. I thought that I was hurting again because I met him again.

When I had finally realised, my stomach was acting up again.

It was because my darned gastric problems were wreaking havoc again.

I could barely open the door. Stumbling over the door frame, I almost fell.

Aunt got a shock, "Why such a fuss getting into the house?"

"Auntie…" I could barely hear my own voice, "Are there any pain…killers in the house?"

"What?" She frowned and stared at me.

"P-Pain killers."

She paused for a moment and began to nag, "Look at you all weak with your precious body, I asked you to go to the store for day and this is what you come back with."

She was complaining as she dug the cabinets.

"Here's a box, but I don't know if it's still any good." She handed me a box, trying to read it's instruction sheet.

I staggered towards her and it took me all the energy I could muster, I clutched my stomach and bent down, gritting my teeth from the pain.

She looked at me and realised that I was at my limits.

"What's up with you! You have so many problems!" She came over to hold me and brought me to the bed.

"…Sorry…" I said between my heaving.

She did not reply.

She sat me down and went to get water, helping me down the medicine.

I was curled up on the bed, my hand firmly pressed down on my stomach.

She never left. She sat down by the bed and let me rest my head on her legs.

She patted my back gently with one hand while wiping my cold sweat off with the other.

Her hands were calloused but they were gentle.

"You're troublesome aren't you." She muttered.

It must've been the medicine taking effect, but after a while, I felt the pain leave me and I sank into deep sleep.

In my groggy state between sleep and full awareness, I saw myself from long ago - when I was young, in the distant summer. It was aunt who held me like this, patting me and fanning me as I went to sleep.

But I knew, I could never return to the past.


	24. 34 C The Clock-chaser

34\. [Park Chanyeol] The Clock-chaser

The person opposite me came at me with a punch to my abdomen.

I bent over in pain.  
"Please, please…tell me."  
Another punch came flying at me. Before I could stand straight, I was pulled up by my collars.  
I was faced with the person's calm expression, in contrast to the anger I would have pictured. He saw my state and broke into a smile.  
Come at me. What could possibly be worse. Just come at me, all of you. Fuck.  
"You're going to keep hitting me?" I lifted my hand to wipe blood from my nose, breathing heavily as I glared at him.  
"You're pretty arrogant, huh?" Wu Yifan shook me by my collars, "This is how you're begging me?"  
"Then what do you want me to do? What is going to satisfy you?"  
If he asked me to kneel, I'd do it without any second thought.  
I wanted to see him so much, so much that I have gone crazy.  
I failed to protect him, failed to cherish him.  
I let him feel afraid, caused him to leave.  
This was retribution, all these days that he's been gone has driven me to the point of insanity.  
He was always right next to me. He'd always be there when I turned around.  
Where has he gone?  
His health was in shambles, and he was unstable mentally…  
Was he still afraid of strangers? What would he do if he'd suffer from pain? I desperately wished that he would not do anything silly…  
All of a sudden, he threw another punch at me, punching me out of my thoughts.  
"What I want you to do?" He laughed coldly, "Go get him back for me."  
With brute force, he pushed me to the ground.  
"Then…tell me…where is he…" I tried to get up, looking straight at him.  
I knew I was deserving of a punishment, but to be punished by Wu Yifan, it made my blood boil.  
But there was nothing I could do. He was far more powerful.  
I am a useless bastard.  
It was Luhan Hyung who approached him for help. He didn't know Wu Yifan, but he was clear that he was the only one who could help find Baekhyun.  
\- Ask Park Chanyeol to come find me.  
"Are you going?" Luhan Hyung asked me.  
"Yes."  
And right now, I was on the floor, all beat up by Wu Yifan. I knew my face was bruised. Perfect. I could take a break from work.  
I could give anything up to find Baekhyun.  
Because, once, he gave up everything for me.  
"I can't be certain," Wu Yifan threw a strip of paper towards me. Written on it was an address, "All of his relatives lived in Seoul, except one who lived down North."  
It seemed to be somewhere he went often. He's brought it up before.  
"You know who he's close to. But right now, they're all useless if they're in Seoul."  
With that, he left.  
I struggled to get up.  
"…Hey," I called out.  
"What?"  
"So you like him huh?"  
It hurt to speak, to move the corners of my mouth that were bruised.  
He turned around and stared straight at me.  
"I asked, if you liked Byun Baekhyun."  
"That's none of your business."  
"Then why don't you go find him," If Byun Baekhyun was avoiding me, why was he pushing me towards him.  
He sneered.  
"You're the only one that fool has a chance of returning with."  
I said nothing, but I felt my heart swell.  
Amongst all those willing to help you, you'd only look at me.  
"Oh right, I forgot to ask," He looked at me that signature sneer, "Those dogs that hurt him will receive my punishment. But the one who orchestrated it, what do you plan on doing?"  
I looked down, not knowing how to reply.  
I didn't feel hatred.  
"Let her go."  
"That's your response?" He turned around, I could sense danger.  
"What do you want me to do?" I looked at him, expressionless, "Like how I treated Baekhyun, seek revenge against her? I just want to find Baekhyun, everything else—"  
I was tired, sweeping hair away from my forehead, "She's not suitable for the acting industry."  
He nodded, "I know," and turned to leave.  
I watched his back, gripping the paper tight in my hands.

\- e)(o

When I went back with my bruises to face Tae Shin Hyung, he was in a frenzy of madness. I told him that I got beat up because I messed with Wu Yifan.  
He only asked me what I had done to receive such wrath.  
I laughed coldly in my heart.  
I did not need his concern for me but the way he only cared about pleasing the rich made me itch with madness.  
I still remember how he grabbed Baekhyun's wounded wrist, asking the doctors if they could unbandage him and remove the dressings.  
He pushed Baekhyun over the ege.  
After Baekhyun disappeared, I had watched his final press conference.  
Numerous microphones in his direction, the seemingly countless journalists shouting questions at him, it was a mess.  
Even though he had practiced countless times the replies to their questions, he panicked in front of them. It was evident through the camera lens.  
He tugged on his sleeves to hide the wounds, unable to answer the invasive questions fired at him.  
They did not care for your feelings, they just wanted to get exclusive news for their own papers.  
I watched him evidently struggling in the video, all colour gone from his face.  
\- Why was the world treating you so harshly?  
There should have been someone looking over him, not letting him suffer. There should have been someone shielding him, taking him away from any hurtful situations.  
It forced him to leave on his own.  
In the end, I managed to successfully get a few days off. The drama producers must be livid. But I did not care. I don't care, I just want my Baekhyun back.  
No, actually, I just want to see his face. Even if just a glimpse.  
I knew I couldn't take public transport due to the state of my appearance so I borrowed my parents' car after begging them.  
Eventually, I had arrived in Bucheon. A quiet village had appeared in front of me.  
So this was what his childhood was like.  
If he had returned, that would make me feel much more at peace.  
I parked my car and started on my quest to seek for the house with the address on the paper. I asked around and finally arrived at the doorstep of one o the houses.  
It looked just like the other houses around it, with a small backyard that grew bunches of flowers and wild plants.  
The door to the main gate was not locked so I pushed it open and walked towards the door of the house.  
Would he be in there?  
Am I about to see him?  
What if he isn't here?  
Then where will I seek him?  
Suppressing the anxiousness in my heart, I knocked.  
"Coming!" I heard the voice of a middle-aged woman.  
Her footsteps neared and the door opened before me.  
The woman stood at the door, eyeing me all over with suspicion.  
"Hello," I bowed, "Are you Baekhyun's aunt?"  
"Yes, why?" She replied impatiently.  
"May I ask if Baekhyun is here with you?" I asked carefully, looking at her with expectant eyes.  
"No."  
I felt as if a whole pail of cold water had rained down on me.  
…He's not here…  
Just as she was about to close the door, I blocked the door with my hands.  
"Wait! Wait a minute!"  
"What!"  
"Uh, can I ask if Baekhyun – if he's contacted you?"  
"No."  
"You have no idea where he might be?"  
…I knew, if he wasn't here then there would be no chance for her to know his whereabouts.  
But that was my only hope and I could not bear to let it disappear before my eyes. I had to ask to make sure.  
"How would I know!" She exclaimed, about to close the door.  
Just then, I heard a voice from behind me.  
"Hey! Madam Byun! Thank you for your help today!"  
I turned to look, there was a man on a motorcycle by the door, he looked like he was just passing by.  
"No problem!"  
"And this your niece?" The man giggled as he looked at me, "Thanks buddy! If not for your help at the store, I'd be worried all day."  
Niece?  
I turned around immediately.  
She looked extremely displeased and said nothing in response.  
"I'm leaving! I'll invite you over some day soon to play card games!" He revved up the engine and sped away. Leaving me and Baekhyun's aunt at the door.  
"He – he came to find you, Baekhyun came to find you, didn't he?" I was near rambling, "He's here isn't he?"  
"I said no! He's not my only niece!" She wanted to close the door, but I wouldn't let her, blocking the door with my arm. I was even more sure due to her panicky tone.  
"Please, just let me see him…please! Let me see him!" I was begging, almost going down on my knees right then and there.  
"I said, he's not here!" She was furious, and pushed me away. She was extremely forceful. The door slammed shut in my face.  
This was nothing, as long as I knew he's here, I could wait, wait here until he appears.  
I promised to look for you, Baekhyun ah.  
I looked back and saw the wooden porch at the door and went over to sit down.  
As I thought about how all these days, he probably sat here too, looking at all the greenery, my heart was bursting with excitement.  
…His forceful aunt must be protective, she must have protected him well.  
Just as I was getting lost in my thoughts, something flew towards me and hit my head before I could react.  
"Ah!"  
I looked down, it was an empty soda can.  
"You disgusting jerk! Get out of here! Who allowed you to stay in my backyard!" His aunt was shouting at me through the open window.  
…Her aim was perfect.  
I stood up immediately, and just as I was about to say something, I heard another voice in the house.  
"Auntie, what's the matter?"  
The voice was soft and sounded groggy.  
\- The voice, that I've been dreaming about night and day.  
I could not control myself, I could not hold back any longer. I dashed towards the window and shouted as loud as I could, "Baekhyun! Baekhyun-ah!"  
His aunt was furious, she grabbed a fly swatter and started to lash out at me.  
"Please! Please! Please stop this!" I hid my face with my forearm. In that instant, she shut the window forcefully in my face.  
With a face full of bruises, courtesy of Wu Yifan, and hair in a mess from the prior conflict, I walked out of the yard.  
But this was nothing to me, I was even more fired up, he was there!  
I knew you would not come easy. After all, it is what I deserve, after the pain I've caused you.


	25. 35 B Palpitations in summer

35 [Byun Baekhyun] Palpitations in summer

"-Baekhyun!"  
I went to sleep in pain, but woke up to realise the sweet dream I've dreamt of.  
The voice, seemed to have taken me back to my dream, in which he stood silently before me. I could not see his expression, but I could hear him loud and clear.  
Baekhyun.  
He called my name.  
In my half-awake state, I heard Auntie calling my name. There was noise by the window.  
What's happening.  
She shouted at me to keep quiet. I was immediately dragged back into reality.  
"Baekhyun-ah!"  
There was really someone calling my name.  
…Chanyeol, is that you?  
Have you really come?  
In the end, you've found me?  
I heard him calling, but I dare not respond.  
I escaped, trying to hide myself away, but yet you've come.  
She closed the windows and turned to look at me. Her eyes were cold.  
"I knew I couldn't hide you."  
"Sorry," I got off the bed.  
I was apologetic, "I caused you trouble."  
"At least you know."  
I bit my lip, not speaking.  
Park Chanyeol. What does he want from me?  
I dare not look towards the window.

It was the next day. At dawn, Auntie gave me some money and tasked me to go to the market place to buy some fruits.  
I held the money, contemplating.  
"Don't worry, he's gone," She glared at me, "Hurry up."  
"Oh."  
As the Sun was setting, the ground was no longer baking in the heat. I stepped past the gates and set on my path towards the market, my shadow was long and thin, following me closely. Something made me feel like the peaceful times were slowly leaving me behind.  
I appeared calm, but my heart was all sorts of nervous. Just the thought of his voice or smile would send me into full blown anxiety. Gripping my heart and refusing to let go.  
I remembered the way he called my name yesterday, followed by not long ago – the way he said those words.  
 _I love you._  
He said.  
I could barely breathe.  
I could lie to other people but I had to be honest with myself.  
\- Chanyeol-ah, I miss you, very, very…very very much.  
After I bought the fruits, I took the same path home.  
As I passed by the pond in the woods, I recalled the last time I was here, with Jongin.  
I was reminded of Jongin suddenly.  
He's supposed to be back soon.  
If I don't remember wrongly, he'd be back tomorrow.  
I let the plastic bag swing slightly, my steps crossing paths with my shadows.  
Upon reaching the front gates, I reached out to push the gates open. I heard footsteps coming from behind me.  
I jumped, but before I could turn around, I was pulled into a hug from behind.  
"…Baekhyun."  
I froze.  
He placed his head between the crook of my neck, muttering my name next to my ear.  
The person I had pushed and squeezed into a corner of my heart had suddenly expanded infinitely. Uncontrollably, irreversibly.  
I felt the bag fall from my hands, the apples fell all around me.  
I was shaking.  
"I miss you so much," He continued, sounding forlorn and wronged.  
I knew it, it was useless. All those barriers you made don't stand a chance against just his voice.  
It took all the willpower in me to control my emotions.  
"Let me go."  
"No."  
"…Let me go, Chanyeol," I tried my best to sound cold.  
He paused for a moment and slowly let me go.  
I had forgotten about the apples and walked towards the door as fast as I could.  
I felt him grab me, and I was instantly pulled back.  
Just as I was about to get impatient, I saw his face.  
Why were there bruises all over?  
Before I realised, I heard myself asking, "What happened to your face."  
My pathetic attempts at nonchalance were instantly exposed.  
He began to smile at me, the undeniable bright smile that lit up across his face.  
"You still care about me."  
I lowered my head, but he continued to explain, "It's special effects make up for the drama I'm filming. You don't have to worry."  
I looked up to examine the bruises. Is that true…?  
"How…have you been?" He asked softly.  
His eyes were filled with concern and sorrow that I had never seen.  
He took my hands into his as he asked.  
"…Fine." I looked away from his eyes, avoiding his gaze.  
His touch felt scalding and I could still feel his gaze on me.  
"You've lost weight." He told me, one hand reaching up to stroke my face.  
Just as I was about to shy away, I heard the door to the house open.  
I saw Auntie standing at the door, I knew she could see us. Chanyeol was holding my hands in one hand and stroking my face with the other.  
I immediately pushed him away.  
"Are you not going to get in." She spoke.  
I dashed into the house as fast as I could.  
"Disgusting," She shoved me, harshly shouting, "You embarrass me!"  
"Sorry!" I bowed.  
How could I be so careless?  
I was waiting for her to scold me, but she was immediately distracted by the knocks on the door.  
"What is going on!" She shouted at Chanyeol after she opened the door. I could see him looking over her shoulder to try to catch a glimpse of me.  
"Don't blame Baekhyun," He spoke with sincerity, "I was the one who came looking for him."  
"Have you said enough."  
"These are the apples Baekhyun bought," He handed the bag over to her, politely, in both hands.  
"I say," Auntie looked at him, impatient, "Go back to wherever you came from. I don't care who you are, you are not welcome here."  
"No no no! Please, welcome me, I'm not a bad person, I…I won't hurt Baekhyn." Park Chanyeol was panicking.  
I couldn't bear to watch him.  
I love him - and I knew I still had a soft spot for him.  
I knew of how prideful he was.  
And he was putting all that away, begging…all just to see me.  
"I don't care, don't appear in front of my eyes ever again."  
She shut the door in his face.  
I could picture the way Chanyeol was standing on the other side of the door.  
Auntie placed the bag on the table and turned to ask me, "Who on Earth is that man?"  
"A – A friend I used to know."  
She let out a sigh of frustration and walked into the kitchen.  
I was relieved but Park Chanyeol's gaze resurfaced in my brain.  
The way he looked at me.  
My heart started to pound.

When Jongin reached home, he dropped his suitcase at the door and threw me a hug.  
I pushed him away hastily.  
"I'm scared Auntie will see us."  
He frowned, "What's wrong with that, I'm hugging a brother." With that, he spread his arms and pulled me into an embrace.  
"Hyung," He called.  
"Huh."  
"I missed you so much."  
His words made me pause, I could hear the same words, spoken by someone else, just yesterday.  
He saw that I was not responding and let me go, "Shouldn't you tell me that you've missed me too?"  
"Forget it, stop acting like a kid," I was avoiding his gaze, backing away from him.  
After Park Chanyeol showed up, I was even more clueless about how I should respond to Jongin's feelings. I once thought that I'd stay here for the rest of my life, so maybe it was only right to accept Jongin's warmth and affection, so I'd be able to cope better with the transitions in my life.  
But now as I reconsider, it was clear that I was selfish, it would only mean that I was making use of someone else's feelings.  
"How were the past few days?" He asked me.  
"…They were good."  
"Was my Mom giving you a hard time?"  
"Of course not. But you should really unpack, it must've been tough to be on the road so much."  
He grinned sheepishly and shook his head.  
"Thinking about being able to see you would invigorate me. I wasn't tired at all."  
I smiled in response, "Alright, alright, go unpack already."  
When he came out of the shower, I was helping tidy the house.  
"Don't bother, let's go to the beach!"  
"…Another day," I was reminded of the lurking presence of Park Chanyeol and that frustrated me. But Jongin was completely unaware.  
"Why not? The weather is perfect today."  
"You should rest, you just got back."  
"No, see you don't get it! I want to take a break after all the tough papers!"  
"I still think-"  
He snatched the broom from my hand.  
"Hey! I still need that!"  
"Go change your clothes! We have to get going before the sun sets."  
I stared at the way Jongin's smile would light up his entire face, he has and always will be the bright teenager to me.  
We were soon walking down the path towards the ocean. Jongin insisted on holding my hand. I felt uncomfortable but he thought it was necessary.  
I was worried and anxious that Chanyeol might appear. I kept looking around, but I did not see his familiar figure.  
I only let my guard down when we reached the ocean. Looking at the vast ocean, I could feel the emotions in my heart clear out with each rhythmic wave that hit the rocks.  
Jongin and I walked along the beach. He chased after the waves like a child, and when he didn't he would tell me about his school. How the exams had been difficult, and how he was able to perform beyond his usual abilities.  
School. Those were much simpler times.  
"So you've got a good feeling about this?" I tilted my head to ask.  
"Not bad I suppose! It'll be fine."  
I found that hard to believe, considering how he had given up his entire revision holidays to take me around Bucheon.  
"Pretty confident huh?"  
"Of course!" He sounded sure of himself.  
I smiled and looked up to face the distant but the smile soon froze on my face.  
"…Baekhyun."  
I saw Chanyeol stand up from the beach, looking at me silently.  
I immediately pulled my hand away from Jongin's.  
I could not help but notice the bruises that were still on his face. There was no way he had gone to film from here.  
So, was he really hurt?  
I could sense Chanyeol was judging Jongin and I.  
Jongin was confused about my actions at first, but then he turned to see Chanyeol, that was when he understood.  
"What's he doing here?" Jongin asked, evidently unhappy.  
"…Let's go home." I was not about to face him and I wanted to leave.  
"Baekhyun!" Park Chanyeol rushed forward, grabbing my arm.  
"Hey!" Jongin hit his hand away, "Don't touch him!"  
Chanyeol gave Jongin a weird look, "And who the hell are you?"  
"I'm Baekhyun's cousin."  
Hearing the word 'cousin', I could sense Chanyeol ease up a little, "I just want to have a few moments with Baekhyun if you don't mind."  
"No way," Jongin rejected.  
"You -" Park Chanyeol frowned, "I just want to speak with him, what does that got to do with you?"  
"He's family so of course it's got to do with me," Jongin was relentless.  
I could sense the tension in the air.  
"Let him be, Jongin, we should go," I tried to loosen the tension, tugging Jongin's sleeve.  
But Chanyeol was far from being done, "You're younger than Baekhyun huh? So you've got to be younger than me too."  
"So what?"  
"Is that how you speak to someone older than you?"  
"I'm already trying to be polite."  
Chanyeol let out an exasperated laugh. He gave a pat Jongin on his face, "Hey, has no one educated you on manners?"  
Jongin tilted his head away and let out a cold laugh.  
"Manners? Let me show you manners."  
Before I knew it, Jongin had thrown a punch right at Chanyeol.  
In an instant, they were wrestling before me.  
I rushed up to try to pull them apart, but it took much more energy than what I could muster to separate them. They were going at it with each other, neither giving in to the other.  
I tried to wedge myself between them to split them apart but in the process I was pushed to the sand.  
Alarmed, they let go of each other and tried to help me up.  
But I managed to stand up on my own.  
"Are you alright?" Both of them asked at the same time.  
"Yes," I looked at both of them, patting the sand off me.  
"Why did you push him!" Chanyeol shouted at Jongin once he learnt that I was fine.  
"Who me? It was you!"  
They were fired up, I could sense that they were about to break into a fight any moment.  
"Enough…"  
"How dare you accuse me!"  
"It was you! How could – "  
"Enough!" I shouted at them.  
They stopped fighting but that was not enough to calm them down. They kept silent but I could tell they were still riled up from their expressions.  
I let them be for a moment before walking up to Jongin.  
"Are you done? Let's go home."  
Jongin burst out laughing and threw a glance at Chanyeol.  
"Baekhyun…" Chanyeol called, with a hint of sorrow in his voice.  
I ignored him, dragging Jongin along as I walked away.  
"Baekhyun!"  
I could hear his voice coming from behind me. But I kept walking forward.  
Don't look back.  
I told myself.  
 _Don't look back._


End file.
